Clomid Failed

Nothing happened with my beautiful 15mm follicle. After my appointment I tested daily for 5 days looking for an LH serge. It never came. I called my doctor and asked her what I should do and she told me to come back in for another ultrasound to see if it was still there. It wasn't. Once again I have gotten my hopes up just to be let down. Just to make sure she had me come in for blood work last Monday to see if maybe I had ovulated and the tests just didn't pick it up. But once again, the test was negative. I was so hopeful that Clomid was going to be our answer to our prayers. Now I'm having to switch to daily injections that I will have to stab myself with in the stomach. The worst part about that is, not the stabbing myself, I think I can handle that. After all, I do watch as they insert the needles into my arm everytime I have blood drawn or need an IV. Nope, the worst part is the fact that I have to lose 17 pounds before we can start the new medication. Another down fall to this is the fact that my future child will not be conceived naturally. We are having to move onto IUI.

It's Not Fair!!!! Life isn't fair. This simple statement means that I get to continue watching my husband play with all of my friends kids. This means I get to continue beating myself up while other women pee on a stick and say "OOPS! I'm pregnant." This means I get to continue yearning for JUST ONE! while other women say "Oh shit, baby #3 is on the way!" To make matters worse, my little timer on my blog just reminded me that in 4 days, John and I have been trying to start our family for 2 and a half years. I thought it could possibly take a year... now we have doubled that time and then some.

My depression is starting up again. I was perfectly fine until Thursday afternoon. I had accepted my new fate and was going on with my life until I was at lunch with all the ladies of the Sped department at my school. We were talking and having a great time and one of them brought up that our "Sped Head" as well call her is adopted. She started telling us her story and then one of them asked why her adopted mother never had children of her own. "Because she couldn't." The hardest part about that was not having the ability to relate to her mother but because there were only 2 people at that table that knew what I'm going through and they both looked over at me at the same time she said it. I have no idea how I was able to keep the tears from flooding out. They did well up in my eyes and luckily I was sitting at the end of the table so I was able to look away from everyone and compose myself.

Anyway, I need to change the subject slightly... The following was posted on facebook by a fellow cyster:

Infertility is...

Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
(I had to experience this last night... here's proof...)

Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.
(I politely asked the nurse this very question on Monday)

Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".
(I'm terrified about flying home because of this)

Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
(All the time)

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
(I live on a small base.... everyone is pregnant or already has kids... except for the 2 others on base that can't just like me)

Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".
(I think I have heard this about a million times. Yeah, I don't have kids but I freaking want them more than anyone else on this planet!!!!)

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
(Every single night)

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
(Every day.... Don't they look like they are ready to be grandparents?)

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?
(All the time.... and for the record, I think adoption can be even more difficult that not being able to have kids. At least when you can't have kids, you know you can't have kids whereas with adoption you can think you're getting a kid and then have it taken away in a split second.)

Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.
(I'm not going to lie, I get very uncomfortable around babies now. I never use to be like that. Now, as soon as I see a stroller being pushed into a room, it makes me want to run out screaming and crying.)

The writing in blue is from me and how I experience those quotes. The person who wrote this is wanting more quotes so please feel free to comment on this blog and I will be more than happy to pass them along. That's all I have for today. I probably won't be posting again for a little over a month so please be patient.

Am I Weird?

This is a question I have been asking myself all day. I keep stealing glances of my ultrasound picture of my 15mm follicle (that is more than likely already 16mm by now if not bigger). When I get the chance, I stare at this picture for long periods of time and just smile.

This could be the beginning of many more heartbreaks though. I really don't want to get my hopes up, especially since I know the likelihood of it failing. But, where would I be without hope?

Without hope I wouldn't even be looking at this picture. Am I stupid to be staring at it in the first place? Everytime I look at it I feel like I've already won my battle but the war is just beginning. This is my first successful round of Clomid out of 5! What if John's "olympic swimmers" don't make it to the egg? What if they do and I have a miscarriage? These are the types of questions that had me crying this morning.

I want to be pregnant so bad but at the same time I'm terrified of what could happen once I become pregnant. My mom lost her first child with an ectopic pregnancy. My cousin had 2 miscarriages before she got pregnant with her second child. I have been through so much in the past couple of years that I honestly feel like if I were to get pregnant and something go wrong.... I really don't know if I could handle it. God has really tested me in this year alone and it's just the beginning of the 6th month! I went from thinking that everything was going to be perfect and that we were going to be pregnant in no time AND that my husband was at the bottom of the deployment list. Then to believing that there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to get pregnant without IVF (something we really couldn't afford at the time) because both of my fallopian tubes were blocked. I had a major breakdown on my husband's birthday. All I wanted to do was die because at least then he could find a woman that could produce him as many children as he wanted. AND to finding out that my husband was going to deploy in 6 months. Then I was picked back up again when I was told both of my tubes are infact open and we could begin Clomid again immediately AND my husband isn't deploying for another year!

Why can't I stop thinking about the what-if's? And why can't I stop looking at a picture that is bringing me so much joy and it doesn't even have a heartbeat yet? Am I weird?

John's Favorite Words

Today was a great day. It has been absolutely beautiful in England the past 2 days. It actually got above 70 degrees yesterday and today and the sun has been shining with hardly any clouds in the sky.

Anyway, back to what this post is really about. I went in for my appointment today and was fortunate enough that John was able to go with me. The u/s tech confirmed that I only had one follicle in my right ovary but it had grown even more from 11.5 mm to 15 mm! Yay! I asked how big a follicle needs to get before a successful ovulation can happen and he told me 16 mm. He told me I didn't need to come back next week and to go ahead and start testing for ovulation. After I have a spike, I need to make an appointment for a week later. Then John got to hear what he has been waiting to hear all year... "You need to start having regular intercourse." The look on his face said it all.

Here's a look at my follicle...

Now all of John's fun begins and my prayers for a successful pregnancy become even more frequent.


Please God PLEASE let this work!!!