About 2 weeks ago, my friend invited me over to her little get-together she was throwing to announce the sex of her baby..... When she first told me she was pregnant, I had already been expecting it. I just had this feeling that someone close to me was pregnant and all signs were pointing to her. When she told me, I was so excited for her but behind that excitement was a gut-renching pain that made me want to burst into tears immediately. Luckily, I was able to hold those tears in until I made it home. The second I got inside the house and locked the door I collapsed onto the floor sobbing almost as hard as the day I had my breakdown back in March 2011. I don't think it was just the "I can't get pregnant" running through my head that made me cry so hard. I think it was a mixture of things. John was out of the country at the time so we weren't even able to try at that point, combined with the "I can't get pregnant," combined with me having just flown back to an empty house in a foreign country. It was a lot.
I am happy for her and her husband. M looked so excited when they told me. He was sitting in the backseat with a smile from ear to ear. It's a smile that I know John will have on his face when we finally get a positive pregnancy test. I will admit, it was a little hard to be around her at first but the bigger her bump gets, the more excited I become for her. The night of her sex announcement party, I got really excited. I gave my prediction and turns out I was right! It's a boy! Being that we all live overseas she has 2 options for a baby shower... She can have one here or she can fly back home. I asked her if she was flying home for one and she said no and I instantly stepped up to the plate and volunteered to throw her one. I would have never known that night that volunteering to throw the shower for her would be my solace. Looking at invitations and party decorations over the past 24 hours has been so relaxing and comforting. I'm enjoying every minute of it. Only bad part about this is... I've already planned everything and the shower isn't until mid May. :-/ Oh well, I guess this gives me plenty of time to get everything purchased so it can be shipped and arrive on time.
I'm just glad I have something to smile about right now. :-)
TTC
Friday 10 February 2012
Thursday 9 February 2012
Discouraged
So April is fast approaching and I'm feeling extremely discouraged. I feel like I have been working my ass off and the ass just isn't falling off! Tuesday I was slightly excited because I had lost another 3 pounds. Today I get on the scale and I have gained 2 pounds! WTF!!! By the time I got to my appointment with my nutritionist this afternoon I was already in a low mood and then I got on her scale and had only lost 3 ounces from the previous week. :'( I burst into tears. Yeah, I have lost 15 pounds but it's just not enough. The doctor won't even touch me until my BMI is below 30 and according to the scale this afternoon I still have 18 pounds to go before I can get my BMI to 29.8.
I am completely discusted by food right now but I can't not eat because that isn't going to help me out either. I feel a million emotions at once. I feel frustrated, disappointed, pissed off, flat out angry/ outraged, sad and just overall depressed. Coming home from the base, I couldn't stop crying. In fact, I'm still crying as I type this, so please forgive me for any type-o's. I just don't know what else to do. As if I don't struggle with enough in my life between living overseas and being infertile, now I have to lose this weight that my body just doens't want to let go of. It feels like all odds are against me and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Everyone keeps telling me to focus on the weight I've already lost but what is the point in that? It isn't going to magically make the additional 18 pounds go away. I'm trying really hard to stay positive but how can I when it's just one trip-up after another? I feel like I'm constantly taking 2 steps forward and then getting knocked 3 steps back. Maybe some day things will change and I can have a different outlook on everything but right now I just feel like sobbing.
I am completely discusted by food right now but I can't not eat because that isn't going to help me out either. I feel a million emotions at once. I feel frustrated, disappointed, pissed off, flat out angry/ outraged, sad and just overall depressed. Coming home from the base, I couldn't stop crying. In fact, I'm still crying as I type this, so please forgive me for any type-o's. I just don't know what else to do. As if I don't struggle with enough in my life between living overseas and being infertile, now I have to lose this weight that my body just doens't want to let go of. It feels like all odds are against me and there is absolutely nothing I can do about it.
Everyone keeps telling me to focus on the weight I've already lost but what is the point in that? It isn't going to magically make the additional 18 pounds go away. I'm trying really hard to stay positive but how can I when it's just one trip-up after another? I feel like I'm constantly taking 2 steps forward and then getting knocked 3 steps back. Maybe some day things will change and I can have a different outlook on everything but right now I just feel like sobbing.
Sunday 5 February 2012
The New House
So I posted last night that I would do a different post in regards to the new house.
Before, we were in a 4 bedroom house (it sounds like a lot for 2 people but the house was small for 4 bedrooms. In fact, one of the bedrooms was smaller than the traditional sized walk-in closet in the US).
When we moved, we lost a bedroom but we gained upgrades. : ) This house is beautiful inside. It has so much more room. We are paying about $150 more per month for it but it is well worth it in our book.
Here are the pictures:
Before, we were in a 4 bedroom house (it sounds like a lot for 2 people but the house was small for 4 bedrooms. In fact, one of the bedrooms was smaller than the traditional sized walk-in closet in the US).
When we moved, we lost a bedroom but we gained upgrades. : ) This house is beautiful inside. It has so much more room. We are paying about $150 more per month for it but it is well worth it in our book.
Here are the pictures:
This is the front of the house.
Our dining room & back yard. Our house backs up to a public park and the house sits next door to a sheep farm. It's really beautiful.
The entry hall. On the far left side is the front door. The door on the left is the laundry room and on the right is the powder room. There is a door way to the far right that leads into the kitchen.
This is the guest bathroom upstairs.
This is the master bathroom. Very small but it works for us.
I love this kitchen but I would love it slightly more if it had a gas stove instead of electric. : )
Our living room looking from the front of the house to the back.
Dining room.
Office/Guestroom # 1 (One day this will become the nursery.)
Other side of the office/guest room #1
The British don't have closets in their house. Yes, I like to believe them to be insane for not having closets. So, this room functions as our guest room # 2 and our walk-in closet.
Other side.
I haven't taken any pictures of our master bedroom yet. I'm not real sure why... I just haven't.
Anyway, so that's all I have for today. Guess I better go prepare for another week of work, school and working out.
Saturday 4 February 2012
So Much Happening
Wow, so much has happened since my last post.
Back in June my beautiful nephew was born! I'm so excited about this. I have 5 nieces (and I love every single one of them) and now the first boy in the family!
Our landlord decided he didn't like having Americans living in his house so he told our leasing agency to give us vacate notice. We found a new (and better) place to live so I guess it was a blessing. This is our new house...
My oldest niece came to visit us as we were packing for the move. I felt bad that we put her to work but at the same time we did pay for her passport and for her to fly to England (she's 16 I might add) so at the same time I don't feel that guilty. :) It was nice having a little help with the packing too. Best of all, it was just nice to have someone around. So now we have a guest living with us, and not only did we have to pack for a move AND move... But we also had make her trip worth it and go sight seeing. Sounds like a lot going on right? Yeah, it was. There is a bunch of other craziness going on at this time as well but I'm not going to get into that right now.
Luckily, my niece's trip wasn't a total bust. We did get to take her to a few places in the month that she was here. Here are a few pics from her trip...
The Edinburgh Castle at sunset in Edinburgh, Scotland. This happened to be at the Edinburgh Tattoo Festival. First time I heard about it, I thought it would be something more like a bunch of people with tattoos running around. Actually, the tattoo festival is where Military marching and performing bands get together to perform. It was AWESOME! I highly recommend seeing it if you are ever in Scotland during the month of August.
We took my niece to London as well. We were hoping to get to take her to Paris but the move put a damper on that. Oh, I forgot to mention that this was the first time I had ever met my niece. I was so worried about what she would think about me but I can happily report that we got along great! I even cried when she left to go back home. Even though she was born 11 years before I married my husband, I still love her as if I've been in her life since the second she was conceived.
At our last appointment with Dr. S, she told me that I would no longer be allowed to take Clomid. It isn't working and it can do some major damage to your liver if you take it for too long so now we are moving on. She wants to try IUI (since we found out my tubes are both open) and if it doesn't work after 3 rounds then she wants to move on to IVF. Problem is, I have to lose 22+ pounds first and get my BMI below 30. John left to go TDY shortly after my neice left. The day that John left I weighed 248 lbs and my BMI was 33.6. I now go to a nutritionist on a weekly basis (she is my motivator and stays on top of me) and currently weigh 235 lbs and my BMI is now 31.8. My "must meet" goal is to get down to 220 lbs (BMI 29.8) before the 3rd week of April. However, I would like to lose an extra 10 lbs on top of that just so I will have some fluctuation room on the day we go back in for our next appt with Dr. S. So, technically I've lost 13 pounds and still have another 15 to go but ulitmately, I would like to lose another 25 and I've only got 2 months left to do it in. Before, I was only working out 2-3 times per week and occasionally I would sqeeze in a half-ass fourth but this week I started working out everyday. I did miss one day because I got really super busy and it was 10pm before I knew it but I think I'm doing pretty well overall. 13 pounds is a major thing for me because having difficulty losing weight is one of the symptoms of PCOS. I've been the same weight and same jeans size since I was in 8th grade (11 years).
Lately, I've been feeling really down and alone. There are some other things going on in my life complicating things but I really just feel flat out alone here. I don't really feel like going anywhere or doing anything. Most weekends I spend perched on the couch with the dog and a movie. I get invited to go places but I usually turn it down. I just don't want to do anything. I feel a little anxious. (I might add that anxiety and depression are also symptoms of PCOS.) In fact, I did some research and found all of the reported symptoms of PCOS. There are 17... I have been told by a doctor that I have 11 of them. :( They are as follows (I put a "x" next to the ones I have).
x (1) Weight Gain or Inability to Lose Weight. Many women with PCOS gain weight around their abdomen, taking on an apple shape rather than a pear shape. Such weight gain is linked with imbalances of glucose and insulin in the body.
Other women may not necessarily gain weight but find that, no matter how hard they try, they cannot lose any weight. Not every woman with PCOS will have problems with excess weight. In fact, up to half of women with PCOS are lean. Even lean women with PCOS may struggle with high insulin levels or insulin resistance, however.
x (2) Absent or Irregular Periods (Amenorrhea or Oligomenorrhea). Nine or few menstrual cycles per year may be a sign of PCOS. Bleeding may be heavier than normal. These conditions are caused because the ovaries are not producing hormones that keep the menstrual cycle regular. Irregular or absent menses indicate that a woman is probably not ovulating.
x (3) Infertility. The high levels of excess insulin seen with PCOS can stimulate the ovaries to produce large amounts of the male hormone (androgens), which can possibly prevent the ovaries from releasing an egg each month, thus causing infertility. Because women with PCOS don't have regular menstrual cycles, many are unable to become pregnant. With help, however, many PCOS sufferers conceive.
x (6) Thinning Hair. Just as heavier hair growth is possible, so is the type of hair thinning that many men experience. This is caused in women by higher levels of androgens.
x (7) Acne. Pimples and oily skin can also bother women with PCOS. The acne is usually found around the face (especially along the jaw line), chest and back.
x (8) Ovarian Cysts. The elevation in insulin levels contributes to the formation of cysts in the ovaries in part due to the hormonal imbalances and also because the ovaries are highly sensitive to the influence of insulin. These multiple, immature ovarian cysts, after which the condition was named, are associated with irregular menstruation and trouble conceiving.
Polycystic ovaries are defined as 12 or more follicles in at least one ovary as seen by ultrasound. Follicles are small, fluid-filled sacs containing eggs. In PCOS, the follicles bunch together to form cysts. Note that not every woman with PCOS has polycystic ovaries.
x (9) Fatigue. We hear from many women with PCOS who are tired all the time! Fatigue is a common symptom that may be related to PCOS in that insulin resistance can be one cause of reduced energy levels. Furthermore, many women with PCOS also have low thyroid function (hypothyroidism), a very common endocrine condition, which itself causes fatigue.
x (10) Other Skin Problems. Skin tags - thick lumps of skin sometimes as large as raisins - can form as a result of PCOS. They are usually found in the armpits, at the bra line or neck and can easily be removed by a dermatologist.
x (12) Mood Swings. Many women with PCOS may find themselves more anxious or depressed by their appearance or their inability to become pregnant. Mood swings can also be caused by hormone problems. Managing your PCOS symptoms may help to relieve depression.
(13) High cholesterol (Hyperlipidemia) and High Blood Pressure (Hypertension). Increased LDL cholesterol, the "bad" cholesterol, is known as a marker for risk of heart attack and stroke. Women with PCOS must pay special attention to their cholesterol levels and also their blood pressure, as both of these markers of heart disease are more prevalent in this community.
(14) Sleep Apnea. Women with PCOS have a high risk for sleep apnea. This may be due to the increased BMI (Body Mass Index) in about half of women with PCOS. Another possible reason for the increased prevalence of sleep apnea in people with PCOS is the effects of testosterone on blood vessels.
x (15) Pelvic pain
So, I have also been researching IUI and IVF while John was away. I have gone on a few forums and found that there are a ton of women who have done like 7+ rounds of IUI with no success and then turned around and gotten pregnant on the first try with IVF. The success rate for IVF is much higher than IUI as well. It's making me think that perhaps John and I should just tell Dr. S to skip IUI and go straight for IVF. I'm going to have to convince my husband of this first though. He likes the idea that IUI is a 3rd of the cost of IVF but I don't know that I have the strength after all of this to go through a bunch of unsuccessful rounds of IUI. I'm already discouraged as it is, I don't want a bunch of failures looming overhead as well. It's hard enough that EVERYONE around me is getting pregnant. No joke, we currently have 7 pregnant women at the place I work at right now. Sad part is we aren't even a very big place. It's very upsetting for me. I know it shouldn't be because there is nothing I can do about it right now but I can't help but feel down.
I bawled my eyes out on my anniversary back in December. 2 reasons: 1- John wasn't there for our 5 year wedding anniversary (naturally upsetting) and 2- we hit our 3 year make since we started TTC. :( I know I'm going to be a great mom and I have SO many people telling me how great of a mom I'm going to be. The hard part right now is just believing that I'm ever going to be a mom.
I don't want to end this on a negative note so instead I'll end it by saying: It might feel like I'm never going to be a mom at this moment but by God I'm going to fight like hell to make sure that doesn't become a reality. 13 pounds down, 15 more to go. I can do this!
Back in June my beautiful nephew was born! I'm so excited about this. I have 5 nieces (and I love every single one of them) and now the first boy in the family!
Our landlord decided he didn't like having Americans living in his house so he told our leasing agency to give us vacate notice. We found a new (and better) place to live so I guess it was a blessing. This is our new house...
I'll post more about it in a different post. : )
My oldest niece came to visit us as we were packing for the move. I felt bad that we put her to work but at the same time we did pay for her passport and for her to fly to England (she's 16 I might add) so at the same time I don't feel that guilty. :) It was nice having a little help with the packing too. Best of all, it was just nice to have someone around. So now we have a guest living with us, and not only did we have to pack for a move AND move... But we also had make her trip worth it and go sight seeing. Sounds like a lot going on right? Yeah, it was. There is a bunch of other craziness going on at this time as well but I'm not going to get into that right now.
Luckily, my niece's trip wasn't a total bust. We did get to take her to a few places in the month that she was here. Here are a few pics from her trip...
It's not a great picture, but still. This is us at Stonehenge.
We took my niece to London as well. We were hoping to get to take her to Paris but the move put a damper on that. Oh, I forgot to mention that this was the first time I had ever met my niece. I was so worried about what she would think about me but I can happily report that we got along great! I even cried when she left to go back home. Even though she was born 11 years before I married my husband, I still love her as if I've been in her life since the second she was conceived.
At our last appointment with Dr. S, she told me that I would no longer be allowed to take Clomid. It isn't working and it can do some major damage to your liver if you take it for too long so now we are moving on. She wants to try IUI (since we found out my tubes are both open) and if it doesn't work after 3 rounds then she wants to move on to IVF. Problem is, I have to lose 22+ pounds first and get my BMI below 30. John left to go TDY shortly after my neice left. The day that John left I weighed 248 lbs and my BMI was 33.6. I now go to a nutritionist on a weekly basis (she is my motivator and stays on top of me) and currently weigh 235 lbs and my BMI is now 31.8. My "must meet" goal is to get down to 220 lbs (BMI 29.8) before the 3rd week of April. However, I would like to lose an extra 10 lbs on top of that just so I will have some fluctuation room on the day we go back in for our next appt with Dr. S. So, technically I've lost 13 pounds and still have another 15 to go but ulitmately, I would like to lose another 25 and I've only got 2 months left to do it in. Before, I was only working out 2-3 times per week and occasionally I would sqeeze in a half-ass fourth but this week I started working out everyday. I did miss one day because I got really super busy and it was 10pm before I knew it but I think I'm doing pretty well overall. 13 pounds is a major thing for me because having difficulty losing weight is one of the symptoms of PCOS. I've been the same weight and same jeans size since I was in 8th grade (11 years).
Lately, I've been feeling really down and alone. There are some other things going on in my life complicating things but I really just feel flat out alone here. I don't really feel like going anywhere or doing anything. Most weekends I spend perched on the couch with the dog and a movie. I get invited to go places but I usually turn it down. I just don't want to do anything. I feel a little anxious. (I might add that anxiety and depression are also symptoms of PCOS.) In fact, I did some research and found all of the reported symptoms of PCOS. There are 17... I have been told by a doctor that I have 11 of them. :( They are as follows (I put a "x" next to the ones I have).
Other women may not necessarily gain weight but find that, no matter how hard they try, they cannot lose any weight. Not every woman with PCOS will have problems with excess weight. In fact, up to half of women with PCOS are lean. Even lean women with PCOS may struggle with high insulin levels or insulin resistance, however.
(4) Repeat miscarriages. The cause for this is not known. These miscarriages may be linked to high insulin levels, delayed ovulation, or other problems such as the quality of the egg or how the egg attaches to the uterus.
x (5) Excess Hair Growth (Hirsutism). This symptom causes excess hair, which can be difficult for many women. For most PCOS sufferers, hair in the mustache and beard areas becomes heavier and darker. Masculine-looking hair on the arms and leg is also possible, as well as hair on abdomen, chest or back, together with more growing in the pubic area. High levels of male hormones cause this condition.
Polycystic ovaries are defined as 12 or more follicles in at least one ovary as seen by ultrasound. Follicles are small, fluid-filled sacs containing eggs. In PCOS, the follicles bunch together to form cysts. Note that not every woman with PCOS has polycystic ovaries.
(11) Darkening and thickening of the skin can also occur around the neck, groin, underarms or skin folds. This condition, called Acanthosis Nigricans, is a sign of Insulin Resistance, the underlying cause of PCOS. Other women with PCOS note an increase in dandruff.
(13) High cholesterol (Hyperlipidemia) and High Blood Pressure (Hypertension). Increased LDL cholesterol, the "bad" cholesterol, is known as a marker for risk of heart attack and stroke. Women with PCOS must pay special attention to their cholesterol levels and also their blood pressure, as both of these markers of heart disease are more prevalent in this community.
(14) Sleep Apnea. Women with PCOS have a high risk for sleep apnea. This may be due to the increased BMI (Body Mass Index) in about half of women with PCOS. Another possible reason for the increased prevalence of sleep apnea in people with PCOS is the effects of testosterone on blood vessels.
(16) Anxiety
(17) Depression
So, I have also been researching IUI and IVF while John was away. I have gone on a few forums and found that there are a ton of women who have done like 7+ rounds of IUI with no success and then turned around and gotten pregnant on the first try with IVF. The success rate for IVF is much higher than IUI as well. It's making me think that perhaps John and I should just tell Dr. S to skip IUI and go straight for IVF. I'm going to have to convince my husband of this first though. He likes the idea that IUI is a 3rd of the cost of IVF but I don't know that I have the strength after all of this to go through a bunch of unsuccessful rounds of IUI. I'm already discouraged as it is, I don't want a bunch of failures looming overhead as well. It's hard enough that EVERYONE around me is getting pregnant. No joke, we currently have 7 pregnant women at the place I work at right now. Sad part is we aren't even a very big place. It's very upsetting for me. I know it shouldn't be because there is nothing I can do about it right now but I can't help but feel down.
I bawled my eyes out on my anniversary back in December. 2 reasons: 1- John wasn't there for our 5 year wedding anniversary (naturally upsetting) and 2- we hit our 3 year make since we started TTC. :( I know I'm going to be a great mom and I have SO many people telling me how great of a mom I'm going to be. The hard part right now is just believing that I'm ever going to be a mom.
I don't want to end this on a negative note so instead I'll end it by saying: It might feel like I'm never going to be a mom at this moment but by God I'm going to fight like hell to make sure that doesn't become a reality. 13 pounds down, 15 more to go. I can do this!
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