So yesterday I went to our clinic on base and picked up my prescription for a medication that is going to induce my cycle. Before being allowed to take the medication though, I had to have a pregnancy test done since I haven't had a period since early February. I'm not surprised by this. I was supposed to get my next cycle the week after my surgery but I figured my body was just skipping it this month due to the interruptions within my body.
I went to the lab tech and due to them having some work done on the ladies bathroom at that exact moment, he decided to do a blood draw for the pregnancy test. He told me it would take 30 minutes to get the results. I didn't really have anywhere I had to be so I approved and went to wait in the lobby.
I sat there on my iPhone trying to pass the time. Then, I made the tragic mistake of beginning to think about the pregnancy test. I know it's going to be negative so what's the point? The longer I sit there, the more antsy I became. I don't know why I do this to myself. I started daydreaming about the day that I will be able to tell my parents that I'm pregnant. I want it to be done in a special way. Not just pick up the phone and yell "Mom, I'm pregnant!" Nope, I want to do something more fun. So, there I sit daydreaming away with a sappy smile on my face when suddenly I hear my favorite nurse, Samantha (She is my favorite bc she also happens to be named after a Bewitched character) call my name. I jolt back into reality, stand up and walk toward her. She takes me into one of the offices and tells me "I don't know if this is good news or bad..." then she says it..... "It's negative." I guess my facial expression gave it away because she instantly started rubbing my arm and told me she's sorry. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I get my hopes up when I already know the outcome? Why do I get upset?
Why? Why? Why?..... I found this book at our library called Unsung Lullabies. It's supposed to help women with infertility cope. It's supposed to help us understand what's happening. I checked it out but have yet to read it. Every time I look at it I think to myself "I don't want to cope... I just want my baby." That's all I want. Just a baby. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong for me to want to make a new life? To raise a child and have him or her call me Mommy? Is it so wrong for me to want to be able to dust off a scraped knee and kiss it to make it feel better? Is it wrong? IS IT?!?!
Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel numb a lot of times. Like I'm just sitting here waiting for my life to actually begin. I go blank a lot. It's like I just randomly check out. I have no clue what's going on around me during these blank moments. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm just so tired all the time. I go to bed early but it's like sleep evades me. I never use to dream until all this infertility crap happened. Now all I dream about is seeing twins in the distance and I'm running for them but I can never catch them. I look at John once I stop running and see nothing but disappointment in his eyes. Hell, sometimes I see that in reality. Or at least I think I am.... That brings me back to me feeling like I'm losing my mind. Am I delusional?
I know I created this blog to get answers and to help other people but this post and especially the last one are only meant for me. These are my only way of venting without seeing people shut down or lose interest in what I'm saying. This is the only place I can vent without having someone try to stop me from telling my story or having to hear someone tell me I need help. I know what I need and help isn't it.... I need support! Unconditional, unbiased support......
I also could use a hug. : (
TTC
Tuesday, 29 March 2011
Friday, 25 March 2011
Emotional Roller Coaster & Jealousy
It seems as though my emotional roller coaster is taking me through yet another dip. I was doing a lot better. The news about the IVF costing the full $4100 dropped my "happiness" a little but I was still relatively happy.
Today, something changed. I'm on that downward slope once again. I guess this drop took place as I was talking to my grandparents. We started talking about the infertility mess that is my life and suddenly it took a shift. They asked about a friend of mine. This friend just happens to be beautifully pregnant with her 4th child. She got married 2 months after me and is on beautiful, healthy, baby # 4. I love her to death and I'm extremely happy for her but part of me aches inside. I'm jealous. I would give anything to have what she has: fertility.
I was getting past the "seeing babies everywhere" phase and now suddenly they are all back. Everyone on facebook is posting pictures of sonograms, new born additions, nursery photos.... and here I sit, avoiding the closet that holds the crib, asking John to do the laundry just so I don't have to step foot in the garage where the box with the bassinet sits, trying my hardest to keep a smile on my face when I look at newborn clothes for my sister-in-law.
Work is getting harder as well. I had 3 students tell me they love me yesterday. Took every ounce of me not to cry at the thought of longing for those words to come out of my own child's mouth.
I'm supposed to be doing better.... and I was. I'm just ready for this roller coaster to stop so I can get off. Better yet, I'm ready to leave the theme park.
Today, something changed. I'm on that downward slope once again. I guess this drop took place as I was talking to my grandparents. We started talking about the infertility mess that is my life and suddenly it took a shift. They asked about a friend of mine. This friend just happens to be beautifully pregnant with her 4th child. She got married 2 months after me and is on beautiful, healthy, baby # 4. I love her to death and I'm extremely happy for her but part of me aches inside. I'm jealous. I would give anything to have what she has: fertility.
I was getting past the "seeing babies everywhere" phase and now suddenly they are all back. Everyone on facebook is posting pictures of sonograms, new born additions, nursery photos.... and here I sit, avoiding the closet that holds the crib, asking John to do the laundry just so I don't have to step foot in the garage where the box with the bassinet sits, trying my hardest to keep a smile on my face when I look at newborn clothes for my sister-in-law.
Work is getting harder as well. I had 3 students tell me they love me yesterday. Took every ounce of me not to cry at the thought of longing for those words to come out of my own child's mouth.
I'm supposed to be doing better.... and I was. I'm just ready for this roller coaster to stop so I can get off. Better yet, I'm ready to leave the theme park.
Wednesday, 23 March 2011
IVF News
Yesterday I found out that the hospital we will be receiving the IVF at requires the full $4100 up front on the day of our nurse consultation. They won't allow me to get an itemized bill and have my insurance cover their part. Instead, we must pay the full amount. There is a chance that after paying, we could possibly get a break down and then have our insurance company reimburse us. I'm not at all happy with this news but it is what it is and I can't argue since this is the place that could possibly make my dreams come true.
Now, John and I have a dilemma. We are trying to decide what is more important: John being here for the birth of our first child(ren) or him being here for all of their firsts (words, steps, crawling, etc.) Due to the fact that John will be deploying next year, how do we want to play this? We could wait for him to come back and him be there for all of it, but that puts us at only having 6 months to try the IVF and pray it works before moving. What if it doesn't work? I can't get the IVF done in Korea so that would mean John would either lose his dream of having biological children and us adopt, or have to wait another 3 years before going back to the States.
For all of you reading this who have children, tell me your opinion. Would you rather give birth without your husband? Or not see any of your kids' firsts?
Now, add this into the mix... If we wait until September or October to do the IVF and it works, then my parents could be here for the birth of the baby(ies). Does that change your opinion any?
I'm serious about getting your advice. I really want to know what you think. Tell me :-)
Now, John and I have a dilemma. We are trying to decide what is more important: John being here for the birth of our first child(ren) or him being here for all of their firsts (words, steps, crawling, etc.) Due to the fact that John will be deploying next year, how do we want to play this? We could wait for him to come back and him be there for all of it, but that puts us at only having 6 months to try the IVF and pray it works before moving. What if it doesn't work? I can't get the IVF done in Korea so that would mean John would either lose his dream of having biological children and us adopt, or have to wait another 3 years before going back to the States.
For all of you reading this who have children, tell me your opinion. Would you rather give birth without your husband? Or not see any of your kids' firsts?
Now, add this into the mix... If we wait until September or October to do the IVF and it works, then my parents could be here for the birth of the baby(ies). Does that change your opinion any?
I'm serious about getting your advice. I really want to know what you think. Tell me :-)
Sunday, 20 March 2011
Full of Good News
For the first time in a very long time (probably 2 years to be exact), I am very, very happy!!!
A couple of weeks ago, I never would have thought saying that sentance above would have been possible. Things have been on a downward spiral ever since we moved to England. Things kept going wrong and then we were told that having children without the need of IVF was no longer an option. Mine and John's hearts both broke. I think we layed in the hospital bed together and cried for nearly an hour. I was furious with God. After leaving the hospital, I took a turn for the worst. Thoughts of death (not suicide.... I believe that's the single most selfish thing anyone could do) consumed me. I just wanted to die. I wanted God to take me from the world and end all my suffering. I couldn't take anymore negative things happening to me. I had two major break downs infront of John and I just knew he was thinking I should be locked in an institution.
Luckily, greatfully, I can finally say that things are looking up. Granted, they aren't working out the way I wanted them to but plans never do. God pushed me to my breaking point to show me exactly how strong I can be and now He is lifting me back up....
Wednesday, March 16th, we had an appointment with Dr. S. Before we went in, I sat in the waiting room preparing myself to hear the words that had brought me down so far all over again. Once we went in, she was very kind and gentle and avoided using any wording that made her say IVF is your only option. She went though all the photos with me again, John asked why my tubes can't be repaired and she answered. The whole time I was sitting there wondering why I hadn't started crying. Then, she delievered the news that made all the pain go away. IVF is only going to cost us $4100 instead of the $9000 we had originally thought. Wahoo!!!! $4100 is a number we can afford.... $9000, not so much. She gave us information booklets to read and a paper with the dates of the class we are required to attend before starting IVF. There was some concern that we wouldn't be able to start the IVF until I had my 3rd round of injections (for a totally different matter). This wait would put us back 6 months. I haven't had my cycle for this month which was likely disrupted by the surgery at the end of last month so she gave me a perscription to take in order to start.
Instead of just waiting for it, I'm going to take the medication because this will get our IVF process started. On the 5th day of my cycle, I have to go in for a special xray which will confirm the results of the surgery. After the xray, I will have a follow up appointment with Dr. S. Now, I'm not positive about what exactly is going to happen at this follow up appointment but i THINK that she will be giving me the perscriptions to start my medications and injections. After that I will have a nurse consaltation appointment which is when we are required to pay our fee. After this appointment we do the egg retrival and John's "donation", they will combine the two in a dish and let John's swimmers to their job. They watch the egss grow after fertilization, pick the best embryo and then will transfer it into my uterus a few days later. After the transfer, I will have to wait 2 weeks, then take a pregnancy test. This test will show us our future.
Okay, now that you know the IVF process, here is more good news we got. The $4100 we pay is for everything except medications. John wanted me to be positive that our insurance is willing to cover it so I called and had them check on it. I stopped into the office to see what they had found out before leaving base on Thursday and...... EVERYTHING is covered except the actual procedure..... which means.... We may not have to pay the full $4100!!! Even less money! Wahoo!!!!!
The insurance office just happens to be located inside the medical clinic, so before leaving, I was able to find out from one of the doctors that my set of injections will NOT interfere with the IFV!!! Yay!!!!
I have been in such a great mood ever since finding out. Friday and Saturday were both BEAUTIFUL days! I loved that the Yorkshire weather was finally matching my mood.... and in a GOOD way!!!
Sorry for all the exclamation marks but that just happens to be exactly how excited I am. I can't get over that in less than a month, I went from being at my lowest low ever to being so extremely high. I can't say my highest high because that hasn't happened yet.... it will happen the day I see a heartbeat inside my tummy on a little black and white screen. : )
A couple of weeks ago, I never would have thought saying that sentance above would have been possible. Things have been on a downward spiral ever since we moved to England. Things kept going wrong and then we were told that having children without the need of IVF was no longer an option. Mine and John's hearts both broke. I think we layed in the hospital bed together and cried for nearly an hour. I was furious with God. After leaving the hospital, I took a turn for the worst. Thoughts of death (not suicide.... I believe that's the single most selfish thing anyone could do) consumed me. I just wanted to die. I wanted God to take me from the world and end all my suffering. I couldn't take anymore negative things happening to me. I had two major break downs infront of John and I just knew he was thinking I should be locked in an institution.
Luckily, greatfully, I can finally say that things are looking up. Granted, they aren't working out the way I wanted them to but plans never do. God pushed me to my breaking point to show me exactly how strong I can be and now He is lifting me back up....
Wednesday, March 16th, we had an appointment with Dr. S. Before we went in, I sat in the waiting room preparing myself to hear the words that had brought me down so far all over again. Once we went in, she was very kind and gentle and avoided using any wording that made her say IVF is your only option. She went though all the photos with me again, John asked why my tubes can't be repaired and she answered. The whole time I was sitting there wondering why I hadn't started crying. Then, she delievered the news that made all the pain go away. IVF is only going to cost us $4100 instead of the $9000 we had originally thought. Wahoo!!!! $4100 is a number we can afford.... $9000, not so much. She gave us information booklets to read and a paper with the dates of the class we are required to attend before starting IVF. There was some concern that we wouldn't be able to start the IVF until I had my 3rd round of injections (for a totally different matter). This wait would put us back 6 months. I haven't had my cycle for this month which was likely disrupted by the surgery at the end of last month so she gave me a perscription to take in order to start.
Instead of just waiting for it, I'm going to take the medication because this will get our IVF process started. On the 5th day of my cycle, I have to go in for a special xray which will confirm the results of the surgery. After the xray, I will have a follow up appointment with Dr. S. Now, I'm not positive about what exactly is going to happen at this follow up appointment but i THINK that she will be giving me the perscriptions to start my medications and injections. After that I will have a nurse consaltation appointment which is when we are required to pay our fee. After this appointment we do the egg retrival and John's "donation", they will combine the two in a dish and let John's swimmers to their job. They watch the egss grow after fertilization, pick the best embryo and then will transfer it into my uterus a few days later. After the transfer, I will have to wait 2 weeks, then take a pregnancy test. This test will show us our future.
Okay, now that you know the IVF process, here is more good news we got. The $4100 we pay is for everything except medications. John wanted me to be positive that our insurance is willing to cover it so I called and had them check on it. I stopped into the office to see what they had found out before leaving base on Thursday and...... EVERYTHING is covered except the actual procedure..... which means.... We may not have to pay the full $4100!!! Even less money! Wahoo!!!!!
The insurance office just happens to be located inside the medical clinic, so before leaving, I was able to find out from one of the doctors that my set of injections will NOT interfere with the IFV!!! Yay!!!!
I have been in such a great mood ever since finding out. Friday and Saturday were both BEAUTIFUL days! I loved that the Yorkshire weather was finally matching my mood.... and in a GOOD way!!!
Sorry for all the exclamation marks but that just happens to be exactly how excited I am. I can't get over that in less than a month, I went from being at my lowest low ever to being so extremely high. I can't say my highest high because that hasn't happened yet.... it will happen the day I see a heartbeat inside my tummy on a little black and white screen. : )
Monday, 14 March 2011
The Great Pretender
I follow a PCOS support group on Facebook and someone had posted this fantastic poem on their wall. I wanted to share it with anyone else who suffers from infertility who may just happen to some day stumble upon my little blog.
Here it is:
Here it is:
The Great Pretender
Shopping around and having fun,
Little shoes and hats for the sun...
Wrapped in pink or baby blue,
...But none for me... All for you.
Tiny shoes, she'll be in style,
When I see them I give you a smile.
But it tears my heart in two...
Still none for me... all for you.
I rub your bellies when you come around,
Pretending all day that I'm not feeling down.
I'll never let you see the truth...
It hurts to know it's all for you.
I pray everyday up to Him,
"Please know I'm happy for them,
But there is no other lesson to learn.
When, dear God, will it be my turn?"
Shopping around and having fun,
Little shoes and hats for the sun...
Wrapped in pink or baby blue,
...But none for me... All for you.
Tiny shoes, she'll be in style,
When I see them I give you a smile.
But it tears my heart in two...
Still none for me... all for you.
I rub your bellies when you come around,
Pretending all day that I'm not feeling down.
I'll never let you see the truth...
It hurts to know it's all for you.
I pray everyday up to Him,
"Please know I'm happy for them,
But there is no other lesson to learn.
When, dear God, will it be my turn?"
Sunday, 13 March 2011
Should I or Shouldn't I?
Things have been pretty rough lately. I do believe my husband thinks I have lost my mind. I find myself choking back tears constantly. I've had two major break downs in front of John and I feel bad for him when he sees it because he literally has no clue what to do. I try to stay strong for him but sometimes it's just too much to handle. I've been getting better at holding it all in until the end of the day. Once I get in the shower I just let it all go..... Can't see the tears if my face is already wet, right? I'm usually a big fan of roller coasters but this is one that I wish I could jump off of.
Let me back up a minute and catch you up on some of the things that has happened since the surgery....
6 days after the surgery I went in to my GP and had a coloscopy done. My latest pap came back with abnormally shaped cells and they wanted to take a closer look. Being that I was still in shock from the news from the surgery, I wasn't really thinking about everything that was happening so I went in, they did the procedure and took a biopsy. It was after this (while they were still blotting up the blood) that I started thinking.... "Wait, what is it exactly that they are looking for?" So I asked... "Precancerous cells." I felt like someone kicked me in the gut. Not only was I stressed about how we were going to afford IVF but now I've got worrying about wether or not I'm going to end up with cervical cancer. I managed to get to my car before the sobbing began. Cried the whole way home. Once I pulled in the driveway I was able to suck it up and go upstairs. John took one look at me and I lost it. Cried to the point of gagging. I didn't want to throw up though so I started taking deep breaths to calm myself down. The whole time, John just stared at me with this worried look on his face like he knew I was going to pull a gun out at any minute and shoot myself. Even the dog was freaked out. I was finally able to pull myself together and tell him why I was crying but then the depression kicked in over drive. Oh, did I mention that this little break down happened on his birthday? Happy 28th Birthday John!! :(
A few days went by and we had done enough talking to figure out that we were going to wait until he got back from his deployment and use the extra money from that to do the IVF. This meant we would have to wait a year but whats one more year? Now I say this not trying to sound sarcastic. I read other blogs and I know there are a lot of women out there who have waited a lot longer than the 3 years this would have been for us so literally, one more year wouldn't kill me to wait.
Like the saying goes, "We make plans and God laughs."
After we got it all figured out on how we were going to pay for the IVF, we get the news that John is no longer deploying in September. Why? Because (1) they are only sending 2 people instead of three and (2) they want him to have enough time to get all this infertility stuff straightened out. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! (Excuse my language) Seriously? Please tell me this is all a joke! Where is Ashton Kutcher because this Punk is NOT funny?! The one thing we had to look forward to was this deployment because it meant we would get the extra money to pay for it and would mean we were that much closer to finally being able to have a family of our own. And now you're telling me that the one reason we WANT him to go is also the main reason for him not going?
Now we are in Limbo again. John and I can't figure out how we are going to pay for it now. He is in line to get the next deployment though (which means he would leave a year from now and that puts at a year a half of waiting) but the risks of waiting that long just don't make it seem worth it. If we wait until then, we risk (1) our doctor retiring or no longer taking patients, (2)having to start the whole process all over (3) PCSing before we have a successful IVF, (4) God forbid, something happening to John in the dessert, (5) our insurance deciding that they are no longer going to allow us to go to an off base doctor and (6) my referral WILL be closed by then and getting these military doctors to refer off base is like pulling teeth!
Ugh! I just dont know what to do!!!! We will have all of our debt paid off by September (cars included) but John and I both don't want to charge $9000 on a credit card, John also doens't want to take out a loan because if it doesnt work then we are stuck paying off a loan with absolutely nothing to show for it but another crack in our hearts.
But anyway, back to what this post is about.... Needless to say, after John told me about him getting knocked off this deployment, I had another break down in front of him. This time when I sucked up and stopped crying, he didn't ask me if I'm okay.... He told me I'm not okay. Told me to make an appointment with the doctors and get put on anti-depressants. Part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't. I've heard too many people telling me that they were on them and felt like zombies the whole time. I don't want that. But at the same time I don't want to keep crying in the shower everyday either. I also don't want to keep having students at work ask me why my eyes are puffy.
So now this is where I'm just stuck.... Should I? or Shouldn't I?
I have another appointment with Dr. S on the 16th. She is going to go over in more detail everything she found during my surgery. We are going to talk a lot about IVF, how much it is exactly and if they have payment plans. Maybe I'll ask her about the anti-depressants while I'm there.
Let me back up a minute and catch you up on some of the things that has happened since the surgery....
6 days after the surgery I went in to my GP and had a coloscopy done. My latest pap came back with abnormally shaped cells and they wanted to take a closer look. Being that I was still in shock from the news from the surgery, I wasn't really thinking about everything that was happening so I went in, they did the procedure and took a biopsy. It was after this (while they were still blotting up the blood) that I started thinking.... "Wait, what is it exactly that they are looking for?" So I asked... "Precancerous cells." I felt like someone kicked me in the gut. Not only was I stressed about how we were going to afford IVF but now I've got worrying about wether or not I'm going to end up with cervical cancer. I managed to get to my car before the sobbing began. Cried the whole way home. Once I pulled in the driveway I was able to suck it up and go upstairs. John took one look at me and I lost it. Cried to the point of gagging. I didn't want to throw up though so I started taking deep breaths to calm myself down. The whole time, John just stared at me with this worried look on his face like he knew I was going to pull a gun out at any minute and shoot myself. Even the dog was freaked out. I was finally able to pull myself together and tell him why I was crying but then the depression kicked in over drive. Oh, did I mention that this little break down happened on his birthday? Happy 28th Birthday John!! :(
A few days went by and we had done enough talking to figure out that we were going to wait until he got back from his deployment and use the extra money from that to do the IVF. This meant we would have to wait a year but whats one more year? Now I say this not trying to sound sarcastic. I read other blogs and I know there are a lot of women out there who have waited a lot longer than the 3 years this would have been for us so literally, one more year wouldn't kill me to wait.
Like the saying goes, "We make plans and God laughs."
After we got it all figured out on how we were going to pay for the IVF, we get the news that John is no longer deploying in September. Why? Because (1) they are only sending 2 people instead of three and (2) they want him to have enough time to get all this infertility stuff straightened out. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! (Excuse my language) Seriously? Please tell me this is all a joke! Where is Ashton Kutcher because this Punk is NOT funny?! The one thing we had to look forward to was this deployment because it meant we would get the extra money to pay for it and would mean we were that much closer to finally being able to have a family of our own. And now you're telling me that the one reason we WANT him to go is also the main reason for him not going?
Now we are in Limbo again. John and I can't figure out how we are going to pay for it now. He is in line to get the next deployment though (which means he would leave a year from now and that puts at a year a half of waiting) but the risks of waiting that long just don't make it seem worth it. If we wait until then, we risk (1) our doctor retiring or no longer taking patients, (2)having to start the whole process all over (3) PCSing before we have a successful IVF, (4) God forbid, something happening to John in the dessert, (5) our insurance deciding that they are no longer going to allow us to go to an off base doctor and (6) my referral WILL be closed by then and getting these military doctors to refer off base is like pulling teeth!
Ugh! I just dont know what to do!!!! We will have all of our debt paid off by September (cars included) but John and I both don't want to charge $9000 on a credit card, John also doens't want to take out a loan because if it doesnt work then we are stuck paying off a loan with absolutely nothing to show for it but another crack in our hearts.
But anyway, back to what this post is about.... Needless to say, after John told me about him getting knocked off this deployment, I had another break down in front of him. This time when I sucked up and stopped crying, he didn't ask me if I'm okay.... He told me I'm not okay. Told me to make an appointment with the doctors and get put on anti-depressants. Part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't. I've heard too many people telling me that they were on them and felt like zombies the whole time. I don't want that. But at the same time I don't want to keep crying in the shower everyday either. I also don't want to keep having students at work ask me why my eyes are puffy.
So now this is where I'm just stuck.... Should I? or Shouldn't I?
I have another appointment with Dr. S on the 16th. She is going to go over in more detail everything she found during my surgery. We are going to talk a lot about IVF, how much it is exactly and if they have payment plans. Maybe I'll ask her about the anti-depressants while I'm there.
Tuesday, 1 March 2011
Good Surgery - Bad Results
Friday was my surgery date. I went in for a laproscopy. Basically, this is an exploratory surgery. My doctor wanted to take a look around, make sure my tubes were open, check for endometriosis and if all that checked out good, she was going to do ovulation induction. Notice how I said she was?
After waking up from surgery and waiting around for what seemed like forever, she finally made her rounds into my room. She asked if it was okay to show me the pictures which I've always been okay with. Guess I'm just good at handling the sight of blood. She starts showing me the pictures and pointing out small little problems but saying, "That's not too bad, it's fixable." She showed probably 4 different pictures of "It's fixable"s and then flipped the page.
She pointed out my right Fallopian tube and showed me the opening and said "That's a good size opening" and then pointed to the next picture and said "This is where your left one should be." Yep, no opening for my left tube at all. Completely covered over. I instantly started thinking, "Okay, no big deal. My mom got pregnant with me with just one tube."
Next, she showed me the pictures of where she had inserted the dye into my right tube and told me that the dye never made it out through the other end. She then showed me a close up picture of where the dye had expanded my fallopian tube. Panic began to set in.
Then she showed me this big bulge. She pointed to the next picture and said this is your "Fimbriae". I had never heard of it before so I was like "Huh?" She showed me the other one and it looked just like the first one. She said, now this is where it gets tricky. "Both of these blobs are supposed to look like fingers sticking out. Because your's don't do that, there is no way I can repair your tubes since the semine won't be able to travel through the Fimbriae."
I was dumbfounded. My mouth dropped open and my eyes started welling up with tears. She placed her hand on my arm and apologized. I looked over at John who looked completely lost. I knew I had to say something using as little words as possible that would make him understand instantly. "So this means IVF is our only option?" The word "yes" rang in my ears. She apologized once again. Told us that we would discuss it further at my next follow up appointment and then left the room. I couldn't keep my tears in any longer. They instantly began running down my face. The nurse left the room then. I turned over, burried my face in my pillow and began to sob. John picked up my cell phone and called his supervisor (luckily his supervisor just happens to be a close friend) told him the news and then asked to take the rest of the night off so he could stay home with me. Before hanging up the phone, John's voice began to crack which made me cry even harder because I knew he was crying too. John climbed into the bed behind me and just held me for what seemed like hours.
I had and still have a million emotions running through me. Question after question ran through my head, "why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?" were the main two that I kept repeating.
I'm still angry. I'm still confused. Part of me feels like this is all just a bad dream and any minute I'm going to wake up from surgery and the outcome is going to be completely different. I know it isn't though. I just have to deal with the cards I was delt. This is my life and there is no way to change that. No matter how jealous I become, how angry, how many times I ask why and no matter how many times I beg God to make it easier, this is just part of my life and I'll have to deal with it one way or another.
Everyone says, "God won't give you anything you can't handle." Well I've got news for God, He's going to have to stop pushing because one more push and I'm going over the edge. I'm at my breaking point. I can't take anymore bad news. I can't live with knowing that not only my dreams are being crushed but so are my husbands. I don't understand why He would allow this to happen to two people who want kids more than anything else in this world. I may appear strong and I know that I am, but inside I'm cracking.
After waking up from surgery and waiting around for what seemed like forever, she finally made her rounds into my room. She asked if it was okay to show me the pictures which I've always been okay with. Guess I'm just good at handling the sight of blood. She starts showing me the pictures and pointing out small little problems but saying, "That's not too bad, it's fixable." She showed probably 4 different pictures of "It's fixable"s and then flipped the page.
She pointed out my right Fallopian tube and showed me the opening and said "That's a good size opening" and then pointed to the next picture and said "This is where your left one should be." Yep, no opening for my left tube at all. Completely covered over. I instantly started thinking, "Okay, no big deal. My mom got pregnant with me with just one tube."
Next, she showed me the pictures of where she had inserted the dye into my right tube and told me that the dye never made it out through the other end. She then showed me a close up picture of where the dye had expanded my fallopian tube. Panic began to set in.
Then she showed me this big bulge. She pointed to the next picture and said this is your "Fimbriae". I had never heard of it before so I was like "Huh?" She showed me the other one and it looked just like the first one. She said, now this is where it gets tricky. "Both of these blobs are supposed to look like fingers sticking out. Because your's don't do that, there is no way I can repair your tubes since the semine won't be able to travel through the Fimbriae."
I was dumbfounded. My mouth dropped open and my eyes started welling up with tears. She placed her hand on my arm and apologized. I looked over at John who looked completely lost. I knew I had to say something using as little words as possible that would make him understand instantly. "So this means IVF is our only option?" The word "yes" rang in my ears. She apologized once again. Told us that we would discuss it further at my next follow up appointment and then left the room. I couldn't keep my tears in any longer. They instantly began running down my face. The nurse left the room then. I turned over, burried my face in my pillow and began to sob. John picked up my cell phone and called his supervisor (luckily his supervisor just happens to be a close friend) told him the news and then asked to take the rest of the night off so he could stay home with me. Before hanging up the phone, John's voice began to crack which made me cry even harder because I knew he was crying too. John climbed into the bed behind me and just held me for what seemed like hours.
I had and still have a million emotions running through me. Question after question ran through my head, "why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?" were the main two that I kept repeating.
I'm still angry. I'm still confused. Part of me feels like this is all just a bad dream and any minute I'm going to wake up from surgery and the outcome is going to be completely different. I know it isn't though. I just have to deal with the cards I was delt. This is my life and there is no way to change that. No matter how jealous I become, how angry, how many times I ask why and no matter how many times I beg God to make it easier, this is just part of my life and I'll have to deal with it one way or another.
Everyone says, "God won't give you anything you can't handle." Well I've got news for God, He's going to have to stop pushing because one more push and I'm going over the edge. I'm at my breaking point. I can't take anymore bad news. I can't live with knowing that not only my dreams are being crushed but so are my husbands. I don't understand why He would allow this to happen to two people who want kids more than anything else in this world. I may appear strong and I know that I am, but inside I'm cracking.
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