Still In Shock

Monday I went for my HSG xray. I was in a really down mood that morning. I cried the whole way to the appointment. Luckily, I was able to talk John into going with me. I felt bad for asking him to go since he had just gotten off work at 6:30 that morning but he's a champ and went along. (Thanks Babe!)

We get there, I check in at reception and then go to the waiting area. A nurse comes in and takes us through a door to a different waiting area. At this point, John must stay behind so I may go pee in a cup for yet another pregnancy test that is sure to be a negative. I do my business, change into a hospital gown (and one reason why I love this hospital, they always give everyone a robe to put on over the gown that way you aren't walking around with your hiney showing). I go and sit back down next to John trying my best not to hyperventalate. The nurse comes back and then leads me back to the xray room. They sit me down in a chair and the doctor performing the HSG talks me through the procedure.

"It's much like a papsmear but instead I'm going to stick this little nozzle in (freaking out inside) and inject the dye that we should be able to see on the screen. Once the dye comes out through the other end of the tubes there will be some pain so be prepared." This is when I stop him by saying, "We won't get to that part but thanks for the warning." I had a smile on my face to make sure I didn't sound too bitchy. **Side note: I apologize if the quote above was too much information for some of you, but I like to make sure that anyone who hasn't gone through this yet and has to, is fully informed.**

I get on the table and we get to it. As I'm laying there and watching the screen and tearing up because I just know that the dye is going to do nothing but spread out and not go to where I want it to go. All of a sudden I feel a sharp pain and then almost immediately after the first one, another one. I'm constantly having unusual sharp pains throughout my body so I thought nothing of it, however, the jerking motion I unwillingly gave was noticable by everyone in the room. The two nurses both came rushing over, one rubbing my arm and the other wiped a tear from my cheek (the tear wasn't from the pain but rather the crying from lack of hope). All of sudden, the doctor looks over at me, smiles and said, "you felt that, huh?" I said year and then he said "That was the dye coming out of the other end of your tube." Wait! What?!? But it couldn't be. Liar! That's not funny! Take it back! Fighting the knot in my throat, I'm speechless. He then asks, "Did you see it?" Ummm NO! "Want me to back it up?" "Yes!!!" Sure enough, he backed up all of the pictures to the beginning and walked me through them pointing out everything. There was no more "tearing up" at this point. I was bawling like a blubbering baby. "Thank you God! Thank you so much! Thank you Jesus! Thank you! Thank you!!!!" I think all my crying made an impression on the nurses because the one who escorted me back to the changing room was a little teary eyed.

After getting changed, I walked back over to the waiting area where John was fast asleep in a chair. : ( Poor guy. I gently woke him up and while he was grabbing his things and handing me my purse, I was bouncing around like a boxer in the ring. He rubbed his eyes and asked what I was bouncing for. "They're open." "What?" "They're open, both of my tubes are open." "Are you sure?" "Yeah the doctor showed me all the pictures and told me exactly what to look at." A smile curved his lips. We walked out of the hospital, holding hands with two giant smiles on our face.

At this point, we wanted to make absolutely certain before telling anyone so we decided not to say anything about it until after our appointment with Dr. S on Wednesday. We went in, she closed the door behind us and asked "So what did you think about that great news?" OMG It's real!!!!! My tubes are open!!!!! Yay!!!! Here we've been thinking since February 25th that we were going to have to spend $4100+ on IVF. John has been working a lot so we could save up the money for it. Now, we aren't completely out of the clear. There is still a chance that we might end up having to do it anyway. But, for now we have many other options. : )

Luckily, this doctor, unlike my American one, is willing to put me back on Clomid as long as my BMI stays under 35, although she would prefer it to be under 30. Well that's awesome because my BMI is well below 35 and I'm working on getting it under 30.

So here are our next steps:

I have to take a pregnancy test, if negative I take Provera for 5 days to induce my cycle.

On days 2-6 of my cycle I must take Clomid once a day to induce ovulation.

On day 12 of my cycle, I start my ovulation kits to find out when I ovulate. On this day, I also have to go in for a scan to see how many follicles developed and if they are big enough. (If there are too many and they are the right size, we could turn the cycle into IVF due to the high risk of multiple pregnancy. If this occurs then my next round of Clomid will include a certain injectable hormone to prevent so many follicles from developing.) (If they aren't big enough then I will have to have an injectable hormone as well). If all is well, we continue with the cycle and have "timed intercourse" meaning when I have a spike on the ovulation kits saying I'm ovulating, John goes to work. LOL! Sorry, I didn't know how else to phrase this. I'm just as embarrassed writing about it, I'm sure.

7 days after the spike, I go in for blood testing.

On day 35 of my cycle, if I haven't started a new cycle, I take a pregnancy test. If positive, wahoo! we succeeded. If negative, I take Provera again and we start again.

We will do this for 3 cycles. If it doesn't work, then we move onto Clomid with IUI. If that doesn't work after 3 cycles, they will change my medication and do the new one with IUI for 3 cycles. If those fail (God forbidding) then we go back to IVF.

I know it's a long shot and I'm trying really really hard not to get my hopes up. But I am praying that this works before I go back home in June. I would really love to be able to tell my family I'm pregnant while I'm home so I can tell them in person. I know that the risk of miscarriage would still be there but after this long struggle, it would mean so much to me to be able to tell them and see their facial reaction to the news that has been over 2 years in the making.

Now, here it is Sunday night. A full week after I had this shocking news and part of me still can't believe it's real. Am I really going to be starting Clomid again? I just can't believe it. It makes me wonder if it'll take seeing a positive pregnancy test to make me snap out of it and be like "They really are open!"

HSG

I know it is unusual for me to post twice in one week, let alone twice in one day. But I got a little nervous just now when I remembered that my HSG also known as a hysterosalpingogram (a special type of xray) is tomorrow. I have to be there at 10am for ANOTHER pregnancy test... which is stupid seeing as how I just had one a week ago and forced Aunt Flo back into my life. Seriously, how stupid is it that they do these between the 5th and 10th day of your cycle and you still have to have a pregnancy test? Why must I hear those dreaded words once again?! I already know I'm not pregnant!!! I just want people to STOP telling me I'm not pregnant. Worst of all.... I know exactly what this xray is going to show. I already know that both of my falopian tubes are blocked... again, why must this be told to me again? Why must I have to relive these two excruciating sentances over and over again?

I'm glad John isn't here right now to see this meltdown I'm having. I'm literally shaking as I type this. I just want the pain to end. : ( So much for staying positve. :'(

Today is the Day I Change My Life Forever

So today is Sunday... I am now considering this day the beginning of my week due to the fact that my supply of Dr. Pepper ran out yesterday which means my eating habits take a dramatic shift today. I am a Dr. Pepper addict. Cutting me from the delicious beverage is going to be quite difficult but it's something I must do to lose the 22 pounds I must lose before we start IVF in October. Currently my BMI is 32.8. My doctor requires it to be under 30 before she will put me on the countless medications before the egg retrival. Because most people can't believe that I weigh as much as I do, here is my proof...

Most of the people who see me can't believe that this number is really mine. They don't believe it because I'm fortunate enough to be 6'0" tall and have somehow managed to evenly distribute this alarming amount of weight. But, nevertheless, the weight is mine and I now own it. *I also apologize for the tiny hole forming in my sock. Ha!* Today my life style changes. I must start working out on a regular basis. I'm cutting out carbonated beverages completely, which includes the 24 cans of Coke Zero my husband has sitting in the fridge. No more sweets... this is going to be especially hard since I LOVE baking. What do I love more than baking? Eating what I've baked. Hahaha! One healthy way to get my fill of sweets is by eating more fruit. I love fruit but I hate cutting it up and preparing it unless I'm doing it for a purpose other than me. So, one of my very good friends was told by a nutritionist to buy fruit and veggie trays from your local grocery store. All of it is already prewashed and prepared, all you have to do it throw it into little seperate baggies and go. I LOVE this idea! My only problem with this will be only eating small portions. I think I can do it though. I've found myself putting smaller portions on my plate and not going back for more. Apparently, this little method has already begun working because the last time I weighed myself I was 248.8 pounds.

So, in a better, easier way to read, this is my goal:

• Work out or go for a walk everyday if possible. At least, every other day. 
• Eat more fruits and veggies but in correct portions.
• Eat smaller portions of food. If I'm still hungry after 20 minutes, eat a small, healthy snack.
• No more junk food. Think HEALTHY! Chicken, turkey, vegetables, fruits.
• No more carbonated beverages. I must kiss Dr. Pepper goodbye.
• Think more positive. I have to remember that all of this change is for an even greater change. This change is for my future child and I want to make sure that child is born healthy and has a healthy mom to keep up with him/her (maybe even them).

Now, I'm going to be realistic about this new transformation. I won't stick to it completely. I say this not trying to sound like I'm dooming myself but because I have now been living in England for a year. I fly back home to Texas in June.... There WILL be Mexican food digested into my body for the 3 weeks that I'm there. Thats all there is to it. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE Mexican food. My mom ate it the entire time she was pregnant with me and I started slurping salasa off the end of tortilla chips when I was only 4 months old. Mexican food is in my DNA. If there is one food I can pick to define me... it's mexican.

Now back to reality... I want to feel better about myself. I want to look in a mirror and not be discusted by what I see. I want to make love to my husband and not have that small voice in the back of my head wondering if he is actually seeing me instead of envisioning someone else. John has lost over 50 pounds since we got married. His weight was kind of like my security blanket for a while. I liked that he was heavier than me... granted it was only a couple of pounds but still. Now that he has lost the weight, I feel guilty for the way I felt. His father died of a massive heart attack when he was young and he lost that weight so that he could live longer than his father did. He wants to be there to watch his children graduate from high school, to graduate from college. He wants to be there when our daughter gets married and walks her down the aisle. He wants to see his grandchildren after they are born. For a long time after he lost the weight, I thought he did it to make me feel bad about myself. Shame on me! He did to be a better person. Now I want to be a better person. I want to make sure that I'm healthy enough to support our child/ren throughout the pregnancy. I want to make sure that my baby(ies) will be healthy when they are born. I want to make sure that I'm healthy enough to watch them grow up and thrive. I want to be here, to experience everything. I want to feel good and I want to look good and I just want to be a healthier me. I also want to make sure that I'm able to be here for John. I want him to still be attracted to me and I want him to WANT to be here and celebrate our 50th anniversary. (Now please don't get me wrong, I am not saying he doesn't want to be here and that he doesn't find me attactive... I'm just saying that I want to stop having that stupid little voice in my head tell me differently)

Today is the day I change my life forever. I've set my eye on the goal and I'm not stopping until I get there.... and even then I'll probably keep going.

Now there is one thing I will ask of my followers:
Please share with me any inspriational songs you may have or think of to put on my iPod during my work outs. Also, Rome wasn't built in a day so I also ask that you not only keep me in your prayers and ask God to shower me with strength. And last but not least, I'm the type of person who needs inspirational praise. Hearing that I'm doing a good job always adds fuel to my fire. Some people slow down once they have heard those two words.... not me. That just means I'm doing something right and I'm going to keep doing it until the deed is done. : )

Before I go, I've seen some bloggers who have posted before and after pictures of themselves before they changed their lifestyle.... I'm on the fence about doing this... I would hate to scare off all of you. Ha!

Everything Happens for a Reason

I read a blog yesterday about a woman who believes that everything happens for a reason. I'm sorry, but I can't remember which one it was. She was talking about how she couldn't understand why her miscarriage had happened. Later, she found out that her uncle had cancer and died shortly after. She now believes that her miscarriage had happened bc if it hadn't she wouldn't have been able to be there with her uncle and the rest of her family when he passed.

This post really touched me. Shame on me for being so negative! I have done nothing but whine and complain about John not getting to go on his deployment when in actuality, we will still be able to afford the IVF without him going.... and sooner! If John was still deploying in September, he wouldn't be back until March of next year... now, we will be able to try our first round (and I pray, our only round) at IVF in October! This would make the baby(ies) due in the same month as my grandfather. He is the only summer birthday in the family. Everyone, except one of my cousins, were all born in Spring or Fall. So, this brings me to conclude, that I think I may have found my answer for John's deployment getting pushed back to next year...

Maybe God is telling us that October will be our month. Maybe He is telling us that John is supposed to be here so that our IVF will work. Granted, if this does work, John will miss the birth of our child(ren) BUT he will be there for all of their firsts.... the first time they stand up, the first word they use, the first time they try to walk but fall down, the first step... all of it. And, even though John won't be here for the birth... my parents will be and that is one thing I have always wanted: to have my parents at the hospital when I bring a new life into the world.

To bring up worldly news, as everyone should know, my husband is in the USAF. With all of the budget crap going on, we were getting pretty nervous that our pay would be cut... I say "our" because I also work for the government so that means both of our paychecks would have been cut off. The whole time this was going on, I wasn't thinking about "how are we going to pay the rent? what are we going to do about food if they shut down the commissary? etc. etc" Nope! I was thinking "Oh shit, we are going to lose every penny we just saved for the IVF. The US government is going to cause me to lose my shot at getting pregnant in October. My parents won't be here, I'll be alone... and if I'm not alone, that means John will miss his kid's firsts." Yep... that's me. I didn't stop and think for a second about how was I going to feed myself, instead I was more worried about bringing a child into this world.... What does this say about me exactly? Does that make me selfish?

I don't know and I don't really care to be honest because right now, all I'm thinking about is that John's deployment got pushed back for a reason.... And I pray that it's for the reason that I'm thinking. At least I'm starting to build my hope back up. : )

Twins

I don't have a lot of time to make a long updated blog post but I wanted to post this real fast because it's probably one of the cutest things I've ever seen!

In my last post I talked about seeing twins in my dreams. I spoke with my grandmother last night and she told me she had a dream about holding twin infants and said she wasn't positive that they belonged to me but that they looked like me and had John's lips (every seems to identify my husband by his lips).

Today, one of my coworkers forwarded this link to me and I wanted to share it with the rest of the world. I hope it puts a smile on your face like it did mine. This video also seemed to relax me a little and as I giggled while watching it, I thought to myself "One more reason I'm going to pray for twins." : )

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=KL7KDPNX