Should I or Shouldn't I?

Things have been pretty rough lately. I do believe my husband thinks I have lost my mind. I find myself choking back tears constantly. I've had two major break downs in front of John and I feel bad for him when he sees it because he literally has no clue what to do. I try to stay strong for him but sometimes it's just too much to handle. I've been getting better at holding it all in until the end of the day. Once I get in the shower I just let it all go..... Can't see the tears if my face is already wet, right? I'm usually a big fan of roller coasters but this is one that I wish I could jump off of.


Let me back up a minute and catch you up on some of the things that has happened since the surgery....


6 days after the surgery I went in to my GP and had a coloscopy done. My latest pap came back with abnormally shaped cells and they wanted to take a closer look. Being that I was still in shock from the news from the surgery, I wasn't really thinking about everything that was happening so I went in, they did the procedure and took a biopsy. It was after this (while they were still blotting up the blood) that I started thinking.... "Wait, what is it exactly that they are looking for?" So I asked... "Precancerous cells." I felt like someone kicked me in the gut. Not only was I stressed about how we were going to afford IVF but now I've got worrying about wether or not I'm going to end up with cervical cancer. I managed to get to my car before the sobbing began. Cried the whole way home. Once I pulled in the driveway I was able to suck it up and go upstairs. John took one look at me and I lost it. Cried to the point of gagging. I didn't want to throw up though so I started taking deep breaths to calm myself down. The whole time, John just stared at me with this worried look on his face like he knew I was going to pull a gun out at any minute and shoot myself. Even the dog was freaked out.  I was finally able to pull myself together and tell him why I was crying but then the depression kicked in over drive. Oh, did I mention that this little break down happened on his birthday? Happy 28th Birthday John!! :(


A few days went by and we had done enough talking to figure out that we were going to wait until he got back from his deployment and use the extra money from that to do the IVF. This meant we would have to wait a year but whats one more year? Now I say this not trying to sound sarcastic. I read other blogs and I know there are a lot of women out there who have waited a lot longer than the 3 years this would have been for us so literally, one more year wouldn't kill me to wait.


Like the saying goes, "We make plans and God laughs."


After we got it all figured out on how we were going to pay for the IVF, we get the news that John is no longer deploying in September. Why? Because (1) they are only sending 2 people instead of three and (2) they want him to have enough time to get all this infertility stuff straightened out. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! (Excuse my language) Seriously? Please tell me this is all a joke! Where is Ashton Kutcher because this Punk is NOT funny?! The one thing we had to look forward to was this deployment because it meant we would get the extra money to pay for it and would mean we were that much closer to finally being able to have a family of our own. And now you're telling me that the one reason we WANT him to go is also the main reason for him not going?

Now we are in Limbo again. John and I can't figure out how we are going to pay for it now. He is in line to get the next deployment though (which means he would leave a year from now and that puts at a year a half of waiting) but the risks of waiting that long just don't make it seem worth it. If we wait until then, we risk (1) our doctor retiring or no longer taking patients, (2)having to start the whole process all over (3) PCSing before we have a successful IVF, (4) God forbid, something happening to John in the dessert, (5) our insurance deciding that they are no longer going to allow us to go to an off base doctor and (6) my referral WILL be closed by then and getting these military doctors to refer off base is like pulling teeth!


Ugh! I just dont know what to do!!!! We will have all of our debt paid off by September (cars included) but John and I both don't want to charge $9000 on a credit card, John also doens't want to take out a loan because if it doesnt work then we are stuck paying off a loan with absolutely nothing to show for it but another crack in our hearts.


But anyway, back to what this post is about.... Needless to say, after John told me about him getting knocked off this deployment, I had another break down in front of him. This time when I sucked up and stopped crying, he didn't ask me if I'm okay.... He told me I'm not okay. Told me to make an appointment with the doctors and get put on anti-depressants. Part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't. I've heard too many people telling me that they were on them and felt like zombies the whole time. I don't want that. But at the same time I don't want to keep crying in the shower everyday either. I also don't want to keep having students at work ask me why my eyes are puffy.


So now this is where I'm just stuck.... Should I? or Shouldn't I?


I have another appointment with Dr. S on the 16th. She is going to go over in more detail everything she found during my surgery. We are going to talk a lot about IVF, how much it is exactly and if they have payment plans. Maybe I'll ask her about the anti-depressants while I'm there.