Another Negative

So yesterday I went to our clinic on base and picked up my prescription for a medication that is going to induce my cycle. Before being allowed to take the medication though, I had to have a pregnancy test done since I haven't had a period since early February. I'm not surprised by this. I was supposed to get my next cycle the week after my surgery but I figured my body was just skipping it this month due to the interruptions within my body.

I went to the lab tech and due to them having some work done on the ladies bathroom at that exact moment, he decided to do a blood draw for the pregnancy test. He told me it would take 30 minutes to get the results. I didn't really have anywhere I had to be so I approved and went to wait in the lobby.

I sat there on my iPhone trying to pass the time. Then, I made the tragic mistake of beginning to think about the pregnancy test. I know it's going to be negative so what's the point? The longer I sit there, the more antsy I became. I don't know why I do this to myself. I started daydreaming about the day that I will be able to tell my parents that I'm pregnant. I want it to be done in a special way. Not just pick up the phone and yell "Mom, I'm pregnant!" Nope, I want to do something more fun. So, there I sit daydreaming away with a sappy smile on my face when suddenly I hear my favorite nurse, Samantha (She is my favorite bc she also happens to be named after a Bewitched character) call my name. I jolt back into reality, stand up and walk toward her. She takes me into one of the offices and tells me "I don't know if this is good news or bad..." then she says it..... "It's negative." I guess my facial expression gave it away because she instantly started rubbing my arm and told me she's sorry. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I get my hopes up when I already know the outcome? Why do I get upset?

Why? Why? Why?..... I found this book at our library called Unsung Lullabies. It's supposed to help women with infertility cope. It's supposed to help us understand what's happening. I checked it out but have yet to read it. Every time I look at it I think to myself "I don't want to cope... I just want my baby." That's all I want. Just a baby. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong for me to want to make a new life? To raise a child and have him or her call me Mommy? Is it so wrong for me to want to be able to dust off a scraped knee and kiss it to make it feel better? Is it wrong? IS IT?!?!

Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel numb a lot of times. Like I'm just sitting here waiting for my life to actually begin. I go blank a lot. It's like I just randomly check out. I have no clue what's going on around me during these blank moments. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm just so tired all the time. I go to bed early but it's like sleep evades me. I never use to dream until all this infertility crap happened. Now all I dream about is seeing twins in the distance and I'm running for them but I can never catch them. I look at John once I stop running and see nothing but disappointment in his eyes.  Hell, sometimes I see that in reality. Or at least I think I am.... That brings me back to me feeling like I'm losing my mind. Am I delusional?

I know I created this blog to get answers and to help other people but this post and especially the last one are only meant for me. These are my only way of venting without seeing people shut down or lose interest in what I'm saying. This is the only place I can vent without having someone try to stop me from telling my story or having to hear someone tell me I need help. I know what I need and help isn't it.... I need support! Unconditional, unbiased support......

I also could use a hug. : (