Am I Weird?

This is a question I have been asking myself all day. I keep stealing glances of my ultrasound picture of my 15mm follicle (that is more than likely already 16mm by now if not bigger). When I get the chance, I stare at this picture for long periods of time and just smile.

This could be the beginning of many more heartbreaks though. I really don't want to get my hopes up, especially since I know the likelihood of it failing. But, where would I be without hope?

Without hope I wouldn't even be looking at this picture. Am I stupid to be staring at it in the first place? Everytime I look at it I feel like I've already won my battle but the war is just beginning. This is my first successful round of Clomid out of 5! What if John's "olympic swimmers" don't make it to the egg? What if they do and I have a miscarriage? These are the types of questions that had me crying this morning.

I want to be pregnant so bad but at the same time I'm terrified of what could happen once I become pregnant. My mom lost her first child with an ectopic pregnancy. My cousin had 2 miscarriages before she got pregnant with her second child. I have been through so much in the past couple of years that I honestly feel like if I were to get pregnant and something go wrong.... I really don't know if I could handle it. God has really tested me in this year alone and it's just the beginning of the 6th month! I went from thinking that everything was going to be perfect and that we were going to be pregnant in no time AND that my husband was at the bottom of the deployment list. Then to believing that there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to get pregnant without IVF (something we really couldn't afford at the time) because both of my fallopian tubes were blocked. I had a major breakdown on my husband's birthday. All I wanted to do was die because at least then he could find a woman that could produce him as many children as he wanted. AND to finding out that my husband was going to deploy in 6 months. Then I was picked back up again when I was told both of my tubes are infact open and we could begin Clomid again immediately AND my husband isn't deploying for another year!

Why can't I stop thinking about the what-if's? And why can't I stop looking at a picture that is bringing me so much joy and it doesn't even have a heartbeat yet? Am I weird?