It seems as though my emotional roller coaster is taking me through yet another dip. I was doing a lot better. The news about the IVF costing the full $4100 dropped my "happiness" a little but I was still relatively happy.
Today, something changed. I'm on that downward slope once again. I guess this drop took place as I was talking to my grandparents. We started talking about the infertility mess that is my life and suddenly it took a shift. They asked about a friend of mine. This friend just happens to be beautifully pregnant with her 4th child. She got married 2 months after me and is on beautiful, healthy, baby # 4. I love her to death and I'm extremely happy for her but part of me aches inside. I'm jealous. I would give anything to have what she has: fertility.
I was getting past the "seeing babies everywhere" phase and now suddenly they are all back. Everyone on facebook is posting pictures of sonograms, new born additions, nursery photos.... and here I sit, avoiding the closet that holds the crib, asking John to do the laundry just so I don't have to step foot in the garage where the box with the bassinet sits, trying my hardest to keep a smile on my face when I look at newborn clothes for my sister-in-law.
Work is getting harder as well. I had 3 students tell me they love me yesterday. Took every ounce of me not to cry at the thought of longing for those words to come out of my own child's mouth.
I'm supposed to be doing better.... and I was. I'm just ready for this roller coaster to stop so I can get off. Better yet, I'm ready to leave the theme park.
No comments:
Post a Comment