Round 2, Emma & Memorial Day

Well here we go again with round 2 of Clomid.

My last cycle didn't go well at all. I as posted previously, my 2 little 8mm follicles didn't make it and then no more were spotted. I never did ovulate which kinda has me concerned.

I went in on cycle day 10 and they instantly found a 10mm follicle in my right ovary. Interesting considering that the 2, 8mm beans were in that same ovary last month. Oh well. Now I'm just hoping any praying that the nurse sees the same follicle at my appointment tomorrow and hopefully this time it has grown. This is my absoulte last chance at being able to get pregnant before flying home. I really, really, really, REALLY want to be able to tell my family in person that I'm pregnant. If this cycle doesn't work then we will have to skip a cycle before we can do our last cycle of Clomid.

I'm so tired of waiting for things to happen for us. It seems like a never ending cycle.... hurry up and wait. : ( I'm trying really hard to stay positive though. I just keep thinking about this new follicle growing inside of me. Praying that it's growing inside of me. Maybe if I think hard enough about it then it'll actually happen.

I'm going to switch gears a little bit. I've been having a new dream lately. John and I are currently living overseas and we couldn't afford to bring both of our dogs with us so we decided to leave our schnauzer Emma with my parents. She is a handful but I love her so much. She is just too stinking cute even though she is a little bitch. She is very high matinence and demands attention. My husband really can't stand her because she is mouthy and can be quite expensive at times. Yes, I am one of those people that put my dog in dresses. I draw the line at the doggy stroller though. She does have 4 feet therefore she will walk.... or I'll hold her. LOL! Anyway, I've been missing my little Emma like crazy lately. I'll call my parents and hear her barking in the background and I instantly melt into a puddle.
This is Emma...

Anyway, so I've been dreaming lately that when I fly home she doesn't know who I am anymore and refuses to have anything to do with me. : ( I love my little baby girl and I absoultely HATE that I had to leave her behind. Until I fly home next month though, I just have to hope and pray that she remembers me and will be happy to see me.
The last thing before I go, I want to say Happy Memorial Day to everyone. I am a very proud Air Force Wife and I love my husband sooo much. The friends I have made through the military are unbelievable. When you are living overseas, your friends become your family so to my Family, I love you all and I'm so proud of each and every one of you. Thank you for keeping us safe and protecting our freedom. Without our US Military, our world would be completely different.

2+2 = 2+0

So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted anything. Turns out that my 2 little beans didn't make it. In fact, the nurse shouldn't have even told me about them since they were smaller than 10mm. : ( I tried to be confident the rest of the cycle that at some point at least one good sized one would appear. I had reason to hope since the lining of my uterus kept increasing. I was pretty disappointed when I started my period the morning of my next appointment. Here we are again with yet another failed cycle. John kept apologizing and telling me he is sorry which just breaks my heart even more because I feel like I'm letting him down..... again.

To completely swtich gears, I want to comment that I feel like God communicates with me through music. Getting in my car to drive to work that morning seemed nearly impossible but I pushed myself through it. Once I got in the car I hooked up my iPhone to my stero and selected it to play random songs. The song that started blaring through the speakers could be my theme song....

http://youtu.be/LBTCaGU5_1c

I am so in love with this song. I know it was written about a boy and a break up but to me it's all about my struggle with infertility. I sang it in my head all day at work, played it on repeat the whole way to and from work today and sang it in the shower. I feel like this song really gives me the boost I need to keep pushing forward. Yeah, this cycle failed.... I still have one more cycle before I leave to go home for a month and I want to start this new cycle with a more positive outlook. The last cycle didn't work so that must mean that the next one is going to be better. I start ovulation tracking again on the 27th. Be praying that this time we get some mature follicles. : )

Also before I go.... I really hope you enjoyed this song as much as I do. Here is one more fantastic motivational song that I love....

http://youtu.be/Vyi-eEY2g-U
: )

Mother's Day & Breakdowns

Today is Mother's Day. A day that I love....... to hate.

I woke up this morning from a dream that, like in reality, it is Mother's Day. But in my dream, it wasn't one of having a child and waking up to getting gifts, hugs and Eskimo kisses from a little bundle of joy. Nope, in this dream I was still infertile. But, in this dream my husband did something very, very sweet. (I know it was a dream bc John just isn't the mushy romantic type) I dreamt that he came home from work with a giant bouquet of flowers with the sweetest card that read "To the mother of my unborn child. Happy Mother's Day. I love you." I was able to hold all my tears in until after John left for work.

I feel like I've been crying all morning.  I posted a big "Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and Mommy-to-be's" on Facebook. The single reply I got from a very close friend was enough to make me cry all over again. She replied with "And to those who are mommy's to angles still being perfected in heaven, waiting for just the right time to grace us with their presence!" Such a sweet comment to hear on a day that all of us infertiles wish we could just skip. Thank you so much A for sending me that. I really, really appreciate it.

To bring me to the big breakdown.... I don't know why on earth I even watch this show but nevertheless, I was watching Pregnant in Heels. I thought I would hate the show when I saw the first episode but I think the fact that Rosie is also infertile has kept me connected. Anyhow, I got to the scene in the bridezilla episode where she gets a phone call from her doctor who tells her that they just don't know for sure if the IVF had worked or not. Her comment is "Now I just have to wait another 2 weeks. I hate waiting." Rosie, I can honestly say.... I hate waiting too.

Praying 2+2=4

This Wednesday I started ovulation tracking with my wonderful doctor. I was given Provera to start my cycle and the day I went to pick up the perscription, I started on my own. That was weird considering I had just finished my period 8 days prior to that. I thought oh well and started taking my Clomid the next day. Wednesday, like I said earlier, I went in to have an ultrasound to see if there are any follicles developing. I was pretty let down when there were none but the technician said that she could see where I had ovulated from my left ovary during my last cycle. I thought that was weird too considering the fact that I don't ovulate without help and at that point I wasn't on Clomid. Hmmm... okay whatever. So I was told to go back in today (Saturday) and check again. This time we saw two follicles in my right ovary and one in my left. Ironically, the same dark spot that the last tech claimed was proof I had ovulated from my left ovary on my last cycle, was infact not proof of that at all but instead the follicle forming for this cycle. After getting dressed, I went and sat down and the new tech told me that yes, I do infact have 3 follicles. The one in the left ovary is extremely small and the 2 in my right ovary are measuring at about 8 mm. She said that these two have a great chance at growing some more and she is hopeful that they will be about 11 mm at my next appointment on Wednesday the 11th. She also informed me that the lining of my cervix has thickened which is a great indication that I am about to ovulate. She told me to start my ovulation kits on Monday. I didn't get any pictures of my two little follicles but I'm going to be determined to get them on Wednesday, if they are still growing. Also on that day, should they be the correct size, I'll be going in for more bloodwork (the same bloodwork I just had done on Monday) which will measure for certain hormones that will indicate whether or not these two little beans are harboring eggs. In the meantime, I'm sitting here staring at my belly, placing my hand on it and praying to God that these follicles mature. I know if all goes well, and they do grow and John's swimmers are able to fertilize both of them that my doctor will want to turn this cycle into IVF. I'm definitely not down for that. I would love to have twins.

So now, I just wait.... and pray.... and wait.... and pray some more that God will grant our wish to become parents and to even hopefully become parents to a beautiful set of twins. However, if this is not His plan, I will happily accept just one. : )