Update & Shower Photos

Wow, I didn't realize that I haven't posted anything since February. Guess it's time. :) My last post was about my friend's baby shower and it being my solace. It almost made me forget about not being able to get pregnant. In my last post, I also touched ever so briefly on the fact that my husband was gone... Well, he was deployed at the time. Luckily, he made it home safe and sound. We instantly made an appointment to go see our fertility specialist. Got in, saw her, she praised me for my weight loss but told me to continue (which has been very difficult getting back into a routine now that my husband is home to mess that routine up) and told us to schedule our appointment for our Nurse Consultation. At the NC the nurse goes over what drugs I will be taking, how to take them and when. This is also when we sign about a million release forms. It literally felt like we were buying a house. So many forms!!!! Once it was all done, I realized something... I was on CD5 and the meds were supposed to start on CD2. Bummer... Looks like we will be waiting until next month to start IUI... Wait... My parents are flying in next month and our vacations are already booked and paid for... Well, now it looks like I'll have to wait until the end of July to start IUI. I've already been waiting 3 and a half years... What's a couple more months? Sucky part is I was really hoping we could do IUI in May and find out we are pregnant so that I could tell my parents in person. That won't be happening now! Oh well. Surprisingly, I'm taking all of this a lot better than I thought I would. It's still tough and I still really want to get this show on the road so I can become a mommy. I can't wait to hold my OWN little one in my arms. But anywho, back to reality.... The nurse went ahead and had all the prescriptions filled so that I would have the medications ready for when I do start the cycle that we are going with. Took about a week to get them in since they were being couriered to me but here is what it all looks like...

2 different types of injections, a pill that I have to take orally, a pill I have to take vaginally and a cream that has to be squirted where the sun don't shine, plus the prenatal vitamins (not pictured) that I have to take. Sounds and looks like fun doesn't it? I hope there are women out there who get pregnant at the drop of the time that can see this... Look at what I'm having to put myself through just to achieve a pregnancy. Please, never complain about your gift of being fertile. It really is a gift.

Anyway, enough with the heavy... Here are a few pics of the baby shower I hosted recently:

This is the candy bar... The boxes were for the people who attended the shower. They grabbed a box and filled it with as much candy as they wanted. :) We raided the stores during Easter when all of the baby blue candies came out. There were about 8 different kinds of candy, chocolate covered marshmallows and chocolate covered strawberries. MMMM mmmmm MMMM!

This was the small balloon chandelier made by my friend, "S".

Here's how the top of the room looked.

Another picture of the candy bar.

The cake. :) "S" made the boobs and the bump and then together we laid the fondant and made the letters for Baby Cameron's name. :)

The cake table. We were worried there wouldn't be enough cake so "S" made some cupcakes to go with it. 

The finger foods.

This is the diaper bike I made. :)

The Onsie Decoration Station. In the basket were all of the onsies, the fabric paint in front of it, safety pins and little cards for the person to fill out so the Momma to be knew who it came from. There were also fabric squares and scissors in case someone wanted to make a design out of it. We also supplied fabric markers.

One of the onsies made by a guest. (front)

(the back)

So Much Happening

Wow, so much has happened since my last post.


Back in June my beautiful nephew was born! I'm so excited about this. I have 5 nieces (and I love every single one of them) and now the first boy in the family!

Our landlord decided he didn't like having Americans living in his house so he told our leasing agency to give us vacate notice. We found a new (and better) place to live so I guess it was a blessing. This is our new house...

I'll post more about it in a different post. : )

My oldest niece came to visit us as we were packing for the move. I felt bad that we put her to work but at the same time we did pay for her passport and for her to fly to England (she's 16 I might add) so at the same time I don't feel that guilty. :) It was nice having a little help with the packing too. Best of all, it was just nice to have someone around. So now we have a guest living with us, and not only did we have to pack for a move AND move... But we also had make her trip worth it and go sight seeing. Sounds like a lot going on right? Yeah, it was. There is a bunch of other craziness going on at this time as well but I'm not going to get into that right now.


Luckily, my niece's trip wasn't a total bust. We did get to take her to a few places in the month that she was here. Here are a few pics from her trip...

It's not a great picture, but still. This is us at Stonehenge.

The Edinburgh Castle at sunset in Edinburgh, Scotland. This happened to be at the Edinburgh Tattoo Festival. First time I heard about it, I thought it would be something more like a bunch of people with tattoos running around. Actually, the tattoo festival is where Military marching and performing bands get together to perform. It was AWESOME! I highly recommend seeing it if you are ever in Scotland during the month of August.


We took my niece to London as well. We were hoping to get to take her to Paris but the move put a damper on that. Oh, I forgot to mention that this was the first time I had ever met my niece. I was so worried about what she would think about me but I can happily report that we got along great! I even cried when she left to go back home. Even though she was born 11 years before I married my husband, I still love her as if I've been in her life since the second she was conceived.

At our last appointment with Dr. S, she told me that I would no longer be allowed to take Clomid. It isn't working and it can do some major damage to your liver if you take it for too long so now we are moving on. She wants to try IUI (since we found out my tubes are both open) and if it doesn't work after 3 rounds then she wants to move on to IVF. Problem is, I have to lose 22+ pounds first and get my BMI below 30. John left to go TDY shortly after my neice left. The day that John left I weighed 248 lbs and my BMI was 33.6. I now go to a nutritionist on a weekly basis (she is my motivator and stays on top of me) and currently weigh 235 lbs and my BMI is now 31.8. My "must meet" goal is to get down to 220 lbs (BMI 29.8) before the 3rd week of April. However, I would like to lose an extra 10 lbs on top of that just so I will have some fluctuation room on the day we go back in for our next appt with Dr. S. So, technically I've lost 13 pounds and still have another 15 to go but ulitmately, I would like to lose another 25 and I've only got 2 months left to do it in. Before, I was only working out 2-3 times per week and occasionally I would sqeeze in a half-ass fourth but this week I started working out everyday. I did miss one day because I got really super busy and it was 10pm before I knew it but I think I'm doing pretty well overall. 13 pounds is a major thing for me because having difficulty losing weight is one of the symptoms of PCOS. I've been the same weight and same jeans size since I was in 8th grade (11 years).


Lately, I've been feeling really down and alone. There are some other things going on in my life complicating things but I really just feel flat out alone here. I don't really feel like going anywhere or doing anything. Most weekends I spend perched on the couch with the dog and a movie. I get invited to go places but I usually turn it down. I just don't want to do anything. I feel a little anxious. (I might add that anxiety and depression are also symptoms of PCOS.) In fact, I did some research and found all of the reported symptoms of PCOS. There are 17... I have been told by a doctor that I have 11 of them. :( They are as follows (I put a "x" next to the ones I have).

x (1) Weight Gain or Inability to Lose Weight. Many women with PCOS gain weight around their abdomen, taking on an apple shape rather than a pear shape. Such weight gain is linked with imbalances of glucose and insulin in the body.

Other women may not necessarily gain weight but find that, no matter how hard they try, they cannot lose any weight. Not every woman with PCOS will have problems with excess weight. In fact, up to half of women with PCOS are lean. Even lean women with PCOS may struggle with high insulin levels or insulin resistance, however.

x (2) Absent or Irregular Periods (Amenorrhea or Oligomenorrhea). Nine or few menstrual cycles per year may be a sign of PCOS. Bleeding may be heavier than normal. These conditions are caused because the ovaries are not producing hormones that keep the menstrual cycle regular. Irregular or absent menses indicate that a woman is probably not ovulating.

x (3) Infertility. The high levels of excess insulin seen with PCOS can stimulate the ovaries to produce large amounts of the male hormone (androgens), which can possibly prevent the ovaries from releasing an egg each month, thus causing infertility. Because women with PCOS don't have regular menstrual cycles, many are unable to become pregnant. With help, however, many PCOS sufferers conceive.

(4) Repeat miscarriages. The cause for this is not known. These miscarriages may be linked to high insulin levels, delayed ovulation, or other problems such as the quality of the egg or how the egg attaches to the uterus.

x (5) Excess Hair Growth (Hirsutism). This symptom causes excess hair, which can be difficult for many women. For most PCOS sufferers, hair in the mustache and beard areas becomes heavier and darker. Masculine-looking hair on the arms and leg is also possible, as well as hair on abdomen, chest or back, together with more growing in the pubic area. High levels of male hormones cause this condition.

x  (6) Thinning Hair. Just as heavier hair growth is possible, so is the type of hair thinning that many men experience. This is caused in women by higher levels of androgens.

x (7) Acne. Pimples and oily skin can also bother women with PCOS. The acne is usually found around the face (especially along the jaw line), chest and back.

x  (8) Ovarian Cysts. The elevation in insulin levels contributes to the formation of cysts in the ovaries in part due to the hormonal imbalances and also because the ovaries are highly sensitive to the influence of insulin. These multiple, immature ovarian cysts, after which the condition was named, are associated with irregular menstruation and trouble conceiving.

Polycystic ovaries are defined as 12 or more follicles in at least one ovary as seen by ultrasound. Follicles are small, fluid-filled sacs containing eggs. In PCOS, the follicles bunch together to form cysts. Note that not every woman with PCOS has polycystic ovaries.

x (9) Fatigue. We hear from many women with PCOS who are tired all the time! Fatigue is a common symptom that may be related to PCOS in that insulin resistance can be one cause of reduced energy levels. Furthermore, many women with PCOS also have low thyroid function (hypothyroidism), a very common endocrine condition, which itself causes fatigue.

x (10) Other Skin Problems. Skin tags - thick lumps of skin sometimes as large as raisins - can form as a result of PCOS. They are usually found in the armpits, at the bra line or neck and can easily be removed by a dermatologist.

(11) Darkening and thickening of the skin can also occur around the neck, groin, underarms or skin folds. This condition, called Acanthosis Nigricans, is a sign of Insulin Resistance, the underlying cause of PCOS. Other women with PCOS note an increase in dandruff.

x (12) Mood Swings. Many women with PCOS may find themselves more anxious or depressed by their appearance or their inability to become pregnant. Mood swings can also be caused by hormone problems. Managing your PCOS symptoms may help to relieve depression.

(13) High cholesterol (Hyperlipidemia) and High Blood Pressure (Hypertension). Increased LDL cholesterol, the "bad" cholesterol, is known as a marker for risk of heart attack and stroke. Women with PCOS must pay special attention to their cholesterol levels and also their blood pressure, as both of these markers of heart disease are more prevalent in this community.

(14) Sleep Apnea. Women with PCOS have a high risk for sleep apnea. This may be due to the increased BMI (Body Mass Index) in about half of women with PCOS. Another possible reason for the increased prevalence of sleep apnea in people with PCOS is the effects of testosterone on blood vessels.

x (15) Pelvic pain

(16) Anxiety

(17) Depression

So, I have also been researching IUI and IVF while John was away. I have gone on a few forums and found that there are a ton of women who have done like 7+ rounds of IUI with no success and then turned around and gotten pregnant on the first try with IVF. The success rate for IVF is much higher than IUI as well. It's making me think that perhaps John and I should just tell Dr. S to skip IUI and go straight for IVF. I'm going to have to convince my husband of this first though. He likes the idea that IUI is a 3rd of the cost of IVF but I don't know that I have the strength after all of this to go through a bunch of unsuccessful rounds of IUI. I'm already discouraged as it is, I don't want a bunch of failures looming overhead as well. It's hard enough that EVERYONE around me is getting pregnant. No joke, we currently have 7 pregnant women at the place I work at right now. Sad part is we aren't even a very big place. It's very upsetting for me. I know it shouldn't be because there is nothing I can do about it right now but I can't help but feel down.


I bawled my eyes out on my anniversary back in December. 2 reasons: 1- John wasn't there for our 5 year wedding anniversary (naturally upsetting) and 2- we hit our 3 year make since we started TTC. :( I know I'm going to be a great mom and I have SO many people telling me how great of a mom I'm going to be. The hard part right now is just believing that I'm ever going to be a mom.


I don't want to end this on a negative note so instead I'll end it by saying: It might feel like I'm never going to be a mom at this moment but by God I'm going to fight like hell to make sure that doesn't become a reality. 13 pounds down, 15 more to go. I can do this!

Clomid Failed

Nothing happened with my beautiful 15mm follicle. After my appointment I tested daily for 5 days looking for an LH serge. It never came. I called my doctor and asked her what I should do and she told me to come back in for another ultrasound to see if it was still there. It wasn't. Once again I have gotten my hopes up just to be let down. Just to make sure she had me come in for blood work last Monday to see if maybe I had ovulated and the tests just didn't pick it up. But once again, the test was negative. I was so hopeful that Clomid was going to be our answer to our prayers. Now I'm having to switch to daily injections that I will have to stab myself with in the stomach. The worst part about that is, not the stabbing myself, I think I can handle that. After all, I do watch as they insert the needles into my arm everytime I have blood drawn or need an IV. Nope, the worst part is the fact that I have to lose 17 pounds before we can start the new medication. Another down fall to this is the fact that my future child will not be conceived naturally. We are having to move onto IUI.

It's Not Fair!!!! Life isn't fair. This simple statement means that I get to continue watching my husband play with all of my friends kids. This means I get to continue beating myself up while other women pee on a stick and say "OOPS! I'm pregnant." This means I get to continue yearning for JUST ONE! while other women say "Oh shit, baby #3 is on the way!" To make matters worse, my little timer on my blog just reminded me that in 4 days, John and I have been trying to start our family for 2 and a half years. I thought it could possibly take a year... now we have doubled that time and then some.

My depression is starting up again. I was perfectly fine until Thursday afternoon. I had accepted my new fate and was going on with my life until I was at lunch with all the ladies of the Sped department at my school. We were talking and having a great time and one of them brought up that our "Sped Head" as well call her is adopted. She started telling us her story and then one of them asked why her adopted mother never had children of her own. "Because she couldn't." The hardest part about that was not having the ability to relate to her mother but because there were only 2 people at that table that knew what I'm going through and they both looked over at me at the same time she said it. I have no idea how I was able to keep the tears from flooding out. They did well up in my eyes and luckily I was sitting at the end of the table so I was able to look away from everyone and compose myself.

Anyway, I need to change the subject slightly... The following was posted on facebook by a fellow cyster:

Infertility is...

Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
(I had to experience this last night... here's proof...)

Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.
(I politely asked the nurse this very question on Monday)

Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".
(I'm terrified about flying home because of this)

Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
(All the time)

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
(I live on a small base.... everyone is pregnant or already has kids... except for the 2 others on base that can't just like me)

Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".
(I think I have heard this about a million times. Yeah, I don't have kids but I freaking want them more than anyone else on this planet!!!!)

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
(Every single night)

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
(Every day.... Don't they look like they are ready to be grandparents?)

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?
(All the time.... and for the record, I think adoption can be even more difficult that not being able to have kids. At least when you can't have kids, you know you can't have kids whereas with adoption you can think you're getting a kid and then have it taken away in a split second.)

Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.
(I'm not going to lie, I get very uncomfortable around babies now. I never use to be like that. Now, as soon as I see a stroller being pushed into a room, it makes me want to run out screaming and crying.)

The writing in blue is from me and how I experience those quotes. The person who wrote this is wanting more quotes so please feel free to comment on this blog and I will be more than happy to pass them along. That's all I have for today. I probably won't be posting again for a little over a month so please be patient.