A friend of mine found this and sent it to me last night. Everything it says is exactly how I feel so I wanted to share it with everyone.
Here it is....
"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.
I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.
I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.
So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother." - Unknown
For all of us out there who have had trouble conceiving ... this is for us, written by one of us. We will be amazing moms.
TTC
Friday 28 January 2011
Thursday 27 January 2011
I Feel Like...
one of those NASCAR drivers. I keep going in circles but it seems like the finish line is no where in sight. The yellow flag is out and now it's time for a pit stop on the infertility track. Don't ask me why I'm using NASCAR as an analogy because I really couldn't tell ya. It just happens to be the first thing that came to mind.
We had our appointment yesterday. I have been impatiently awaiting it all week. I thought 7:30 was never going to get here. But it did, and I was in shock at what we found out. Sitting in the waiting room I couldn't be still. I was bouncing my leg and rocking back and forth. I just had this feeling in the bottom of my stomach that we weren't going to get good news.
My gut is never wrong. The doctor went over the results to my sonogram again, this time a little more in depth. She went over what our next steps are and read off the results to my bloodwork. We talked about the fact that I have had an operation on my phelopean tubes before. When I was 14 I had a cyst wrapped around it that I had to have surgically removed. Because of this surgery, my doctor is afraid that I may have some scar tissue that could possibly be effecting my tubes currently. She didn't see any swelling on the sonogram but wants to go in and do an exploritory surgery to take a good look at them while also checking me for endometriosis. If the tubes need repairing or if she finds endometriosis then she is going to fix both while in there. The panic sets in when we see how much this surgery costs... Let me remind you I live in England where the currency exchange rate is currently $1.60 to every one British pound. The surgery costs over 3,000 pounds! That's over $4500!! What if Tricare doesn't cover it? We went ahead and scheduled my surgery. If Tricare doesn't cover it, we can just cancel the appointment.
To top off this lovely news of yet another surgery on my belt, I asked her for John's sample results. Apparently, her nurse forgot to include them in my file. Yay! This was the main thing I was worried about and instead of getting the results to something I was expecting, I got results to something I didn't even know was going to need to be done.
Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night. I layed awake all night long thinking. I reverted back to the beating myself up stage. Asking God what I did to deserve this. Asking Him why countless girls I have graduated with have gotten pregnant when they didn't even want kids while I'm sitting here prepared to pay thousands of dollars at the drop of a hat for something I've wanted so bad for so long. Why do they get to have a child that they can't take care of and don't want for free when I so desperately want to be a mother and can afford to give a child the life they deserve? I talked to God and prayed and prayed that He give me a small break. Just ease up on me just a little. I'm cracking. I'm giving into the pressure. I'm starting to lose it. Everything I hold dear to my heart is starting to slip away. I'm starting to give up on life all together.
Luckily, He answered my prayers and cut me some slack today. First by giving my a truely amazing friend who came in and gave me a hug just to lift my spirits. Then by giving me the perfect moment to call my insurance and find out that the surgery I need is covered 100%. Thank you Jesus! I breathed a big sigh of relief. Finally, by having my doctor call me and give me the news that John's tests came back normal. His swimmers can definitely do the job of fertilizing my eggs without the help of doctors and drugs.
Now we just have to get my tubes and eggs in working order and we are ready for the final lap!
We had our appointment yesterday. I have been impatiently awaiting it all week. I thought 7:30 was never going to get here. But it did, and I was in shock at what we found out. Sitting in the waiting room I couldn't be still. I was bouncing my leg and rocking back and forth. I just had this feeling in the bottom of my stomach that we weren't going to get good news.
My gut is never wrong. The doctor went over the results to my sonogram again, this time a little more in depth. She went over what our next steps are and read off the results to my bloodwork. We talked about the fact that I have had an operation on my phelopean tubes before. When I was 14 I had a cyst wrapped around it that I had to have surgically removed. Because of this surgery, my doctor is afraid that I may have some scar tissue that could possibly be effecting my tubes currently. She didn't see any swelling on the sonogram but wants to go in and do an exploritory surgery to take a good look at them while also checking me for endometriosis. If the tubes need repairing or if she finds endometriosis then she is going to fix both while in there. The panic sets in when we see how much this surgery costs... Let me remind you I live in England where the currency exchange rate is currently $1.60 to every one British pound. The surgery costs over 3,000 pounds! That's over $4500!! What if Tricare doesn't cover it? We went ahead and scheduled my surgery. If Tricare doesn't cover it, we can just cancel the appointment.
To top off this lovely news of yet another surgery on my belt, I asked her for John's sample results. Apparently, her nurse forgot to include them in my file. Yay! This was the main thing I was worried about and instead of getting the results to something I was expecting, I got results to something I didn't even know was going to need to be done.
Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night. I layed awake all night long thinking. I reverted back to the beating myself up stage. Asking God what I did to deserve this. Asking Him why countless girls I have graduated with have gotten pregnant when they didn't even want kids while I'm sitting here prepared to pay thousands of dollars at the drop of a hat for something I've wanted so bad for so long. Why do they get to have a child that they can't take care of and don't want for free when I so desperately want to be a mother and can afford to give a child the life they deserve? I talked to God and prayed and prayed that He give me a small break. Just ease up on me just a little. I'm cracking. I'm giving into the pressure. I'm starting to lose it. Everything I hold dear to my heart is starting to slip away. I'm starting to give up on life all together.
Luckily, He answered my prayers and cut me some slack today. First by giving my a truely amazing friend who came in and gave me a hug just to lift my spirits. Then by giving me the perfect moment to call my insurance and find out that the surgery I need is covered 100%. Thank you Jesus! I breathed a big sigh of relief. Finally, by having my doctor call me and give me the news that John's tests came back normal. His swimmers can definitely do the job of fertilizing my eggs without the help of doctors and drugs.
Now we just have to get my tubes and eggs in working order and we are ready for the final lap!
Thursday 20 January 2011
And the waiting begins...
Today John went for his test. He complained ALL WEEK about it and once he finally got in there and did it, he admitted it wasn't as bad as he had previously thought. UGH! The things I have to put up with all in the name of Love! Hahaha!
I have my follow up appointment booked for the 26th. It's a late one. Not until after 7pm. That's one thing the British do that Americans don't... they work late hours without charging extra! Wahoo! Either way, I'm just happy that I'm going to be able to get in and see her so soon. The wait has begun but luckily it isn't a major wait.
I'm anxious to get the results. I feel like I've been waiting an eternity already and it's only been 8 hours. UGH! This is going to be a loooong weekend. At least I have something to look forward to though. Keeping my fingers, toes and whatever else I can cross, crossed and praying to God that things look good and we can start trying again soon. REAL SOON!
I have my follow up appointment booked for the 26th. It's a late one. Not until after 7pm. That's one thing the British do that Americans don't... they work late hours without charging extra! Wahoo! Either way, I'm just happy that I'm going to be able to get in and see her so soon. The wait has begun but luckily it isn't a major wait.
I'm anxious to get the results. I feel like I've been waiting an eternity already and it's only been 8 hours. UGH! This is going to be a loooong weekend. At least I have something to look forward to though. Keeping my fingers, toes and whatever else I can cross, crossed and praying to God that things look good and we can start trying again soon. REAL SOON!
Sunday 9 January 2011
Getting off to a Great Start!
Yes, that we are. : ) Our last appointment went well. Dr. Sharma did the ultrasound and took a look at my ovaries and the lining of my cervix to make sure everything was okay. I have now been officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrom). There are many many things that contribute to PCOS, some of which I have and some of which I don't have.
The first indicator is unusual menstrual patterns, which I have. Having a doctor ask me when I think my next period will be is always an embarrasment because I literally have no clue. It could be next week or 2 months from now for all I know. Plus, it's always hard when you want to have a child so bad and you miss a period and then instantly get excited thinking your pregnant just to have pregnancy test after pregnancy test come back negative.
The second indicator is obesity, which again I have. I'm not "obese" by much but nevertheless I'm still obese. They tell if you are obese or not based upon your BMI level. If your BMI level is 30 or above then that classifies you as obese. My BMI level is 31. Not cool!
The third indicator is family history of diabetes. I have this in my family tree. Directly linked to me infact because both my father and my grandfather have diabetes. Basically this just means that in my system somewhere my body is most likely not be dealing well with insulin. Doesn't mean I'm diabetic but it does mean I need to watch out for it because I'm definitely at risk.
The fourth indicator is androgenic (masculinizing) hormone levels. Luckily, my hormone levels are normal. Which means "I don't have to shave my face". This is a joke in which I will get to in a minute.
The fifth and sixth indicators are found by ultrasound in which they are looking for small ovarian follicles... I found this next part on wikipedia because it describes it better than I could... In normal menstrual cycle, one egg is released from a dominant follicle - essentially a cyst that bursts to release the egg. After ovulation the follicle remnant is transformed into a progesterone producing corpus luteum, which shrinks and disappears after approximately 12–14 days. In PCOS, there is a so called "follicular arrest", i.e., several follicles develop to a size of 5–7 mm, but not further. No single follicle reach the preovulatory size (16 mm or more). According to the Rotterdam criteria, 12 or more small follicles should be seen in an ovary on ultrasound examination. The follicles may be oriented in the periphery, giving the appearance of a 'string of pearls'. The numerous follicles contribute to the increased size of the ovaries, that is, 1.5 to 3 times larger than normal.
Basically what this is saying is that I have a lot more follicles than women with normal menstural cycles and they are smaller than they should be. It's also saying that my ovaries are slightly enlarged.... Both the 5th and 6th indicators I have. Below is a picture of an ultrasound (not mine but mine looked exactly like this but my follicles were a little smaller) of what the small follicles look like in which PCOS is instantly determined....
The last two indicators are thickening... thickening of the cervix and thickening of the walls around the ovaries. Both of which I do not have.
Now that you have had your biology lesson for the day, let me get to the fun stuff....
Above, I told you what I have and what I don't have. All of this was explained to me on Friday at my doctors appointment. When the doctor came out and told me what my diagnosis is, I laughed. I then explained to her that my last doctor had told me that PCOS wasn't something I could have simply because I don't shave my face. Get the joke now? My new doctor believes the old one should be kicked out of the medical field.......... I agree.
So now that I have an official diagnosis, we know where to go from here. There are a couple of medications I'm going to have to take... Clomid being the first which will induce ovulation and the second being Metformin which is given to people (such as my father) who have diabetes. In a few studies it has been shown that women with PCOS who were given Metformin with Clomid were able to concieve slightly faster. I am all about fast. I've been waiting 4 years to have a child, only 2 of which we have been actually trying but still. I'm ready to be a mother. It's all I have every wanted. Some people want fame and fortune but I would be perfectly happy being poor as long as I have a child that I can wrap my arms around and kiss goodnight. There is also a chance that I might have to have daily injections which will help my little follicles grow.
John still has to have his "wash & swim" swimmers test done which he will be going on the 20th for. Dr. Sharma said she will have his results that day. I have to schedule my follow up appointment for sometime after his appointment (I'm hoping for the day after) that way we can get this show on the road. I'm praying for good results from this. Once again, his appointment will be a make or break appointment. I think it'll be good enough regardless to still be able to try IUI or IVF but just incase, I'm praying anyway.
God has blessed us so far this new year... I hope He has big plans for us. After all, Dr. Sharma is "confident that we will concieve this year". : ) God, please shower us with blessings.
The first indicator is unusual menstrual patterns, which I have. Having a doctor ask me when I think my next period will be is always an embarrasment because I literally have no clue. It could be next week or 2 months from now for all I know. Plus, it's always hard when you want to have a child so bad and you miss a period and then instantly get excited thinking your pregnant just to have pregnancy test after pregnancy test come back negative.
The second indicator is obesity, which again I have. I'm not "obese" by much but nevertheless I'm still obese. They tell if you are obese or not based upon your BMI level. If your BMI level is 30 or above then that classifies you as obese. My BMI level is 31. Not cool!
The third indicator is family history of diabetes. I have this in my family tree. Directly linked to me infact because both my father and my grandfather have diabetes. Basically this just means that in my system somewhere my body is most likely not be dealing well with insulin. Doesn't mean I'm diabetic but it does mean I need to watch out for it because I'm definitely at risk.
The fourth indicator is androgenic (masculinizing) hormone levels. Luckily, my hormone levels are normal. Which means "I don't have to shave my face". This is a joke in which I will get to in a minute.
The fifth and sixth indicators are found by ultrasound in which they are looking for small ovarian follicles... I found this next part on wikipedia because it describes it better than I could... In normal menstrual cycle, one egg is released from a dominant follicle - essentially a cyst that bursts to release the egg. After ovulation the follicle remnant is transformed into a progesterone producing corpus luteum, which shrinks and disappears after approximately 12–14 days. In PCOS, there is a so called "follicular arrest", i.e., several follicles develop to a size of 5–7 mm, but not further. No single follicle reach the preovulatory size (16 mm or more). According to the Rotterdam criteria, 12 or more small follicles should be seen in an ovary on ultrasound examination. The follicles may be oriented in the periphery, giving the appearance of a 'string of pearls'. The numerous follicles contribute to the increased size of the ovaries, that is, 1.5 to 3 times larger than normal.
Basically what this is saying is that I have a lot more follicles than women with normal menstural cycles and they are smaller than they should be. It's also saying that my ovaries are slightly enlarged.... Both the 5th and 6th indicators I have. Below is a picture of an ultrasound (not mine but mine looked exactly like this but my follicles were a little smaller) of what the small follicles look like in which PCOS is instantly determined....
The last two indicators are thickening... thickening of the cervix and thickening of the walls around the ovaries. Both of which I do not have.
Now that you have had your biology lesson for the day, let me get to the fun stuff....
Above, I told you what I have and what I don't have. All of this was explained to me on Friday at my doctors appointment. When the doctor came out and told me what my diagnosis is, I laughed. I then explained to her that my last doctor had told me that PCOS wasn't something I could have simply because I don't shave my face. Get the joke now? My new doctor believes the old one should be kicked out of the medical field.......... I agree.
So now that I have an official diagnosis, we know where to go from here. There are a couple of medications I'm going to have to take... Clomid being the first which will induce ovulation and the second being Metformin which is given to people (such as my father) who have diabetes. In a few studies it has been shown that women with PCOS who were given Metformin with Clomid were able to concieve slightly faster. I am all about fast. I've been waiting 4 years to have a child, only 2 of which we have been actually trying but still. I'm ready to be a mother. It's all I have every wanted. Some people want fame and fortune but I would be perfectly happy being poor as long as I have a child that I can wrap my arms around and kiss goodnight. There is also a chance that I might have to have daily injections which will help my little follicles grow.
John still has to have his "wash & swim" swimmers test done which he will be going on the 20th for. Dr. Sharma said she will have his results that day. I have to schedule my follow up appointment for sometime after his appointment (I'm hoping for the day after) that way we can get this show on the road. I'm praying for good results from this. Once again, his appointment will be a make or break appointment. I think it'll be good enough regardless to still be able to try IUI or IVF but just incase, I'm praying anyway.
God has blessed us so far this new year... I hope He has big plans for us. After all, Dr. Sharma is "confident that we will concieve this year". : ) God, please shower us with blessings.
Wednesday 5 January 2011
Praying 2011 is better than 2010
It's been a while since I have posted anything and I never gave the update about how my appointment went with the new Obgyn... 2011 is a new year, a new beginning, a new future. Before we can pray about our future, we have to know our past. Here's some of what has happened.
We had our appointment with Dr. Sharma back on December 9th. I was a little worried at first but after sitting and talking to her for OVER an hour, I have come to love her. Haha! I have never seen a doctor take so much time with a patient before. She is very thorough and had great things to say.
At our appointments with the last OBgyn, we were told that I do not have PCOS, my husband's swimmer count made it impossible to become pregnant naturally, that I'm way too overweight, IUI isn't at all an option and there is only one fertility clinic in all of England that can help us.... My new DOCTOR beggs to differ on every account. She went through my medical and family history way better than the last lady. She went through John's medical and family history which the last lady didn't at all. And then she made me breathe a big sigh of relief.
She told us that with my family history of diabetes and the lack of testing the last person did, I should definitely have PCOS. The last OB didn't do nearly enough to rule it out. Most would think that that is a bad thing... it's not. PCOS is treatable! Wahoo! The next amazing thing she told us is that the last person completely misinformed us of John's test scores. It is still possible for him to get me pregnant naturally, but it could take a while.... this isn't a bad thing though because of the fact that this now means that IUI is an option that we didn't have before. The next great thing she told me is that I'm not too overweight. Should I try to lose some weight? Absolutely. But, being overweight isn't going to stop her from helping us. And the last completely awesome thing she told us.... A fertility clinic 4 hours away isn't necessary. She can do IUI's and IVF at a nearby hospital. Wahoo!!! I was actually able to get through a doctor's appointment without crying. It was amazing. I had a huge smile on my face the rest of the day. She had me give a blood sample before I left so she could run a couple more tests. John has to have a more invasive swimmer analysis done and I have to go for a very unique type of ultrasound.
Now, here we are in the new year. It's 2011 and I'm ready for some BIG changes. Monday, I started my work outs. I'm going to lose weight for the benefit of my future child. 1 in 3 pregnancies already end in miscarriage, I don't want to double the odds by being "obese". My friends who have seen me often refuse to believe that I'm obese but I am infact, obese. It was extremely hard to admit that to myself for the longest time. But I am. I just happen to hide my weight well. But, I won't have to call myself obese for much longer. I'm changing my life for the better. Healthier food choices and exercise is my ticket to pregnancy. Plus, I'm going to have to cut out the DP's once I'm pregnant anyway, might as well start now. : ) I'm also going to try reallly hard to have a better relationship with God.
I go on Friday for my ultrasound. I'm hoping it gives us good results. I'll keep you updated on the results after I get them.
Happy New Year!!!!
We had our appointment with Dr. Sharma back on December 9th. I was a little worried at first but after sitting and talking to her for OVER an hour, I have come to love her. Haha! I have never seen a doctor take so much time with a patient before. She is very thorough and had great things to say.
At our appointments with the last OBgyn, we were told that I do not have PCOS, my husband's swimmer count made it impossible to become pregnant naturally, that I'm way too overweight, IUI isn't at all an option and there is only one fertility clinic in all of England that can help us.... My new DOCTOR beggs to differ on every account. She went through my medical and family history way better than the last lady. She went through John's medical and family history which the last lady didn't at all. And then she made me breathe a big sigh of relief.
She told us that with my family history of diabetes and the lack of testing the last person did, I should definitely have PCOS. The last OB didn't do nearly enough to rule it out. Most would think that that is a bad thing... it's not. PCOS is treatable! Wahoo! The next amazing thing she told us is that the last person completely misinformed us of John's test scores. It is still possible for him to get me pregnant naturally, but it could take a while.... this isn't a bad thing though because of the fact that this now means that IUI is an option that we didn't have before. The next great thing she told me is that I'm not too overweight. Should I try to lose some weight? Absolutely. But, being overweight isn't going to stop her from helping us. And the last completely awesome thing she told us.... A fertility clinic 4 hours away isn't necessary. She can do IUI's and IVF at a nearby hospital. Wahoo!!! I was actually able to get through a doctor's appointment without crying. It was amazing. I had a huge smile on my face the rest of the day. She had me give a blood sample before I left so she could run a couple more tests. John has to have a more invasive swimmer analysis done and I have to go for a very unique type of ultrasound.
Now, here we are in the new year. It's 2011 and I'm ready for some BIG changes. Monday, I started my work outs. I'm going to lose weight for the benefit of my future child. 1 in 3 pregnancies already end in miscarriage, I don't want to double the odds by being "obese". My friends who have seen me often refuse to believe that I'm obese but I am infact, obese. It was extremely hard to admit that to myself for the longest time. But I am. I just happen to hide my weight well. But, I won't have to call myself obese for much longer. I'm changing my life for the better. Healthier food choices and exercise is my ticket to pregnancy. Plus, I'm going to have to cut out the DP's once I'm pregnant anyway, might as well start now. : ) I'm also going to try reallly hard to have a better relationship with God.
I go on Friday for my ultrasound. I'm hoping it gives us good results. I'll keep you updated on the results after I get them.
Happy New Year!!!!
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