Clomid Failed

Nothing happened with my beautiful 15mm follicle. After my appointment I tested daily for 5 days looking for an LH serge. It never came. I called my doctor and asked her what I should do and she told me to come back in for another ultrasound to see if it was still there. It wasn't. Once again I have gotten my hopes up just to be let down. Just to make sure she had me come in for blood work last Monday to see if maybe I had ovulated and the tests just didn't pick it up. But once again, the test was negative. I was so hopeful that Clomid was going to be our answer to our prayers. Now I'm having to switch to daily injections that I will have to stab myself with in the stomach. The worst part about that is, not the stabbing myself, I think I can handle that. After all, I do watch as they insert the needles into my arm everytime I have blood drawn or need an IV. Nope, the worst part is the fact that I have to lose 17 pounds before we can start the new medication. Another down fall to this is the fact that my future child will not be conceived naturally. We are having to move onto IUI.

It's Not Fair!!!! Life isn't fair. This simple statement means that I get to continue watching my husband play with all of my friends kids. This means I get to continue beating myself up while other women pee on a stick and say "OOPS! I'm pregnant." This means I get to continue yearning for JUST ONE! while other women say "Oh shit, baby #3 is on the way!" To make matters worse, my little timer on my blog just reminded me that in 4 days, John and I have been trying to start our family for 2 and a half years. I thought it could possibly take a year... now we have doubled that time and then some.

My depression is starting up again. I was perfectly fine until Thursday afternoon. I had accepted my new fate and was going on with my life until I was at lunch with all the ladies of the Sped department at my school. We were talking and having a great time and one of them brought up that our "Sped Head" as well call her is adopted. She started telling us her story and then one of them asked why her adopted mother never had children of her own. "Because she couldn't." The hardest part about that was not having the ability to relate to her mother but because there were only 2 people at that table that knew what I'm going through and they both looked over at me at the same time she said it. I have no idea how I was able to keep the tears from flooding out. They did well up in my eyes and luckily I was sitting at the end of the table so I was able to look away from everyone and compose myself.

Anyway, I need to change the subject slightly... The following was posted on facebook by a fellow cyster:

Infertility is...

Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
(I had to experience this last night... here's proof...)

Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.
(I politely asked the nurse this very question on Monday)

Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".
(I'm terrified about flying home because of this)

Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
(All the time)

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
(I live on a small base.... everyone is pregnant or already has kids... except for the 2 others on base that can't just like me)

Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".
(I think I have heard this about a million times. Yeah, I don't have kids but I freaking want them more than anyone else on this planet!!!!)

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
(Every single night)

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
(Every day.... Don't they look like they are ready to be grandparents?)

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?
(All the time.... and for the record, I think adoption can be even more difficult that not being able to have kids. At least when you can't have kids, you know you can't have kids whereas with adoption you can think you're getting a kid and then have it taken away in a split second.)

Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.
(I'm not going to lie, I get very uncomfortable around babies now. I never use to be like that. Now, as soon as I see a stroller being pushed into a room, it makes me want to run out screaming and crying.)

The writing in blue is from me and how I experience those quotes. The person who wrote this is wanting more quotes so please feel free to comment on this blog and I will be more than happy to pass them along. That's all I have for today. I probably won't be posting again for a little over a month so please be patient.

Am I Weird?

This is a question I have been asking myself all day. I keep stealing glances of my ultrasound picture of my 15mm follicle (that is more than likely already 16mm by now if not bigger). When I get the chance, I stare at this picture for long periods of time and just smile.

This could be the beginning of many more heartbreaks though. I really don't want to get my hopes up, especially since I know the likelihood of it failing. But, where would I be without hope?

Without hope I wouldn't even be looking at this picture. Am I stupid to be staring at it in the first place? Everytime I look at it I feel like I've already won my battle but the war is just beginning. This is my first successful round of Clomid out of 5! What if John's "olympic swimmers" don't make it to the egg? What if they do and I have a miscarriage? These are the types of questions that had me crying this morning.

I want to be pregnant so bad but at the same time I'm terrified of what could happen once I become pregnant. My mom lost her first child with an ectopic pregnancy. My cousin had 2 miscarriages before she got pregnant with her second child. I have been through so much in the past couple of years that I honestly feel like if I were to get pregnant and something go wrong.... I really don't know if I could handle it. God has really tested me in this year alone and it's just the beginning of the 6th month! I went from thinking that everything was going to be perfect and that we were going to be pregnant in no time AND that my husband was at the bottom of the deployment list. Then to believing that there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to get pregnant without IVF (something we really couldn't afford at the time) because both of my fallopian tubes were blocked. I had a major breakdown on my husband's birthday. All I wanted to do was die because at least then he could find a woman that could produce him as many children as he wanted. AND to finding out that my husband was going to deploy in 6 months. Then I was picked back up again when I was told both of my tubes are infact open and we could begin Clomid again immediately AND my husband isn't deploying for another year!

Why can't I stop thinking about the what-if's? And why can't I stop looking at a picture that is bringing me so much joy and it doesn't even have a heartbeat yet? Am I weird?

John's Favorite Words

Today was a great day. It has been absolutely beautiful in England the past 2 days. It actually got above 70 degrees yesterday and today and the sun has been shining with hardly any clouds in the sky.

Anyway, back to what this post is really about. I went in for my appointment today and was fortunate enough that John was able to go with me. The u/s tech confirmed that I only had one follicle in my right ovary but it had grown even more from 11.5 mm to 15 mm! Yay! I asked how big a follicle needs to get before a successful ovulation can happen and he told me 16 mm. He told me I didn't need to come back next week and to go ahead and start testing for ovulation. After I have a spike, I need to make an appointment for a week later. Then John got to hear what he has been waiting to hear all year... "You need to start having regular intercourse." The look on his face said it all.

Here's a look at my follicle...

Now all of John's fun begins and my prayers for a successful pregnancy become even more frequent.


Please God PLEASE let this work!!!

Round 2, Emma & Memorial Day

Well here we go again with round 2 of Clomid.

My last cycle didn't go well at all. I as posted previously, my 2 little 8mm follicles didn't make it and then no more were spotted. I never did ovulate which kinda has me concerned.

I went in on cycle day 10 and they instantly found a 10mm follicle in my right ovary. Interesting considering that the 2, 8mm beans were in that same ovary last month. Oh well. Now I'm just hoping any praying that the nurse sees the same follicle at my appointment tomorrow and hopefully this time it has grown. This is my absoulte last chance at being able to get pregnant before flying home. I really, really, really, REALLY want to be able to tell my family in person that I'm pregnant. If this cycle doesn't work then we will have to skip a cycle before we can do our last cycle of Clomid.

I'm so tired of waiting for things to happen for us. It seems like a never ending cycle.... hurry up and wait. : ( I'm trying really hard to stay positive though. I just keep thinking about this new follicle growing inside of me. Praying that it's growing inside of me. Maybe if I think hard enough about it then it'll actually happen.

I'm going to switch gears a little bit. I've been having a new dream lately. John and I are currently living overseas and we couldn't afford to bring both of our dogs with us so we decided to leave our schnauzer Emma with my parents. She is a handful but I love her so much. She is just too stinking cute even though she is a little bitch. She is very high matinence and demands attention. My husband really can't stand her because she is mouthy and can be quite expensive at times. Yes, I am one of those people that put my dog in dresses. I draw the line at the doggy stroller though. She does have 4 feet therefore she will walk.... or I'll hold her. LOL! Anyway, I've been missing my little Emma like crazy lately. I'll call my parents and hear her barking in the background and I instantly melt into a puddle.
This is Emma...

Anyway, so I've been dreaming lately that when I fly home she doesn't know who I am anymore and refuses to have anything to do with me. : ( I love my little baby girl and I absoultely HATE that I had to leave her behind. Until I fly home next month though, I just have to hope and pray that she remembers me and will be happy to see me.
The last thing before I go, I want to say Happy Memorial Day to everyone. I am a very proud Air Force Wife and I love my husband sooo much. The friends I have made through the military are unbelievable. When you are living overseas, your friends become your family so to my Family, I love you all and I'm so proud of each and every one of you. Thank you for keeping us safe and protecting our freedom. Without our US Military, our world would be completely different.

2+2 = 2+0

So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted anything. Turns out that my 2 little beans didn't make it. In fact, the nurse shouldn't have even told me about them since they were smaller than 10mm. : ( I tried to be confident the rest of the cycle that at some point at least one good sized one would appear. I had reason to hope since the lining of my uterus kept increasing. I was pretty disappointed when I started my period the morning of my next appointment. Here we are again with yet another failed cycle. John kept apologizing and telling me he is sorry which just breaks my heart even more because I feel like I'm letting him down..... again.

To completely swtich gears, I want to comment that I feel like God communicates with me through music. Getting in my car to drive to work that morning seemed nearly impossible but I pushed myself through it. Once I got in the car I hooked up my iPhone to my stero and selected it to play random songs. The song that started blaring through the speakers could be my theme song....

http://youtu.be/LBTCaGU5_1c

I am so in love with this song. I know it was written about a boy and a break up but to me it's all about my struggle with infertility. I sang it in my head all day at work, played it on repeat the whole way to and from work today and sang it in the shower. I feel like this song really gives me the boost I need to keep pushing forward. Yeah, this cycle failed.... I still have one more cycle before I leave to go home for a month and I want to start this new cycle with a more positive outlook. The last cycle didn't work so that must mean that the next one is going to be better. I start ovulation tracking again on the 27th. Be praying that this time we get some mature follicles. : )

Also before I go.... I really hope you enjoyed this song as much as I do. Here is one more fantastic motivational song that I love....

http://youtu.be/Vyi-eEY2g-U
: )

Mother's Day & Breakdowns

Today is Mother's Day. A day that I love....... to hate.

I woke up this morning from a dream that, like in reality, it is Mother's Day. But in my dream, it wasn't one of having a child and waking up to getting gifts, hugs and Eskimo kisses from a little bundle of joy. Nope, in this dream I was still infertile. But, in this dream my husband did something very, very sweet. (I know it was a dream bc John just isn't the mushy romantic type) I dreamt that he came home from work with a giant bouquet of flowers with the sweetest card that read "To the mother of my unborn child. Happy Mother's Day. I love you." I was able to hold all my tears in until after John left for work.

I feel like I've been crying all morning.  I posted a big "Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and Mommy-to-be's" on Facebook. The single reply I got from a very close friend was enough to make me cry all over again. She replied with "And to those who are mommy's to angles still being perfected in heaven, waiting for just the right time to grace us with their presence!" Such a sweet comment to hear on a day that all of us infertiles wish we could just skip. Thank you so much A for sending me that. I really, really appreciate it.

To bring me to the big breakdown.... I don't know why on earth I even watch this show but nevertheless, I was watching Pregnant in Heels. I thought I would hate the show when I saw the first episode but I think the fact that Rosie is also infertile has kept me connected. Anyhow, I got to the scene in the bridezilla episode where she gets a phone call from her doctor who tells her that they just don't know for sure if the IVF had worked or not. Her comment is "Now I just have to wait another 2 weeks. I hate waiting." Rosie, I can honestly say.... I hate waiting too.

Praying 2+2=4

This Wednesday I started ovulation tracking with my wonderful doctor. I was given Provera to start my cycle and the day I went to pick up the perscription, I started on my own. That was weird considering I had just finished my period 8 days prior to that. I thought oh well and started taking my Clomid the next day. Wednesday, like I said earlier, I went in to have an ultrasound to see if there are any follicles developing. I was pretty let down when there were none but the technician said that she could see where I had ovulated from my left ovary during my last cycle. I thought that was weird too considering the fact that I don't ovulate without help and at that point I wasn't on Clomid. Hmmm... okay whatever. So I was told to go back in today (Saturday) and check again. This time we saw two follicles in my right ovary and one in my left. Ironically, the same dark spot that the last tech claimed was proof I had ovulated from my left ovary on my last cycle, was infact not proof of that at all but instead the follicle forming for this cycle. After getting dressed, I went and sat down and the new tech told me that yes, I do infact have 3 follicles. The one in the left ovary is extremely small and the 2 in my right ovary are measuring at about 8 mm. She said that these two have a great chance at growing some more and she is hopeful that they will be about 11 mm at my next appointment on Wednesday the 11th. She also informed me that the lining of my cervix has thickened which is a great indication that I am about to ovulate. She told me to start my ovulation kits on Monday. I didn't get any pictures of my two little follicles but I'm going to be determined to get them on Wednesday, if they are still growing. Also on that day, should they be the correct size, I'll be going in for more bloodwork (the same bloodwork I just had done on Monday) which will measure for certain hormones that will indicate whether or not these two little beans are harboring eggs. In the meantime, I'm sitting here staring at my belly, placing my hand on it and praying to God that these follicles mature. I know if all goes well, and they do grow and John's swimmers are able to fertilize both of them that my doctor will want to turn this cycle into IVF. I'm definitely not down for that. I would love to have twins.

So now, I just wait.... and pray.... and wait.... and pray some more that God will grant our wish to become parents and to even hopefully become parents to a beautiful set of twins. However, if this is not His plan, I will happily accept just one. : )