Good Surgery - Bad Results

Friday was my surgery date. I went in for a laproscopy. Basically, this is an exploratory surgery. My doctor wanted to take a look around, make sure my tubes were open, check for endometriosis and if all that checked out good, she was going to do ovulation induction. Notice how I said she was?


After waking up from surgery and waiting around for what seemed like forever, she finally made her rounds into my room. She asked if it was okay to show me the pictures which I've always been okay with. Guess I'm just good at handling the sight of blood. She starts showing me the pictures and pointing out small little problems but saying, "That's not too bad, it's fixable." She showed probably 4 different pictures of "It's fixable"s and then flipped the page.


She pointed out my right Fallopian tube and showed me the opening and said "That's a good size opening" and then pointed to the next picture and said "This is where your left one should be." Yep, no opening for my left tube at all. Completely covered over. I instantly started thinking, "Okay, no big deal. My mom got pregnant with me with just one tube."


Next, she showed me the pictures of where she had inserted the dye into my right tube and told me that the dye never made it out through the other end. She then showed me a close up picture of where the dye had expanded my fallopian tube. Panic began to set in.


Then she showed me this big bulge. She pointed to the next picture and said this is your "Fimbriae". I had never heard of it before so I was like "Huh?" She showed me the other one and it looked just like the first one. She said, now this is where it gets tricky. "Both of these blobs are supposed to look like fingers sticking out. Because your's don't do that, there is no way I can repair your tubes since the semine won't be able to travel through the Fimbriae."


I was dumbfounded. My mouth dropped open and my eyes started welling up with tears. She placed her hand on my arm and apologized. I looked over at John who looked completely lost. I knew I had to say something using as little words as possible that would make him understand instantly. "So this means IVF is our only option?" The word "yes" rang in my ears. She apologized once again. Told us that we would discuss it further at my next follow up appointment and then left the room. I couldn't keep my tears in any longer. They instantly began running down my face. The nurse left the room then. I turned over, burried my face in my pillow and began to sob. John picked up my cell phone and called his supervisor (luckily his supervisor just happens to be a close friend) told him the news and then asked to take the rest of the night off so he could stay home with me. Before hanging up the phone, John's voice began to crack which made me cry even harder because I knew he was crying too. John climbed into the bed behind me and just held me for what seemed like hours.


I had and still have a million emotions running through me. Question after question ran through my head, "why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?" were the main two that I kept repeating.


I'm still angry. I'm still confused. Part of me feels like this is all just a bad dream and any minute I'm going to wake up from surgery and the outcome is going to be completely different. I know it isn't though. I just have to deal with the cards I was delt. This is my life and there is no way to change that. No matter how jealous I become, how angry, how many times I ask why and no matter how many times I beg God to make it easier, this is just part of my life and I'll have to deal with it one way or another.


Everyone says, "God won't give you anything you can't handle." Well I've got news for God, He's going to have to stop pushing because one more push and I'm going over the edge. I'm at my breaking point. I can't take anymore bad news. I can't live with knowing that not only my dreams are being crushed but so are my husbands. I don't understand why He would allow this to happen to two people who want kids more than anything else in this world. I may appear strong and I know that I am, but inside I'm cracking.