I Feel Like...

one of those NASCAR drivers. I keep going in circles but it seems like the finish line is no where in sight. The yellow flag is out and now it's time for a pit stop on the infertility track. Don't ask me why I'm using NASCAR as an analogy because I really couldn't tell ya. It just happens to be the first thing that came to mind.


We had our appointment yesterday. I have been impatiently awaiting it all week. I thought 7:30 was never going to get here. But it did, and I was in shock at what we found out. Sitting in the waiting room I couldn't be still. I was bouncing my leg and rocking back and forth. I just had this feeling in the bottom of my stomach that we weren't going to get good news.


My gut is never wrong. The doctor went over the results to my sonogram again, this time a little more in depth. She went over what our next steps are and read off the results to my bloodwork. We talked about the fact that I have had an operation on my phelopean tubes before. When I was 14 I had a cyst wrapped around it that I had to have surgically removed. Because of this surgery, my doctor is afraid that I may have some scar tissue that could possibly be effecting my tubes currently. She didn't see any swelling on the sonogram but wants to go in and do an exploritory surgery to take a good look at them while also checking me for endometriosis. If the tubes need repairing or if she finds endometriosis then she is going to fix both while in there. The panic sets in when we see how much this surgery costs... Let me remind you I live in England where the currency exchange rate is currently $1.60 to every one British pound. The surgery costs over 3,000 pounds! That's over $4500!! What if Tricare doesn't cover it? We went ahead and scheduled my surgery. If Tricare doesn't cover it, we can just cancel the appointment.


To top off this lovely news of yet another surgery on my belt, I asked her for John's sample results. Apparently, her nurse forgot to include them in my file. Yay! This was the main thing I was worried about and instead of getting the results to something I was expecting, I got results to something I didn't even know was going to need to be done.


Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night. I layed awake all night long thinking. I reverted back to the beating myself up stage. Asking God what I did to deserve this. Asking Him why countless girls I have graduated with have gotten pregnant when they didn't even want kids while I'm sitting here prepared to pay thousands of dollars at the drop of a hat for something I've wanted so bad for so long. Why do they get to have a child that they can't take care of and don't want for free when I so desperately want to be a mother and can afford to give a child the life they deserve? I talked to God and prayed and prayed that He give me a small break. Just ease up on me just a little. I'm cracking. I'm giving into the pressure. I'm starting to lose it. Everything I hold dear to my heart is starting to slip away. I'm starting to give up on life all together.


Luckily, He answered my prayers and cut me some slack today. First by giving my a truely amazing friend who came in and gave me a hug just to lift my spirits. Then by giving me the perfect moment to call my insurance and find out that the surgery I need is covered 100%. Thank you Jesus! I breathed a big sigh of relief. Finally, by having my doctor call me and give me the news that John's tests came back normal. His swimmers can definitely do the job of fertilizing my eggs without the help of doctors and drugs.


Now we just have to get my tubes and eggs in working order and we are ready for the final lap!