So last night was an interesting one. I made the mistake of blogging about my marriage. Apparently, that is a BIG no no! So, it won't be happening again.
I have a goal for this blog. I want it to help me and to help other people specifically with infertility issues as well as with questions people have about military life whether it be stateside or overseas... I have experience with both so why not share my experiences?
This is fall so I'm turning over a new leaf. I'm done feeling sorry for myself. I'm done with all the worrying. I'm lifting all my problems up to God and leaving them with Him. I'll still follow His direction and go wherever it is He thinks I need to go. Right now He has me pointed towards one of the best Obgyn's in all of England and that is exactly where I am headed. There was some miscommunication with my last appointment date and I ended up missing the appointment by 24 hours. That won't be happening again so I'll be seeing her on December 4th.
TTC
Wednesday, 17 November 2010
Monday, 15 November 2010
Venting
OMG!!!!! I'm a million emotions right now and all of them aren't good. I'm hurt, confused, frustrated, disappointed, sad, depressed.... the list could go on and on!
Why does everyong have to ask if you have kids? WHY?!?! And to make matters worse, when someone says "no, I don't have kids" why does that person have to ask "why?" UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!! It's not like I choose to not have children. Believe me, I want them more than anyone on this planet! But today took the cake... I was already in a not so great mood, didn't feel well when this all went down. I understand that some people are "just curious" but stay the hell out of my business! When you ask if I have kids and I say no, leave it at that! Don't turn around and ask why and then when I say just because I can't, that does NOT give you the right to then ask, "well have you tried?" SERIOUSLY?!?! I could have burst into tears at that very moment. OF COURSE I HAVE TRIED! What the hell kind of question is that anyway? Is this God's way of testing me? I don't get it. I really don't.
Why does everyong have to ask if you have kids? WHY?!?! And to make matters worse, when someone says "no, I don't have kids" why does that person have to ask "why?" UUUUUUUGGGGGHHHHH!!! It's not like I choose to not have children. Believe me, I want them more than anyone on this planet! But today took the cake... I was already in a not so great mood, didn't feel well when this all went down. I understand that some people are "just curious" but stay the hell out of my business! When you ask if I have kids and I say no, leave it at that! Don't turn around and ask why and then when I say just because I can't, that does NOT give you the right to then ask, "well have you tried?" SERIOUSLY?!?! I could have burst into tears at that very moment. OF COURSE I HAVE TRIED! What the hell kind of question is that anyway? Is this God's way of testing me? I don't get it. I really don't.
Sunday, 31 October 2010
All Work & Some Play
Let me start off by saying:
Happy Halloween!!!
So, I thought I might do a little update on myself since it has been a while since my last real post.
Lately, all I have been doing is consuming myself with work and school. I work at a school near where I live and it isn't the best job I ever had, but it can definitely be a lot of fun. I work in the Preschool classroom with children who have a learning delay. They aren't what you would call Special Ed but we do our best to get them caught up in their motor skills and/or language so that they are prepared to enter kindergarten. I love working with the kids but the one thing I absolutely can't stand doing is lunch duty! I dont know why, but being in a lunch room full of 200+ middle schoolers was nothing compared to working elementary lunch with less than 100 kids. Don't ask my why that lunch is so rough because I really couldn't tell you. It's not like the kids are bad. Infact, majority of them are angels but there is something about it that just irritating and exhausting. But, I put up with all of the mess because I only work from 8am to 1pm. That's it. 5 hours a day. What should I have to complain about, right? Well, I choose to work only 5 hours a day. I didn't want anymore hours than that since I'm going to be starting college full time soon. I know there are a lot of people out there (including my mom) who work full time and go to school full time but, that's just not something I can handle. I've been there and done that. I was even working 2 full time jobs and going to school at one point but, no more! It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that I would like to graduate with a nice GPA. : ) Anyway, so I've been working all week, doing homework when I got home and even bringing some work home to work on. Infact, I have a backpack full of stuff sitting next to me that I should be working on right now but just don't feel like doing it. So anyway, to make a long story short, for some reason when my principal came to ask me if I wanted more hours and I said no, I then felt guilty and took on those extra hours without really understanding why I was doing it. What was I thinking!?!?!?! I start those extra hours on Monday. SOOOO not looking forward to going back to work. To top it off, Wednesday is my birthday. Happy birthday to me!!! haha! not.
I mentioned that I am taking a college course this semester. It is an 8 week PE course. I thought it would be soooo easy since the title of it is "Introduction to Walking". I was wrong. I never would have thought that there would have been so much reading involved in a PE course. I thought all I would have to do is put on a pedometer and enter my daily step count into the computer every night. Oh no! Of course not! I read the book, do labs, and take tests as well as write on the discussion board once a week.
Please don't stop reading because all I have done is complain so far. I promise, there is a silver lining.
The best thing all this work is it is making time go by so much faster. : ) On the 11th, I have an appointment with one of the best Obgyn's in England! I'm so ready. John and I are both looking forward to the appointment so we can find out if there are other options besides IVF and adoption. Can't wait!!!! Maybe God has a plan for us after all. : )
Hope all of you have a great week. I'm going to try and make the best of mine. After all, Wednesday is my birthday, maybe something great will happen.
Bye for now!
Happy Halloween!!!
So, I thought I might do a little update on myself since it has been a while since my last real post.
Lately, all I have been doing is consuming myself with work and school. I work at a school near where I live and it isn't the best job I ever had, but it can definitely be a lot of fun. I work in the Preschool classroom with children who have a learning delay. They aren't what you would call Special Ed but we do our best to get them caught up in their motor skills and/or language so that they are prepared to enter kindergarten. I love working with the kids but the one thing I absolutely can't stand doing is lunch duty! I dont know why, but being in a lunch room full of 200+ middle schoolers was nothing compared to working elementary lunch with less than 100 kids. Don't ask my why that lunch is so rough because I really couldn't tell you. It's not like the kids are bad. Infact, majority of them are angels but there is something about it that just irritating and exhausting. But, I put up with all of the mess because I only work from 8am to 1pm. That's it. 5 hours a day. What should I have to complain about, right? Well, I choose to work only 5 hours a day. I didn't want anymore hours than that since I'm going to be starting college full time soon. I know there are a lot of people out there (including my mom) who work full time and go to school full time but, that's just not something I can handle. I've been there and done that. I was even working 2 full time jobs and going to school at one point but, no more! It's not that I'm lazy, it's just that I would like to graduate with a nice GPA. : ) Anyway, so I've been working all week, doing homework when I got home and even bringing some work home to work on. Infact, I have a backpack full of stuff sitting next to me that I should be working on right now but just don't feel like doing it. So anyway, to make a long story short, for some reason when my principal came to ask me if I wanted more hours and I said no, I then felt guilty and took on those extra hours without really understanding why I was doing it. What was I thinking!?!?!?! I start those extra hours on Monday. SOOOO not looking forward to going back to work. To top it off, Wednesday is my birthday. Happy birthday to me!!! haha! not.
I mentioned that I am taking a college course this semester. It is an 8 week PE course. I thought it would be soooo easy since the title of it is "Introduction to Walking". I was wrong. I never would have thought that there would have been so much reading involved in a PE course. I thought all I would have to do is put on a pedometer and enter my daily step count into the computer every night. Oh no! Of course not! I read the book, do labs, and take tests as well as write on the discussion board once a week.
Please don't stop reading because all I have done is complain so far. I promise, there is a silver lining.
The best thing all this work is it is making time go by so much faster. : ) On the 11th, I have an appointment with one of the best Obgyn's in England! I'm so ready. John and I are both looking forward to the appointment so we can find out if there are other options besides IVF and adoption. Can't wait!!!! Maybe God has a plan for us after all. : )
Hope all of you have a great week. I'm going to try and make the best of mine. After all, Wednesday is my birthday, maybe something great will happen.
Bye for now!
Tuesday, 19 October 2010
Motivation
We have so much going on in our lives right now. There is so much to think about, so many options to weigh, and so very much to do. Life in general is going to become very fast paced over the next few months. Yesterday, I started a PE class for school. Looks and seems like it might give me that extra push I need. I'm excited about it. I wanted to just focus on the class and forget all about our fertility issues until the class is over, lose some weight, get my BMI down and then start over with the doctors. But, once again, nothing ever goes as planned.
We got an appointment with one of the best Obgyns in England. Our appointment is on November 11th which is why forgetting about the fertility issues went flying out of the window. Who knows what will happen at this appoitment. She may take a look at all of our medical records and say there is nothing she can do or she might tell me that the military doctors are missing something and she knows just what to do to help us. It is exciting and scary all at the same time. Exciting because there is now hope that we might not have to pay an arm and a leg for IVF but scary at the same time because this might just be another big disappointment. If it turns out to be the last one, we are going to have to suck it up and be strong. No more meltdowns. Just keep remembering that there is still hope. We still have other options. Maybe this is what God wants. Maybe he just wants us to go in, pay for the IVF and have triplets. Bam! Instant family. Or, maybe He just wants us to adopt and have one beautiful, healthy boy or girl who deserves to have a good home. Either way, we will eventually have a family.
This PE class is going to be fast paced so I have to be prepared to work hard. No more junk food, no more going straight home and getting on the computer. From now on, it's healthy cooking and working out at least 30 minutes right after getting off work. Time to kick it into high gear and lose this weight!
As long as I stay strong and keep my head high, I can and will get through this.
We got an appointment with one of the best Obgyns in England. Our appointment is on November 11th which is why forgetting about the fertility issues went flying out of the window. Who knows what will happen at this appoitment. She may take a look at all of our medical records and say there is nothing she can do or she might tell me that the military doctors are missing something and she knows just what to do to help us. It is exciting and scary all at the same time. Exciting because there is now hope that we might not have to pay an arm and a leg for IVF but scary at the same time because this might just be another big disappointment. If it turns out to be the last one, we are going to have to suck it up and be strong. No more meltdowns. Just keep remembering that there is still hope. We still have other options. Maybe this is what God wants. Maybe he just wants us to go in, pay for the IVF and have triplets. Bam! Instant family. Or, maybe He just wants us to adopt and have one beautiful, healthy boy or girl who deserves to have a good home. Either way, we will eventually have a family.
This PE class is going to be fast paced so I have to be prepared to work hard. No more junk food, no more going straight home and getting on the computer. From now on, it's healthy cooking and working out at least 30 minutes right after getting off work. Time to kick it into high gear and lose this weight!
As long as I stay strong and keep my head high, I can and will get through this.
Wednesday, 13 October 2010
Moving Forward
Monday was a very emotional day for me. John had to work, as did I, but I get off much earlier than he does. So, here I was sitting at home a full 6 hours before he was due to be home. Hmmm... what to do?
The night before I had talked to my Mom. We talked for a couple of hours and she was doing her best to keep me calm and reassure me that everything is going to be okay. She brought up the fact that she thought it was a good idea for us to close the door to the nursery... Well, I had already done that. Did it Friday to be exact. But, it didn't seem to be helping any. I knew what was behind it. Not to mention we often have to go in there to get out jackets or grab the hammer (don't ask me why we keep this in the closet of the nursery because I really haven't got a clue). I knew I had to do more than just shut the door to keep from thinking about the fact that on the other side is a crib without a baby in it. I talked to John that night and we agreed that it was time to take apart the crib, put all the baby stuff away and turn the room into something other than a nursery. Time to make it a hobby room!
So, on Monday afternoon, armed with a drill and a box of kleenex, I began tearing down the bad mojo that was this room. I started with all the bedding and the frilly net above the crib. I neatly folded everything and stored it in a container that could slide under the bed. After all, it's good quality stuff. I'm not going to box it up and put it in a cold damp garage. At this point I was fine. No kleenex needed. So with a little extra pep in my step, I took the (still wrapped in plastic) crib mattress down to the garage and stored it. Next, all I had left to do was disassemble the crib. I considered for a moment waiting until John got home but I knew he would be tired and wouldn't want to mess with it. I couldn't have that. I needed this thing taken apart tonight. Out of sight, out of mind right?
Good thing I went forward on my own. The second the first screw came out I burst into tears and cried a little harder with each screw. By the time I was done taking out the 16th screw, I could barely breath. I stumbled backwards away from the pieces and slid to the floor where I continued to cry for another 30 minutes. Hailey was completely freaked out. She had no clue what to do. She'd walk in and whine and slowly inch towards me until she was nudging my hand with her nose. Like I said, this dog is everything to me. If she could talk, you would swear she is a human stuck in a dog's body. She nudged her way until she was between my legs with her head on my shoulder. I locked my arms around her and knew that this had to be a sign that everything is going to be okay.
For those of you who don't know, I'm a huge daddy's girl. Always have been, always will be. So, I called him. I needed someone to talk to. Good thing too because he really knows how to distract me. Before i knew it, we were talking about a trip he is going on with my grandparents and aunt and I had completely put what had just happened out of my mind. I truely have the BEST family in the world. They have their drama but I wouldn't change anything because when we get together, we have the best time. We laugh until our whole bodies hurt. You will probably never meet a more laid back and supportive family.
Tuesday I had to start back at the school. (Monday was a different job that I only do on occasion.) I was terrified that it was going to be a bad day. I just knew that I was going to end up crying infront of my students. Surprisingly, I was wrong. In fact, quite the opposite. They were both so excited to be at school that I had no option but to have fun with them. They completely took my mind off of the news we had recieved on Friday. This put my mind at ease because it means that I can be around children without becoming bitter, sad, awkward or just plain silent. This was a huge fear that was developing inside of me. I was really worried I wouldn't be able to cope with having kids around me. But, much to my relief, I'm completely fine with it. I don't want to stop hanging out with my friends just because they all have kids. That's not fair to them, my husband or myself. Especially not fair to my friend's kids who have grown attached to me and my husband. We might not have kids, but we sure do know how to spoil them!
There is honestly no better feeling, in my opinion, than holding a baby in your arms. Whether it's yours or not. Babies have this supreme calming effect over me. I hold one and the whole world goes still.
I don't like to be gooshy but I have to add this next part:
There is one family in our lives right now that I want to thank. There are a lot but today I just want to thank the C crew. (You know who you are.) Thank you for allowing John and I to spoil your kids. Thank you for sharing them with us. Having the 5 of you in our lives is a huge blessing. In the words of "A".... "I ecited, I ecited! I ecited to see Tabida and John." --- This put a giant smile on my face this morning and then again at lunch when I heard it all over again. I truely believe there is a reason for all of us being friends and I think one of those reasons is to help us get through everything we are going through. Thank you for being such great friends and for always being willing to listen and give advice. Y'all are more than just friends, you're family.
The night before I had talked to my Mom. We talked for a couple of hours and she was doing her best to keep me calm and reassure me that everything is going to be okay. She brought up the fact that she thought it was a good idea for us to close the door to the nursery... Well, I had already done that. Did it Friday to be exact. But, it didn't seem to be helping any. I knew what was behind it. Not to mention we often have to go in there to get out jackets or grab the hammer (don't ask me why we keep this in the closet of the nursery because I really haven't got a clue). I knew I had to do more than just shut the door to keep from thinking about the fact that on the other side is a crib without a baby in it. I talked to John that night and we agreed that it was time to take apart the crib, put all the baby stuff away and turn the room into something other than a nursery. Time to make it a hobby room!
So, on Monday afternoon, armed with a drill and a box of kleenex, I began tearing down the bad mojo that was this room. I started with all the bedding and the frilly net above the crib. I neatly folded everything and stored it in a container that could slide under the bed. After all, it's good quality stuff. I'm not going to box it up and put it in a cold damp garage. At this point I was fine. No kleenex needed. So with a little extra pep in my step, I took the (still wrapped in plastic) crib mattress down to the garage and stored it. Next, all I had left to do was disassemble the crib. I considered for a moment waiting until John got home but I knew he would be tired and wouldn't want to mess with it. I couldn't have that. I needed this thing taken apart tonight. Out of sight, out of mind right?
Good thing I went forward on my own. The second the first screw came out I burst into tears and cried a little harder with each screw. By the time I was done taking out the 16th screw, I could barely breath. I stumbled backwards away from the pieces and slid to the floor where I continued to cry for another 30 minutes. Hailey was completely freaked out. She had no clue what to do. She'd walk in and whine and slowly inch towards me until she was nudging my hand with her nose. Like I said, this dog is everything to me. If she could talk, you would swear she is a human stuck in a dog's body. She nudged her way until she was between my legs with her head on my shoulder. I locked my arms around her and knew that this had to be a sign that everything is going to be okay.
For those of you who don't know, I'm a huge daddy's girl. Always have been, always will be. So, I called him. I needed someone to talk to. Good thing too because he really knows how to distract me. Before i knew it, we were talking about a trip he is going on with my grandparents and aunt and I had completely put what had just happened out of my mind. I truely have the BEST family in the world. They have their drama but I wouldn't change anything because when we get together, we have the best time. We laugh until our whole bodies hurt. You will probably never meet a more laid back and supportive family.
Tuesday I had to start back at the school. (Monday was a different job that I only do on occasion.) I was terrified that it was going to be a bad day. I just knew that I was going to end up crying infront of my students. Surprisingly, I was wrong. In fact, quite the opposite. They were both so excited to be at school that I had no option but to have fun with them. They completely took my mind off of the news we had recieved on Friday. This put my mind at ease because it means that I can be around children without becoming bitter, sad, awkward or just plain silent. This was a huge fear that was developing inside of me. I was really worried I wouldn't be able to cope with having kids around me. But, much to my relief, I'm completely fine with it. I don't want to stop hanging out with my friends just because they all have kids. That's not fair to them, my husband or myself. Especially not fair to my friend's kids who have grown attached to me and my husband. We might not have kids, but we sure do know how to spoil them!
There is honestly no better feeling, in my opinion, than holding a baby in your arms. Whether it's yours or not. Babies have this supreme calming effect over me. I hold one and the whole world goes still.
I don't like to be gooshy but I have to add this next part:
There is one family in our lives right now that I want to thank. There are a lot but today I just want to thank the C crew. (You know who you are.) Thank you for allowing John and I to spoil your kids. Thank you for sharing them with us. Having the 5 of you in our lives is a huge blessing. In the words of "A".... "I ecited, I ecited! I ecited to see Tabida and John." --- This put a giant smile on my face this morning and then again at lunch when I heard it all over again. I truely believe there is a reason for all of us being friends and I think one of those reasons is to help us get through everything we are going through. Thank you for being such great friends and for always being willing to listen and give advice. Y'all are more than just friends, you're family.
Tuesday, 12 October 2010
Surprises
Hello!!
I'm Tabitha. I was recently introduced to blogging by a good friend of mine (Thanks Allison!) and thought it would be a great way to relieve some stress by being able to talk about what all is going on in this crazy mind of mine instead of holding it all in like I usually do. Hopefully it will be productive and help me get some questions as well as help other people in a similar situation as mine.
Well, here it goes:
I am currently living in the middle of England with my husband John. He is a Staff Sgt in the US Air Force. If you ask anyone who really knows me, they will instantly be able to tell you that they never pictured me living in England... well, neither did I. I was perfectly content with living in Dallas, Texas my whole life. But, nothing ever goes as planned.
Nothing ever goes as planned.... that, is an understatement to my life.
I planned on living in Texas my whole life.... and now I live in England.
I planned on getting married at 18 (don't ask me why... I was stupid back then. Haha!)... I was close on this one... I got married one month after I turned 20.
I planned on marrying a cowboy.... I married a military city boy.
I planned on having my first child at the age of 20.... I'm nearly 24 and have never been pregnant.
Life is full of surprises. All of my surprises seem to be happening all at the same time... and none of them are good. I consider myself a Christian. By no means am I a perfect one, nor do I even believe I'm a good Christian but, I try to be. I have had my battles with my faith. Growing up and having 2 best friends that were atheist was no easy task but I managed. I tried going to church when I was a junior in high school but stopped. I didn't believe it was right to stay in a church when everyone around you were doing things that were definitely NOT Christian. People cheating on their spouses hanging out in the hallways and flirting like no one could see them, people from my high school who were sitting in Sunday school hung over, people gossiping and laughing at others. Not cool. So, I took it upon myself to remove myself from the equation and continue to love God from home. After leaving the church, I made my fair share of mistakes, some of which I would give anything to take back and some that I feel guilty about but wouldn't change because at that time it made me happy and if I hadn't have done it that way, then I might not have met my husband.
Anyway, back to my surprises. I met my husband the summer after I graduated from high school. We dated for over a year (long distance practically the whole time) and the Thanksgiving after our one year mark (2006) I flew to Maryland to spend time with him at his duty station. While there, we started talking a lot about marriage and he even had me show him some of the rings I liked. At that point, it was a no brainer that we would get married and my life would change forever. I would go from being the home-body, country girl at heart to a military wife.... but, we thought it would only be for another 4 years. Becoming a military spouse to be was surprise of my life #1.
Below is a picture of my husband...
#2 came right after I returned home from Thanksgiving in MD. I was diagnosed with a ruptured disc in my lower spine and had another one that was bulging dramatically. At the time, I was working at a Middle School and thought, "okay well, I've been living with back pain for a few years, the surgery can wait until school is out in May." John came home for Christmas and proposed on Christmas Eve. Initially, we had planned on having a long engagement. I was hoping to move to Maryland 6+ months before our wedding that way we could make sure we were a great match before saying "I do." Well, with news of back surgery, we reconsidered. Pay thousands of dollars for back surgery? Or get married sooner and not pay a dime? Obviously, we opted for the shorter engagement and 5 days after saying "I will!" we said "I do!" on December 29, 2006.
Surprise #3 happened that following April. I was working with Autistic students and on this particular day, one of them was in rare form, became very aggressive and kicked me... Can you guess where?.... Yep, In my spine of course! That little angel ruptured the disc that had previously been bulging. So now, with 2 ruptured discs, I could no longer roll over in bed at night. Walking felt like training for the Olympics and work? Forget about it! So, with great humiliation, I resigned from my job only one month before school was set to be over. A week later, I was admitted to the hospital and had the surgery.
Surprise #4: By the end of May, I had completely recovered and was feeling great. John had been moved to Florida for a 5 month training course (which is why we got married 5 days after our engagement) and now my mother was being admitted to the hosptial to have the same procedure done on her spine that I had just had done on mine. (Apparently, bad discs IS hereditary.) Surprise #4 just happens to be a GOOD surprise. : ) Right after getting the word that my mom had pulled through her surgery with flying colors and was being moved into a room my husband texted me a picture of the single cutest dog I have ever seen. She had big ears, a pouty face and giant paws!
Hailey then..... & Hailey Now....
He bought us our first baby. When I say bought, he actually rescued her from the Pensacola pound. She was only 6 weeks old at the time. Someone had already rescued her once and actually took her back! Why on Earth anyone would do such a thing was beyond me but I was glad they did because Hailey is one of the best things that has ever happened to me. She brings John and I so much happiness and she is incredibly smart.
See what I mean by "baby"?
Calling this dog spoiled is the understatement of the year. She now weighs 70lbs and still wants to be a lap dog.... which (when John isn't home) I still allow. After having Hailey for a while and moving back to Maryland, we noticed that Hailey requires a LOT of attention which we can always give her... so, then there were 4. That's right, Hailey got a sister.
We adopted little Miss Emma into our family in April 2008. Now, Emma isn't surprise #5 because, well, she wasn't a surprise. Haha!
No, surprise #5 happened in the fall of 2008. John really began disliking his job and needed to find a way to get out of Maryland. His only option? Do a one year unaccompanied tour in Korea. Basically meaning, spend one year away from his wife in a foreign country. Yay! Not!!! By this point, John and I had been happily married for almost 2 years only one of which we had actually spent living under the same roof. (If you are getting married to a service member or are newly married to one, prepare yourself because this will happen to you as well.) Spending a year away from my husband isn't at all what I wanted. After all, I was just getting use to living with him and getting over no longer living in the great state of Texas! But, if I had to do a year without him, what better place to be than back at home.
Surprise #6 started just before John left for Korea. On Christmas 2008 John finally gave me the go ahead to get off of birth control so that we could start trying for a baby. Sounds crazy right? Why on earth would she want to get pregnant just a few months before her husband leaves for a year? Well, because we knew that John would get to come home for a few weeks in the middle of his tour which means he would be there for the birth of the baby! Again, things never work out as planned. We make plans and God laughs. Needless to say, I didn't get pregnant. By this point I was certain something was wrong with me. After all, it took my mom 5 years to get pregnant with me. After going a few months without a period and without any positive pregnancy tests, I went to the obgyn and had countless numbers of tests done. Month after month I had blood drawn and finally we discovered that I do not ovulate. No worries, there's clomid for that!! 6 months into John's deployment to Korea (yes, Korea is considered a deployment) and with a heavy dose of Clomid in my purse, I flew over there to spend a month with him. Again, we were praying we would concieve during this visit. We were crazy like rabbits! That's all I'll say about that... again, no luck. After going over a month without a period and without any positive pregnancy tests, I went back to the obgyn and continued having more testing done. The doctor decided I needed a heavier dose of Clomid and sent me on my way praying that it would work when John came home for Christmas... Again, no such luck.
By Christmas, we were onto surprise # 7. John had recieved follow-on orders to England. I was in shock. Though I knew England was a huge possibility before moving back to Texas, I had secretly prayed that it wouldn't happen. After all, I had a hard enough time being away from my family while living in Maryland, now I was going to be in a completely different country!!! I continued to insist that it was going to be okay and I painted a smile on my face and told everyone I was excited. Not a complete lie. I was excited to be seeing England... but I would have been perfectly happy just visiting it for a couple of weeks before returning home. Nope, we would be there for 3 years! Which meant, John would have to extend for 2 extra years. Once again, I told myself, "what's 3 years? It'll fly by!" So, in April 2010 and with tears in my eyes we boarded our flight to England.
This is a picture we took on the plane before we took off.
Shortly after arriving in England, I immediatly booked a doctor's appointment so that I could keep up with my Clomid. I wanted to get pregnant as fast as possible. Unfortunately, the base we are at is very small and so I was referred to a military obgyn at a base 3 hours away. No big deal. I can go see him/her and they can send the perscription to the base we are at. No biggie. WRONG! Surprise # 8: The doctor I saw was the exact opposite experience I had been imagining. Instead of giving me the perscription.... she took me off of the medication COMPLETELY! I was in full panic mode! I was crying uncontrolably, my husband was upset because he doesn't like to see me cry, which then stresses him out, which stresses me out. Huge vicious circle! The doctor took me off of the medication because my BMI was too high and told me to lose 12 pounds and then she would put me back on it. She was also going to run a bunch of tests, one of which my husband came into play on.... Yes, he had to have his swimmers checked. I will get back to this in a little bit... So here she is, taking me off the one medication I need to get pregnant all while calling me fat... she did it in a very nice way though.... "Oh... well.... you hide your weight well." I'm not going to lie to you, I'm 6'0" tall and weigh over 200lbs. But, by looking at me you would never guess it. Which enrages me even more due to the fact that I'm clearly not your typical 5'6 woman. I'm an amazon woman. Have been since I was in 6th grade! I can't help it. I have wide sholders, wide hips, big feet, not to mention taller than a lot of men. I'm obviously not going to fit into the same little catagory as her little card of BMI levels. But, I figured it wouldn't hurt to lose a few pounds so I got right onto it.
Surprise #9: I immediately started working out and cooking healthier foods and before I knew it I had lost 15 pounds. She called me back with all my test results and told me that everything came back good, meaning I didn't have PCOS and so my only problem was ovulation and the only thing she could think of was that my weight was causing me not to ovulate. Before hanging up, I excitedly told her I had exceeded the 12lbs she wanted me to lose and had infact lost 15. She said "Oh that's great! Now I just need you to lose 5 more." I was outraged! If I could have seen my face in a mirror I'm sure I turned blood red. I balled up my fists and as soon as we hung up the phone.... I cried. Yes, I am a crier. It's what I do. I cry when I'm sad, when I'm mad, when I'm hurt, you name it.
After that call, I lost myself. I began binge eating. I stopped working out. I was basically getting back and nothing by stuffing my face. In the process, I gained 5 pounds back of the 15 I had already lost. So now, I had 10 lbs to lose.
After all of this, I gave up. I began stuggling with my faith. I couldn't understand why God was punishing me. What had I done that was so wrong that a 12 year old can get pregnant but I can't! I gave up all hope. I began getting angry everytime I would see a pregnant woman (and lets face it, there are a lot of them on a military base). I was bitter.
Surprise #10 came just a few days ago. My husband finally went for his test the week before and we got the results from the doctor over the phone on Friday night. John's results weren't good. Not at all. There is no way he can naturally get me pregnant. Not 100% sterile, but not good enough to create a life. We were both devistated. I cried like a baby that night. Harder than I ever had before. Saturday and Sunday, John just spent time alone together. We thought about everything, talked about it all. And decided that we still have options. We aren't giving up. Obviously the old fashioned way is out of the picture but there is still IVF (in vitro fertilization) and adoption.
We have options.
I'm Tabitha. I was recently introduced to blogging by a good friend of mine (Thanks Allison!) and thought it would be a great way to relieve some stress by being able to talk about what all is going on in this crazy mind of mine instead of holding it all in like I usually do. Hopefully it will be productive and help me get some questions as well as help other people in a similar situation as mine.
Well, here it goes:
I am currently living in the middle of England with my husband John. He is a Staff Sgt in the US Air Force. If you ask anyone who really knows me, they will instantly be able to tell you that they never pictured me living in England... well, neither did I. I was perfectly content with living in Dallas, Texas my whole life. But, nothing ever goes as planned.
Nothing ever goes as planned.... that, is an understatement to my life.
I planned on living in Texas my whole life.... and now I live in England.
I planned on getting married at 18 (don't ask me why... I was stupid back then. Haha!)... I was close on this one... I got married one month after I turned 20.
I planned on marrying a cowboy.... I married a military city boy.
I planned on having my first child at the age of 20.... I'm nearly 24 and have never been pregnant.
Life is full of surprises. All of my surprises seem to be happening all at the same time... and none of them are good. I consider myself a Christian. By no means am I a perfect one, nor do I even believe I'm a good Christian but, I try to be. I have had my battles with my faith. Growing up and having 2 best friends that were atheist was no easy task but I managed. I tried going to church when I was a junior in high school but stopped. I didn't believe it was right to stay in a church when everyone around you were doing things that were definitely NOT Christian. People cheating on their spouses hanging out in the hallways and flirting like no one could see them, people from my high school who were sitting in Sunday school hung over, people gossiping and laughing at others. Not cool. So, I took it upon myself to remove myself from the equation and continue to love God from home. After leaving the church, I made my fair share of mistakes, some of which I would give anything to take back and some that I feel guilty about but wouldn't change because at that time it made me happy and if I hadn't have done it that way, then I might not have met my husband.
Anyway, back to my surprises. I met my husband the summer after I graduated from high school. We dated for over a year (long distance practically the whole time) and the Thanksgiving after our one year mark (2006) I flew to Maryland to spend time with him at his duty station. While there, we started talking a lot about marriage and he even had me show him some of the rings I liked. At that point, it was a no brainer that we would get married and my life would change forever. I would go from being the home-body, country girl at heart to a military wife.... but, we thought it would only be for another 4 years. Becoming a military spouse to be was surprise of my life #1.
Below is a picture of my husband...
#2 came right after I returned home from Thanksgiving in MD. I was diagnosed with a ruptured disc in my lower spine and had another one that was bulging dramatically. At the time, I was working at a Middle School and thought, "okay well, I've been living with back pain for a few years, the surgery can wait until school is out in May." John came home for Christmas and proposed on Christmas Eve. Initially, we had planned on having a long engagement. I was hoping to move to Maryland 6+ months before our wedding that way we could make sure we were a great match before saying "I do." Well, with news of back surgery, we reconsidered. Pay thousands of dollars for back surgery? Or get married sooner and not pay a dime? Obviously, we opted for the shorter engagement and 5 days after saying "I will!" we said "I do!" on December 29, 2006.
Surprise #3 happened that following April. I was working with Autistic students and on this particular day, one of them was in rare form, became very aggressive and kicked me... Can you guess where?.... Yep, In my spine of course! That little angel ruptured the disc that had previously been bulging. So now, with 2 ruptured discs, I could no longer roll over in bed at night. Walking felt like training for the Olympics and work? Forget about it! So, with great humiliation, I resigned from my job only one month before school was set to be over. A week later, I was admitted to the hospital and had the surgery.
Surprise #4: By the end of May, I had completely recovered and was feeling great. John had been moved to Florida for a 5 month training course (which is why we got married 5 days after our engagement) and now my mother was being admitted to the hosptial to have the same procedure done on her spine that I had just had done on mine. (Apparently, bad discs IS hereditary.) Surprise #4 just happens to be a GOOD surprise. : ) Right after getting the word that my mom had pulled through her surgery with flying colors and was being moved into a room my husband texted me a picture of the single cutest dog I have ever seen. She had big ears, a pouty face and giant paws!
See what I mean by "baby"?
No, surprise #5 happened in the fall of 2008. John really began disliking his job and needed to find a way to get out of Maryland. His only option? Do a one year unaccompanied tour in Korea. Basically meaning, spend one year away from his wife in a foreign country. Yay! Not!!! By this point, John and I had been happily married for almost 2 years only one of which we had actually spent living under the same roof. (If you are getting married to a service member or are newly married to one, prepare yourself because this will happen to you as well.) Spending a year away from my husband isn't at all what I wanted. After all, I was just getting use to living with him and getting over no longer living in the great state of Texas! But, if I had to do a year without him, what better place to be than back at home.
Surprise #6 started just before John left for Korea. On Christmas 2008 John finally gave me the go ahead to get off of birth control so that we could start trying for a baby. Sounds crazy right? Why on earth would she want to get pregnant just a few months before her husband leaves for a year? Well, because we knew that John would get to come home for a few weeks in the middle of his tour which means he would be there for the birth of the baby! Again, things never work out as planned. We make plans and God laughs. Needless to say, I didn't get pregnant. By this point I was certain something was wrong with me. After all, it took my mom 5 years to get pregnant with me. After going a few months without a period and without any positive pregnancy tests, I went to the obgyn and had countless numbers of tests done. Month after month I had blood drawn and finally we discovered that I do not ovulate. No worries, there's clomid for that!! 6 months into John's deployment to Korea (yes, Korea is considered a deployment) and with a heavy dose of Clomid in my purse, I flew over there to spend a month with him. Again, we were praying we would concieve during this visit. We were crazy like rabbits! That's all I'll say about that... again, no luck. After going over a month without a period and without any positive pregnancy tests, I went back to the obgyn and continued having more testing done. The doctor decided I needed a heavier dose of Clomid and sent me on my way praying that it would work when John came home for Christmas... Again, no such luck.
By Christmas, we were onto surprise # 7. John had recieved follow-on orders to England. I was in shock. Though I knew England was a huge possibility before moving back to Texas, I had secretly prayed that it wouldn't happen. After all, I had a hard enough time being away from my family while living in Maryland, now I was going to be in a completely different country!!! I continued to insist that it was going to be okay and I painted a smile on my face and told everyone I was excited. Not a complete lie. I was excited to be seeing England... but I would have been perfectly happy just visiting it for a couple of weeks before returning home. Nope, we would be there for 3 years! Which meant, John would have to extend for 2 extra years. Once again, I told myself, "what's 3 years? It'll fly by!" So, in April 2010 and with tears in my eyes we boarded our flight to England.
Shortly after arriving in England, I immediatly booked a doctor's appointment so that I could keep up with my Clomid. I wanted to get pregnant as fast as possible. Unfortunately, the base we are at is very small and so I was referred to a military obgyn at a base 3 hours away. No big deal. I can go see him/her and they can send the perscription to the base we are at. No biggie. WRONG! Surprise # 8: The doctor I saw was the exact opposite experience I had been imagining. Instead of giving me the perscription.... she took me off of the medication COMPLETELY! I was in full panic mode! I was crying uncontrolably, my husband was upset because he doesn't like to see me cry, which then stresses him out, which stresses me out. Huge vicious circle! The doctor took me off of the medication because my BMI was too high and told me to lose 12 pounds and then she would put me back on it. She was also going to run a bunch of tests, one of which my husband came into play on.... Yes, he had to have his swimmers checked. I will get back to this in a little bit... So here she is, taking me off the one medication I need to get pregnant all while calling me fat... she did it in a very nice way though.... "Oh... well.... you hide your weight well." I'm not going to lie to you, I'm 6'0" tall and weigh over 200lbs. But, by looking at me you would never guess it. Which enrages me even more due to the fact that I'm clearly not your typical 5'6 woman. I'm an amazon woman. Have been since I was in 6th grade! I can't help it. I have wide sholders, wide hips, big feet, not to mention taller than a lot of men. I'm obviously not going to fit into the same little catagory as her little card of BMI levels. But, I figured it wouldn't hurt to lose a few pounds so I got right onto it.
Surprise #9: I immediately started working out and cooking healthier foods and before I knew it I had lost 15 pounds. She called me back with all my test results and told me that everything came back good, meaning I didn't have PCOS and so my only problem was ovulation and the only thing she could think of was that my weight was causing me not to ovulate. Before hanging up, I excitedly told her I had exceeded the 12lbs she wanted me to lose and had infact lost 15. She said "Oh that's great! Now I just need you to lose 5 more." I was outraged! If I could have seen my face in a mirror I'm sure I turned blood red. I balled up my fists and as soon as we hung up the phone.... I cried. Yes, I am a crier. It's what I do. I cry when I'm sad, when I'm mad, when I'm hurt, you name it.
After that call, I lost myself. I began binge eating. I stopped working out. I was basically getting back and nothing by stuffing my face. In the process, I gained 5 pounds back of the 15 I had already lost. So now, I had 10 lbs to lose.
After all of this, I gave up. I began stuggling with my faith. I couldn't understand why God was punishing me. What had I done that was so wrong that a 12 year old can get pregnant but I can't! I gave up all hope. I began getting angry everytime I would see a pregnant woman (and lets face it, there are a lot of them on a military base). I was bitter.
Surprise #10 came just a few days ago. My husband finally went for his test the week before and we got the results from the doctor over the phone on Friday night. John's results weren't good. Not at all. There is no way he can naturally get me pregnant. Not 100% sterile, but not good enough to create a life. We were both devistated. I cried like a baby that night. Harder than I ever had before. Saturday and Sunday, John just spent time alone together. We thought about everything, talked about it all. And decided that we still have options. We aren't giving up. Obviously the old fashioned way is out of the picture but there is still IVF (in vitro fertilization) and adoption.
We have options.
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