I'm Tabitha. I was recently introduced to blogging by a good friend of mine (Thanks Allison!) and thought it would be a great way to relieve some stress by being able to talk about what all is going on in this crazy mind of mine instead of holding it all in like I usually do. Hopefully it will be productive and help me get some questions as well as help other people in a similar situation as mine.
Well, here it goes:
I am currently living in the middle of England with my husband John. He is a Staff Sgt in the US Air Force. If you ask anyone who really knows me, they will instantly be able to tell you that they never pictured me living in England... well, neither did I. I was perfectly content with living in Dallas, Texas my whole life. But, nothing ever goes as planned.
Nothing ever goes as planned.... that, is an understatement to my life.
I planned on living in Texas my whole life.... and now I live in England.
I planned on getting married at 18 (don't ask me why... I was stupid back then. Haha!)... I was close on this one... I got married one month after I turned 20.
I planned on marrying a cowboy.... I married a military city boy.
I planned on having my first child at the age of 20.... I'm nearly 24 and have never been pregnant.
Life is full of surprises. All of my surprises seem to be happening all at the same time... and none of them are good. I consider myself a Christian. By no means am I a perfect one, nor do I even believe I'm a good Christian but, I try to be. I have had my battles with my faith. Growing up and having 2 best friends that were atheist was no easy task but I managed. I tried going to church when I was a junior in high school but stopped. I didn't believe it was right to stay in a church when everyone around you were doing things that were definitely NOT Christian. People cheating on their spouses hanging out in the hallways and flirting like no one could see them, people from my high school who were sitting in Sunday school hung over, people gossiping and laughing at others. Not cool. So, I took it upon myself to remove myself from the equation and continue to love God from home. After leaving the church, I made my fair share of mistakes, some of which I would give anything to take back and some that I feel guilty about but wouldn't change because at that time it made me happy and if I hadn't have done it that way, then I might not have met my husband.
Anyway, back to my surprises. I met my husband the summer after I graduated from high school. We dated for over a year (long distance practically the whole time) and the Thanksgiving after our one year mark (2006) I flew to Maryland to spend time with him at his duty station. While there, we started talking a lot about marriage and he even had me show him some of the rings I liked. At that point, it was a no brainer that we would get married and my life would change forever. I would go from being the home-body, country girl at heart to a military wife.... but, we thought it would only be for another 4 years. Becoming a military spouse to be was surprise of my life #1.
Below is a picture of my husband...
#2 came right after I returned home from Thanksgiving in MD. I was diagnosed with a ruptured disc in my lower spine and had another one that was bulging dramatically. At the time, I was working at a Middle School and thought, "okay well, I've been living with back pain for a few years, the surgery can wait until school is out in May." John came home for Christmas and proposed on Christmas Eve. Initially, we had planned on having a long engagement. I was hoping to move to Maryland 6+ months before our wedding that way we could make sure we were a great match before saying "I do." Well, with news of back surgery, we reconsidered. Pay thousands of dollars for back surgery? Or get married sooner and not pay a dime? Obviously, we opted for the shorter engagement and 5 days after saying "I will!" we said "I do!" on December 29, 2006.
Surprise #3 happened that following April. I was working with Autistic students and on this particular day, one of them was in rare form, became very aggressive and kicked me... Can you guess where?.... Yep, In my spine of course! That little angel ruptured the disc that had previously been bulging. So now, with 2 ruptured discs, I could no longer roll over in bed at night. Walking felt like training for the Olympics and work? Forget about it! So, with great humiliation, I resigned from my job only one month before school was set to be over. A week later, I was admitted to the hospital and had the surgery.
Surprise #4: By the end of May, I had completely recovered and was feeling great. John had been moved to Florida for a 5 month training course (which is why we got married 5 days after our engagement) and now my mother was being admitted to the hosptial to have the same procedure done on her spine that I had just had done on mine. (Apparently, bad discs IS hereditary.) Surprise #4 just happens to be a GOOD surprise. : ) Right after getting the word that my mom had pulled through her surgery with flying colors and was being moved into a room my husband texted me a picture of the single cutest dog I have ever seen. She had big ears, a pouty face and giant paws!
See what I mean by "baby"?
No, surprise #5 happened in the fall of 2008. John really began disliking his job and needed to find a way to get out of Maryland. His only option? Do a one year unaccompanied tour in Korea. Basically meaning, spend one year away from his wife in a foreign country. Yay! Not!!! By this point, John and I had been happily married for almost 2 years only one of which we had actually spent living under the same roof. (If you are getting married to a service member or are newly married to one, prepare yourself because this will happen to you as well.) Spending a year away from my husband isn't at all what I wanted. After all, I was just getting use to living with him and getting over no longer living in the great state of Texas! But, if I had to do a year without him, what better place to be than back at home.
Surprise #6 started just before John left for Korea. On Christmas 2008 John finally gave me the go ahead to get off of birth control so that we could start trying for a baby. Sounds crazy right? Why on earth would she want to get pregnant just a few months before her husband leaves for a year? Well, because we knew that John would get to come home for a few weeks in the middle of his tour which means he would be there for the birth of the baby! Again, things never work out as planned. We make plans and God laughs. Needless to say, I didn't get pregnant. By this point I was certain something was wrong with me. After all, it took my mom 5 years to get pregnant with me. After going a few months without a period and without any positive pregnancy tests, I went to the obgyn and had countless numbers of tests done. Month after month I had blood drawn and finally we discovered that I do not ovulate. No worries, there's clomid for that!! 6 months into John's deployment to Korea (yes, Korea is considered a deployment) and with a heavy dose of Clomid in my purse, I flew over there to spend a month with him. Again, we were praying we would concieve during this visit. We were crazy like rabbits! That's all I'll say about that... again, no luck. After going over a month without a period and without any positive pregnancy tests, I went back to the obgyn and continued having more testing done. The doctor decided I needed a heavier dose of Clomid and sent me on my way praying that it would work when John came home for Christmas... Again, no such luck.
By Christmas, we were onto surprise # 7. John had recieved follow-on orders to England. I was in shock. Though I knew England was a huge possibility before moving back to Texas, I had secretly prayed that it wouldn't happen. After all, I had a hard enough time being away from my family while living in Maryland, now I was going to be in a completely different country!!! I continued to insist that it was going to be okay and I painted a smile on my face and told everyone I was excited. Not a complete lie. I was excited to be seeing England... but I would have been perfectly happy just visiting it for a couple of weeks before returning home. Nope, we would be there for 3 years! Which meant, John would have to extend for 2 extra years. Once again, I told myself, "what's 3 years? It'll fly by!" So, in April 2010 and with tears in my eyes we boarded our flight to England.
Shortly after arriving in England, I immediatly booked a doctor's appointment so that I could keep up with my Clomid. I wanted to get pregnant as fast as possible. Unfortunately, the base we are at is very small and so I was referred to a military obgyn at a base 3 hours away. No big deal. I can go see him/her and they can send the perscription to the base we are at. No biggie. WRONG! Surprise # 8: The doctor I saw was the exact opposite experience I had been imagining. Instead of giving me the perscription.... she took me off of the medication COMPLETELY! I was in full panic mode! I was crying uncontrolably, my husband was upset because he doesn't like to see me cry, which then stresses him out, which stresses me out. Huge vicious circle! The doctor took me off of the medication because my BMI was too high and told me to lose 12 pounds and then she would put me back on it. She was also going to run a bunch of tests, one of which my husband came into play on.... Yes, he had to have his swimmers checked. I will get back to this in a little bit... So here she is, taking me off the one medication I need to get pregnant all while calling me fat... she did it in a very nice way though.... "Oh... well.... you hide your weight well." I'm not going to lie to you, I'm 6'0" tall and weigh over 200lbs. But, by looking at me you would never guess it. Which enrages me even more due to the fact that I'm clearly not your typical 5'6 woman. I'm an amazon woman. Have been since I was in 6th grade! I can't help it. I have wide sholders, wide hips, big feet, not to mention taller than a lot of men. I'm obviously not going to fit into the same little catagory as her little card of BMI levels. But, I figured it wouldn't hurt to lose a few pounds so I got right onto it.
Surprise #9: I immediately started working out and cooking healthier foods and before I knew it I had lost 15 pounds. She called me back with all my test results and told me that everything came back good, meaning I didn't have PCOS and so my only problem was ovulation and the only thing she could think of was that my weight was causing me not to ovulate. Before hanging up, I excitedly told her I had exceeded the 12lbs she wanted me to lose and had infact lost 15. She said "Oh that's great! Now I just need you to lose 5 more." I was outraged! If I could have seen my face in a mirror I'm sure I turned blood red. I balled up my fists and as soon as we hung up the phone.... I cried. Yes, I am a crier. It's what I do. I cry when I'm sad, when I'm mad, when I'm hurt, you name it.
After that call, I lost myself. I began binge eating. I stopped working out. I was basically getting back and nothing by stuffing my face. In the process, I gained 5 pounds back of the 15 I had already lost. So now, I had 10 lbs to lose.
After all of this, I gave up. I began stuggling with my faith. I couldn't understand why God was punishing me. What had I done that was so wrong that a 12 year old can get pregnant but I can't! I gave up all hope. I began getting angry everytime I would see a pregnant woman (and lets face it, there are a lot of them on a military base). I was bitter.
Surprise #10 came just a few days ago. My husband finally went for his test the week before and we got the results from the doctor over the phone on Friday night. John's results weren't good. Not at all. There is no way he can naturally get me pregnant. Not 100% sterile, but not good enough to create a life. We were both devistated. I cried like a baby that night. Harder than I ever had before. Saturday and Sunday, John just spent time alone together. We thought about everything, talked about it all. And decided that we still have options. We aren't giving up. Obviously the old fashioned way is out of the picture but there is still IVF (in vitro fertilization) and adoption.
We have options.
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