My parents flew in back in June. I LOVED having them here and I miss them so much. We weren't able to do a cycle of IUI before they flew in so we waited until they left.
Here are some pics from their visit:
After they left, IUI Round 1 went well. The daily injections weren't horrible. J helped give them to me at first which I was a little nervous about. I made sure I didn't piss him off any while we were doing them just to make sure he didn't give me any payback. LOL! Just kidding. He wouldn't really do that. I didn't have my usual doctor for this round of IUI. I wasn't at all happy about it either because this "new" doctor was the typical British doctor with absolutely no bedside manner. He was very stiff, not at all friendly and acted as if I was supposed to know what was happening at all times. Earth to Doctor Dick! This is my FIRST round of IUI EVER! I don't know what I'm supposed to be doing which is why I have you, the doctor, to tell me what I need to be doing. I hated going to all of my sonogram appointments just because this guy was a jerk. But aside from the rudeness of Doctor Dick, we had one large follicle develop. I started out on 50IU, nothing happened, it was increased to 75IU, nothing happened and then increased again to 100IU which is when this big, beautiful follicle popped up. As soon as it showed up, I was booked for the IUI procedure and told to take a different injection at midnight before the procedure. The day of the procedure was great. John got the day off of work, we went in at 8am for his part and then came back at 11:30am for the actual procedure. Doctor Dick actually wasn't a dick this time. It was great! The procedure itself was relatively painless.... A little awkward but still painless. After lying around for about 20 minutes after the procedure I was given the go ahead to get dressed and leave and told to take a pregnancy test 2 weeks later and report back.
As the 2 weeks crept by, I started feeling more and more pregnant. My boobs hurt like crazy. One night J accidentally bumped into one with his elbow and it made me start crying. I felt like I could smell everything and I even got a little nauseous in the mornings. Day 13 Post IUI arrived and John and I had a fabulous day at the movies just hanging out. Driving home, we were holding hands and talking about baby names and discussing having my mom fly over in the summer to help us get ready for the baby and I was so excited at the thought of having my mom here for the birth of her first grandchild. Once we got home, I needed to pee really bad so I ran upstairs, tinkled, wiped and broke down in tears. IUI Round 1 had failed. I cried for hours. The next day, I only got out of bed to use the restroom and to eat lunch. Around 4pm, J came upstairs and told me it was time to get up and shower. I didn't want to move. Even though I had never been pregnant, it still felt like I had been! I can only imagine that this must be how a woman feels after a miscarriage. I was mourning but in the end, life must go on so I pulled myself together, got out of bed and showered. I knew going in for the procedure that there was a slim chance of it working but the way my body was acting, it was screaming "pregnant!"
The next day I called my doctors office, told them I wanted to proceed with round 2. They booked my appointment for the following day and I went in. This time I had my real doctor. I was barely holding it together from thinking about how the last round had failed when she said something that cut into me like a dagger. "You still have follicles developing in your ovaries from the last cycle, so unfortunately, we have to abandon this cycle." And just like that IUI Round 2 was over before it even began. She told me to call when I got my next cycle and we could start again. I ran out of the clinic as fast as I could, praying no one would see the tears welling up in my eyes. Once I reached my car I lost it all over again.
Many things happened that month:
~We found out that a very dear friend of mine is expecting. My husband had found out before me but didn't say anything because he was afraid I would have a melt down. I was handling it well.... that is until he brought up our failed IUI. I really hate crying in front of him. :(
~I got in a fender-bender and got whiplash from it. This is the damage that was done to the car:
~We attended the Air Force Ball for the first time ever and unfortunately, I didn't really enjoy it but that's a different story for another day. Here's a pic from the ball:
~Something else happened that month but I'm having a brain fart at the moment and can't remember.... I just know I'm forgetting something though.
Anywho, about 36 days later, my cycle finally came. We booked our appointment. This time I had a different doctor. A female. She was nice, young, and gave me the feeling she wasn't real sure she knew what she was doing but we went with it. I started my 100IU injections (I did them all myself this time) and then at the very next appointment there was a giant 22mm follicle. It was by far the largest one I have ever had. Problem is, it was only CD6 and the lining of my womb wasn't quite thick enough. So this time, instead of taking the injection at midnight like I did last time to induce ovulation, they wanted me to do ovulation tracking at home and wait for my body to ovulate naturally that way the lining had a little more time to thicken up. I was told I would more than likely ovulate within the next few days. Luckily, I still had some test sticks at home left over from our battle with Clomid. So, I began testing at night and in the morning as told. The first night, something went wrong with the test so I didn't have an answer but thought, whatever I'll just make sure the one in the morning works...
CD7- AM
Next day, we went in at 8am for J's portion, came back at 1pm for my part armed with the new fertility bracelet my mom sent me:
We walk into the "theatre" as they call it, J geared up in his blue scrubs and me styling in my beautiful hospital gown only to find that it was ANOTHER doctor doing the procedure. I would have been pissed but she was very nice and answered all of our questions and concerns. However, this time the procedure was a little painful. Not unbearable, but it felt like extremely BAD BAD BAD cramps. We went on with life and this time I didn't have any of the feelings of being pregnant like I had with the last round except the closer we got to Post IUI Day 14, the more nauseous I was getting at night. However, not one tiny ounce of me believed I was pregnant. Sadly, I was right. Post IUI Day 14 arrived and with it so did my period. IUI Round 3 failed. (Even though we didn't have a procedure with Round 2, the doctors are still considering it a round. Don't ask me why. Personally, I think its stupid.) I wasn't as upset this time. I guess because I expected it. I cried some that day but not nearly as hard as I had after IUI Round 1.
I think the worst part about all of this is that I don't really feel like I have anyone to talk to about this. I don't want to be a burden and talk to the few friends I have left about it because then I just worry that they are going to get tired of hearing me talk about it too. I've lost several friends because of this. They feel that I'm overly negative and its all I ever talk about. I guess I'm just not good company to keep. I guess as long as I have J and my family, who really needs friends, right? :( Sorry, I'm probably just saying that because I feel lonely a lot of the time. J works like crazy and all I do is go to work, come home and work on homework. My social life is gone and with the amount of homework I have, there is no way of fixing that right now.
But anyway, back to everything else....
Later that day, J and I did a lot of talking and we decided that we are DONE with IUI. I personally never wanted to do IUI in the first place because I saw how low the success rates were. But my doctor had talked J into it and so I went along with it. I wish now that I would have held my ground and not given in. Now it is too late in the year to have a summer baby which means once we move on to IVF, if it works, my mom will not be present for the birth of our child. It hurts a lot. I wanted so badly to be able to not only have my mom come over next summer, but to announce to my entire family at Christmas that I was pregnant.
Sadly, IVF is on hold right now too. My doctor wants to have a meeting with J and I before we begin. Because she wanted this meeting, it means we couldn't start IVF this cycle. And since we are going home for Christmas and the IVF process takes over a month here, we won't be able to do IVF next cycle either. All of this combined means I'm turning another year older with an empty womb and a hole in my heart. It also means I won't be getting the only thing I want for Christmas.
But with all of that aside, J and I are keeping our options open. We have IVF on the plate but there is still the option of adoption. (I'm a poet and didn't know it.) Yesterday, J and I drove 3 hours south to another base for an adoption seminar with the co-founder of Adopt Abroad. We learned a lot of really good information and confirmed that we absolutely cannot afford to adopt internationally. International adoptions cost between $22-$80 THOUSAND. So armed with all of this new information, J and I have decided that we are going to continue with the 3 rounds of IVF allotted to us. If it doesn't work, we will adopt when we get back to the states via the Foster to Adopt program in whatever state we move to. If IVF does work, we will adopt a sibling or siblings for our child(ren) when we get back to the states.So basically, we are adopting either way. I'm not giving up now, but once we are done with IVF, I'm not going to put my body and mind through any more of it. It has just been way too much.
But no matter what, I am determined to be a mommy to someone by 2016. Whether that be a child that is related to me by blood, or a child who just needs a good home and lots of love, I'm leaving it up to God. I'm sure there will be many more tears but for right now, I just want to live in the moment and love my husband and family with every ounce of me.
