Moving Forward

Monday was a very emotional day for me. John had to work, as did I, but I get off much earlier than he does. So, here I was sitting at home a full 6 hours before he was due to be home. Hmmm... what to do?


The night before I had talked to my Mom. We talked for a couple of hours and she was doing her best to keep me calm and reassure me that everything is going to be okay. She brought up the fact that she thought it was a good idea for us to close the door to the nursery... Well, I had already done that. Did it Friday to be exact. But, it didn't seem to be helping any. I knew what was behind it. Not to mention we often have to go in there to get out jackets or grab the hammer (don't ask me why we keep this in the closet of the nursery because I really haven't got a clue). I knew I had to do more than just shut the door to keep from thinking about the fact that on the other side is a crib without a baby in it. I talked to John that night and we agreed that it was time to take apart the crib, put all the baby stuff away and turn the room into something other than a nursery. Time to make it a hobby room!


So, on Monday afternoon, armed with a drill and a box of kleenex, I began tearing down the bad mojo that was this room. I started with all the bedding and the frilly net above the crib. I neatly folded everything and stored it in a container that could slide under the bed. After all, it's good quality stuff. I'm not going to box it up and put it in a cold damp garage. At this point I was fine. No kleenex needed. So with a little extra pep in my step, I took the (still wrapped in plastic) crib mattress down to the garage and stored it. Next, all I had left to do was disassemble the crib. I considered for a moment waiting until John got home but I knew he would be tired and wouldn't want to mess with it. I couldn't have that. I needed this thing taken apart tonight. Out of sight, out of mind right?


Good thing I went forward on my own. The second the first screw came out I burst into tears and cried a little harder with each screw. By the time I was done taking out the 16th screw, I could barely breath. I stumbled backwards away from the pieces and slid to the floor where I continued to cry for another 30 minutes. Hailey was completely freaked out. She had no clue what to do. She'd walk in and whine and slowly inch towards me until she was nudging my hand with her nose. Like I said, this dog is everything to me. If she could talk, you would swear she is a human stuck in a dog's body. She nudged her way until she was between my legs with her head on my shoulder. I locked my arms around her and knew that this had to be a sign that everything is going to be okay.


For those of you who don't know, I'm a huge daddy's girl. Always have been, always will be. So, I called him. I needed someone to talk to. Good thing too because he really knows how to distract me. Before i knew it, we were talking about a trip he is going on with my grandparents and aunt and I had completely put what had just happened out of my mind. I truely have the BEST family in the world. They have their drama but I wouldn't change anything because when we get together, we have the best time. We laugh until our whole bodies hurt. You will probably never meet a more laid back and supportive family.


Tuesday I had to start back at the school. (Monday was a different job that I only do on occasion.) I was terrified that it was going to be a bad day. I just knew that I was going to end up crying infront of my students. Surprisingly, I was wrong. In fact, quite the opposite. They were both so excited to be at school that I had no option but to have fun with them. They completely took my mind off of the news we had recieved on Friday. This put my mind at ease because it means that I can be around children without becoming bitter, sad, awkward or just plain silent. This was a huge fear that was developing inside of me. I was really worried I wouldn't be able to cope with having kids around me. But, much to my relief, I'm completely fine with it. I don't want to stop hanging out with my friends just because they all have kids. That's not fair to them, my husband or myself. Especially not fair to my friend's kids who have grown attached to me and my husband. We might not have kids, but we sure do know how to spoil them!


There is honestly no better feeling, in my opinion, than holding a baby in your arms. Whether it's yours or not. Babies have this supreme calming effect over me. I hold one and the whole world goes still.


I don't like to be gooshy but I have to add this next part:


There is one family in our lives right now that I want to thank. There are a lot but today I just want to thank the C crew. (You know who you are.) Thank you for allowing John and I to spoil your kids. Thank you for sharing them with us. Having the 5 of you in our lives is a huge blessing. In the words of "A".... "I ecited, I ecited! I ecited to see Tabida and John." --- This put a giant smile on my face this morning and then again at lunch when I heard it all over again. I truely believe there is a reason for all of us being friends and I think one of those reasons is to help us get through everything we are going through. Thank you for being such great friends and for always being willing to listen and give advice. Y'all are more than just friends, you're family.