Clomid Failed

Nothing happened with my beautiful 15mm follicle. After my appointment I tested daily for 5 days looking for an LH serge. It never came. I called my doctor and asked her what I should do and she told me to come back in for another ultrasound to see if it was still there. It wasn't. Once again I have gotten my hopes up just to be let down. Just to make sure she had me come in for blood work last Monday to see if maybe I had ovulated and the tests just didn't pick it up. But once again, the test was negative. I was so hopeful that Clomid was going to be our answer to our prayers. Now I'm having to switch to daily injections that I will have to stab myself with in the stomach. The worst part about that is, not the stabbing myself, I think I can handle that. After all, I do watch as they insert the needles into my arm everytime I have blood drawn or need an IV. Nope, the worst part is the fact that I have to lose 17 pounds before we can start the new medication. Another down fall to this is the fact that my future child will not be conceived naturally. We are having to move onto IUI.

It's Not Fair!!!! Life isn't fair. This simple statement means that I get to continue watching my husband play with all of my friends kids. This means I get to continue beating myself up while other women pee on a stick and say "OOPS! I'm pregnant." This means I get to continue yearning for JUST ONE! while other women say "Oh shit, baby #3 is on the way!" To make matters worse, my little timer on my blog just reminded me that in 4 days, John and I have been trying to start our family for 2 and a half years. I thought it could possibly take a year... now we have doubled that time and then some.

My depression is starting up again. I was perfectly fine until Thursday afternoon. I had accepted my new fate and was going on with my life until I was at lunch with all the ladies of the Sped department at my school. We were talking and having a great time and one of them brought up that our "Sped Head" as well call her is adopted. She started telling us her story and then one of them asked why her adopted mother never had children of her own. "Because she couldn't." The hardest part about that was not having the ability to relate to her mother but because there were only 2 people at that table that knew what I'm going through and they both looked over at me at the same time she said it. I have no idea how I was able to keep the tears from flooding out. They did well up in my eyes and luckily I was sitting at the end of the table so I was able to look away from everyone and compose myself.

Anyway, I need to change the subject slightly... The following was posted on facebook by a fellow cyster:

Infertility is...

Watching your husband playing with your friend's baby and wishing you could give him one of his own.
(I had to experience this last night... here's proof...)

Telling nurses to please take blood from your right arm because the veins in your left arm are all gone because of all the IVs you've had.
(I politely asked the nurse this very question on Monday)

Avoiding people you haven't seen for a long time because you don't want to hear the question, "Do you have any kids yet?".
(I'm terrified about flying home because of this)

Feeling very left out when your friends start comparing their pregnancy or childbirth experiences.
(All the time)

Feeling like the whole town is pregnant except for you.
(I live on a small base.... everyone is pregnant or already has kids... except for the 2 others on base that can't just like me)

Getting tired of people always expecting you to do things because "you don't have any kids to worry about".
(I think I have heard this about a million times. Yeah, I don't have kids but I freaking want them more than anyone else on this planet!!!!)

Waking up in the middle of the night and wishing you could hear your baby crying.
(Every single night)

Wishing you could give your parents grandchildren.
(Every day.... Don't they look like they are ready to be grandparents?)

Wanting to fall apart if one other person says, "Why don't you adopt?" Easy, right?
(All the time.... and for the record, I think adoption can be even more difficult that not being able to have kids. At least when you can't have kids, you know you can't have kids whereas with adoption you can think you're getting a kid and then have it taken away in a split second.)

Sometimes avoiding friends who are pregnant or with newborns because you just can't handle the situation at that moment.
(I'm not going to lie, I get very uncomfortable around babies now. I never use to be like that. Now, as soon as I see a stroller being pushed into a room, it makes me want to run out screaming and crying.)

The writing in blue is from me and how I experience those quotes. The person who wrote this is wanting more quotes so please feel free to comment on this blog and I will be more than happy to pass them along. That's all I have for today. I probably won't be posting again for a little over a month so please be patient.

Am I Weird?

This is a question I have been asking myself all day. I keep stealing glances of my ultrasound picture of my 15mm follicle (that is more than likely already 16mm by now if not bigger). When I get the chance, I stare at this picture for long periods of time and just smile.

This could be the beginning of many more heartbreaks though. I really don't want to get my hopes up, especially since I know the likelihood of it failing. But, where would I be without hope?

Without hope I wouldn't even be looking at this picture. Am I stupid to be staring at it in the first place? Everytime I look at it I feel like I've already won my battle but the war is just beginning. This is my first successful round of Clomid out of 5! What if John's "olympic swimmers" don't make it to the egg? What if they do and I have a miscarriage? These are the types of questions that had me crying this morning.

I want to be pregnant so bad but at the same time I'm terrified of what could happen once I become pregnant. My mom lost her first child with an ectopic pregnancy. My cousin had 2 miscarriages before she got pregnant with her second child. I have been through so much in the past couple of years that I honestly feel like if I were to get pregnant and something go wrong.... I really don't know if I could handle it. God has really tested me in this year alone and it's just the beginning of the 6th month! I went from thinking that everything was going to be perfect and that we were going to be pregnant in no time AND that my husband was at the bottom of the deployment list. Then to believing that there was absolutely no way I was going to be able to get pregnant without IVF (something we really couldn't afford at the time) because both of my fallopian tubes were blocked. I had a major breakdown on my husband's birthday. All I wanted to do was die because at least then he could find a woman that could produce him as many children as he wanted. AND to finding out that my husband was going to deploy in 6 months. Then I was picked back up again when I was told both of my tubes are infact open and we could begin Clomid again immediately AND my husband isn't deploying for another year!

Why can't I stop thinking about the what-if's? And why can't I stop looking at a picture that is bringing me so much joy and it doesn't even have a heartbeat yet? Am I weird?

John's Favorite Words

Today was a great day. It has been absolutely beautiful in England the past 2 days. It actually got above 70 degrees yesterday and today and the sun has been shining with hardly any clouds in the sky.

Anyway, back to what this post is really about. I went in for my appointment today and was fortunate enough that John was able to go with me. The u/s tech confirmed that I only had one follicle in my right ovary but it had grown even more from 11.5 mm to 15 mm! Yay! I asked how big a follicle needs to get before a successful ovulation can happen and he told me 16 mm. He told me I didn't need to come back next week and to go ahead and start testing for ovulation. After I have a spike, I need to make an appointment for a week later. Then John got to hear what he has been waiting to hear all year... "You need to start having regular intercourse." The look on his face said it all.

Here's a look at my follicle...

Now all of John's fun begins and my prayers for a successful pregnancy become even more frequent.


Please God PLEASE let this work!!!

Round 2, Emma & Memorial Day

Well here we go again with round 2 of Clomid.

My last cycle didn't go well at all. I as posted previously, my 2 little 8mm follicles didn't make it and then no more were spotted. I never did ovulate which kinda has me concerned.

I went in on cycle day 10 and they instantly found a 10mm follicle in my right ovary. Interesting considering that the 2, 8mm beans were in that same ovary last month. Oh well. Now I'm just hoping any praying that the nurse sees the same follicle at my appointment tomorrow and hopefully this time it has grown. This is my absoulte last chance at being able to get pregnant before flying home. I really, really, really, REALLY want to be able to tell my family in person that I'm pregnant. If this cycle doesn't work then we will have to skip a cycle before we can do our last cycle of Clomid.

I'm so tired of waiting for things to happen for us. It seems like a never ending cycle.... hurry up and wait. : ( I'm trying really hard to stay positive though. I just keep thinking about this new follicle growing inside of me. Praying that it's growing inside of me. Maybe if I think hard enough about it then it'll actually happen.

I'm going to switch gears a little bit. I've been having a new dream lately. John and I are currently living overseas and we couldn't afford to bring both of our dogs with us so we decided to leave our schnauzer Emma with my parents. She is a handful but I love her so much. She is just too stinking cute even though she is a little bitch. She is very high matinence and demands attention. My husband really can't stand her because she is mouthy and can be quite expensive at times. Yes, I am one of those people that put my dog in dresses. I draw the line at the doggy stroller though. She does have 4 feet therefore she will walk.... or I'll hold her. LOL! Anyway, I've been missing my little Emma like crazy lately. I'll call my parents and hear her barking in the background and I instantly melt into a puddle.
This is Emma...

Anyway, so I've been dreaming lately that when I fly home she doesn't know who I am anymore and refuses to have anything to do with me. : ( I love my little baby girl and I absoultely HATE that I had to leave her behind. Until I fly home next month though, I just have to hope and pray that she remembers me and will be happy to see me.
The last thing before I go, I want to say Happy Memorial Day to everyone. I am a very proud Air Force Wife and I love my husband sooo much. The friends I have made through the military are unbelievable. When you are living overseas, your friends become your family so to my Family, I love you all and I'm so proud of each and every one of you. Thank you for keeping us safe and protecting our freedom. Without our US Military, our world would be completely different.

2+2 = 2+0

So it's been a couple of weeks since I posted anything. Turns out that my 2 little beans didn't make it. In fact, the nurse shouldn't have even told me about them since they were smaller than 10mm. : ( I tried to be confident the rest of the cycle that at some point at least one good sized one would appear. I had reason to hope since the lining of my uterus kept increasing. I was pretty disappointed when I started my period the morning of my next appointment. Here we are again with yet another failed cycle. John kept apologizing and telling me he is sorry which just breaks my heart even more because I feel like I'm letting him down..... again.

To completely swtich gears, I want to comment that I feel like God communicates with me through music. Getting in my car to drive to work that morning seemed nearly impossible but I pushed myself through it. Once I got in the car I hooked up my iPhone to my stero and selected it to play random songs. The song that started blaring through the speakers could be my theme song....

http://youtu.be/LBTCaGU5_1c

I am so in love with this song. I know it was written about a boy and a break up but to me it's all about my struggle with infertility. I sang it in my head all day at work, played it on repeat the whole way to and from work today and sang it in the shower. I feel like this song really gives me the boost I need to keep pushing forward. Yeah, this cycle failed.... I still have one more cycle before I leave to go home for a month and I want to start this new cycle with a more positive outlook. The last cycle didn't work so that must mean that the next one is going to be better. I start ovulation tracking again on the 27th. Be praying that this time we get some mature follicles. : )

Also before I go.... I really hope you enjoyed this song as much as I do. Here is one more fantastic motivational song that I love....

http://youtu.be/Vyi-eEY2g-U
: )

Mother's Day & Breakdowns

Today is Mother's Day. A day that I love....... to hate.

I woke up this morning from a dream that, like in reality, it is Mother's Day. But in my dream, it wasn't one of having a child and waking up to getting gifts, hugs and Eskimo kisses from a little bundle of joy. Nope, in this dream I was still infertile. But, in this dream my husband did something very, very sweet. (I know it was a dream bc John just isn't the mushy romantic type) I dreamt that he came home from work with a giant bouquet of flowers with the sweetest card that read "To the mother of my unborn child. Happy Mother's Day. I love you." I was able to hold all my tears in until after John left for work.

I feel like I've been crying all morning.  I posted a big "Happy Mother's Day to all the moms and Mommy-to-be's" on Facebook. The single reply I got from a very close friend was enough to make me cry all over again. She replied with "And to those who are mommy's to angles still being perfected in heaven, waiting for just the right time to grace us with their presence!" Such a sweet comment to hear on a day that all of us infertiles wish we could just skip. Thank you so much A for sending me that. I really, really appreciate it.

To bring me to the big breakdown.... I don't know why on earth I even watch this show but nevertheless, I was watching Pregnant in Heels. I thought I would hate the show when I saw the first episode but I think the fact that Rosie is also infertile has kept me connected. Anyhow, I got to the scene in the bridezilla episode where she gets a phone call from her doctor who tells her that they just don't know for sure if the IVF had worked or not. Her comment is "Now I just have to wait another 2 weeks. I hate waiting." Rosie, I can honestly say.... I hate waiting too.

Praying 2+2=4

This Wednesday I started ovulation tracking with my wonderful doctor. I was given Provera to start my cycle and the day I went to pick up the perscription, I started on my own. That was weird considering I had just finished my period 8 days prior to that. I thought oh well and started taking my Clomid the next day. Wednesday, like I said earlier, I went in to have an ultrasound to see if there are any follicles developing. I was pretty let down when there were none but the technician said that she could see where I had ovulated from my left ovary during my last cycle. I thought that was weird too considering the fact that I don't ovulate without help and at that point I wasn't on Clomid. Hmmm... okay whatever. So I was told to go back in today (Saturday) and check again. This time we saw two follicles in my right ovary and one in my left. Ironically, the same dark spot that the last tech claimed was proof I had ovulated from my left ovary on my last cycle, was infact not proof of that at all but instead the follicle forming for this cycle. After getting dressed, I went and sat down and the new tech told me that yes, I do infact have 3 follicles. The one in the left ovary is extremely small and the 2 in my right ovary are measuring at about 8 mm. She said that these two have a great chance at growing some more and she is hopeful that they will be about 11 mm at my next appointment on Wednesday the 11th. She also informed me that the lining of my cervix has thickened which is a great indication that I am about to ovulate. She told me to start my ovulation kits on Monday. I didn't get any pictures of my two little follicles but I'm going to be determined to get them on Wednesday, if they are still growing. Also on that day, should they be the correct size, I'll be going in for more bloodwork (the same bloodwork I just had done on Monday) which will measure for certain hormones that will indicate whether or not these two little beans are harboring eggs. In the meantime, I'm sitting here staring at my belly, placing my hand on it and praying to God that these follicles mature. I know if all goes well, and they do grow and John's swimmers are able to fertilize both of them that my doctor will want to turn this cycle into IVF. I'm definitely not down for that. I would love to have twins.

So now, I just wait.... and pray.... and wait.... and pray some more that God will grant our wish to become parents and to even hopefully become parents to a beautiful set of twins. However, if this is not His plan, I will happily accept just one. : )

Still In Shock

Monday I went for my HSG xray. I was in a really down mood that morning. I cried the whole way to the appointment. Luckily, I was able to talk John into going with me. I felt bad for asking him to go since he had just gotten off work at 6:30 that morning but he's a champ and went along. (Thanks Babe!)

We get there, I check in at reception and then go to the waiting area. A nurse comes in and takes us through a door to a different waiting area. At this point, John must stay behind so I may go pee in a cup for yet another pregnancy test that is sure to be a negative. I do my business, change into a hospital gown (and one reason why I love this hospital, they always give everyone a robe to put on over the gown that way you aren't walking around with your hiney showing). I go and sit back down next to John trying my best not to hyperventalate. The nurse comes back and then leads me back to the xray room. They sit me down in a chair and the doctor performing the HSG talks me through the procedure.

"It's much like a papsmear but instead I'm going to stick this little nozzle in (freaking out inside) and inject the dye that we should be able to see on the screen. Once the dye comes out through the other end of the tubes there will be some pain so be prepared." This is when I stop him by saying, "We won't get to that part but thanks for the warning." I had a smile on my face to make sure I didn't sound too bitchy. **Side note: I apologize if the quote above was too much information for some of you, but I like to make sure that anyone who hasn't gone through this yet and has to, is fully informed.**

I get on the table and we get to it. As I'm laying there and watching the screen and tearing up because I just know that the dye is going to do nothing but spread out and not go to where I want it to go. All of a sudden I feel a sharp pain and then almost immediately after the first one, another one. I'm constantly having unusual sharp pains throughout my body so I thought nothing of it, however, the jerking motion I unwillingly gave was noticable by everyone in the room. The two nurses both came rushing over, one rubbing my arm and the other wiped a tear from my cheek (the tear wasn't from the pain but rather the crying from lack of hope). All of sudden, the doctor looks over at me, smiles and said, "you felt that, huh?" I said year and then he said "That was the dye coming out of the other end of your tube." Wait! What?!? But it couldn't be. Liar! That's not funny! Take it back! Fighting the knot in my throat, I'm speechless. He then asks, "Did you see it?" Ummm NO! "Want me to back it up?" "Yes!!!" Sure enough, he backed up all of the pictures to the beginning and walked me through them pointing out everything. There was no more "tearing up" at this point. I was bawling like a blubbering baby. "Thank you God! Thank you so much! Thank you Jesus! Thank you! Thank you!!!!" I think all my crying made an impression on the nurses because the one who escorted me back to the changing room was a little teary eyed.

After getting changed, I walked back over to the waiting area where John was fast asleep in a chair. : ( Poor guy. I gently woke him up and while he was grabbing his things and handing me my purse, I was bouncing around like a boxer in the ring. He rubbed his eyes and asked what I was bouncing for. "They're open." "What?" "They're open, both of my tubes are open." "Are you sure?" "Yeah the doctor showed me all the pictures and told me exactly what to look at." A smile curved his lips. We walked out of the hospital, holding hands with two giant smiles on our face.

At this point, we wanted to make absolutely certain before telling anyone so we decided not to say anything about it until after our appointment with Dr. S on Wednesday. We went in, she closed the door behind us and asked "So what did you think about that great news?" OMG It's real!!!!! My tubes are open!!!!! Yay!!!! Here we've been thinking since February 25th that we were going to have to spend $4100+ on IVF. John has been working a lot so we could save up the money for it. Now, we aren't completely out of the clear. There is still a chance that we might end up having to do it anyway. But, for now we have many other options. : )

Luckily, this doctor, unlike my American one, is willing to put me back on Clomid as long as my BMI stays under 35, although she would prefer it to be under 30. Well that's awesome because my BMI is well below 35 and I'm working on getting it under 30.

So here are our next steps:

I have to take a pregnancy test, if negative I take Provera for 5 days to induce my cycle.

On days 2-6 of my cycle I must take Clomid once a day to induce ovulation.

On day 12 of my cycle, I start my ovulation kits to find out when I ovulate. On this day, I also have to go in for a scan to see how many follicles developed and if they are big enough. (If there are too many and they are the right size, we could turn the cycle into IVF due to the high risk of multiple pregnancy. If this occurs then my next round of Clomid will include a certain injectable hormone to prevent so many follicles from developing.) (If they aren't big enough then I will have to have an injectable hormone as well). If all is well, we continue with the cycle and have "timed intercourse" meaning when I have a spike on the ovulation kits saying I'm ovulating, John goes to work. LOL! Sorry, I didn't know how else to phrase this. I'm just as embarrassed writing about it, I'm sure.

7 days after the spike, I go in for blood testing.

On day 35 of my cycle, if I haven't started a new cycle, I take a pregnancy test. If positive, wahoo! we succeeded. If negative, I take Provera again and we start again.

We will do this for 3 cycles. If it doesn't work, then we move onto Clomid with IUI. If that doesn't work after 3 cycles, they will change my medication and do the new one with IUI for 3 cycles. If those fail (God forbidding) then we go back to IVF.

I know it's a long shot and I'm trying really really hard not to get my hopes up. But I am praying that this works before I go back home in June. I would really love to be able to tell my family I'm pregnant while I'm home so I can tell them in person. I know that the risk of miscarriage would still be there but after this long struggle, it would mean so much to me to be able to tell them and see their facial reaction to the news that has been over 2 years in the making.

Now, here it is Sunday night. A full week after I had this shocking news and part of me still can't believe it's real. Am I really going to be starting Clomid again? I just can't believe it. It makes me wonder if it'll take seeing a positive pregnancy test to make me snap out of it and be like "They really are open!"

HSG

I know it is unusual for me to post twice in one week, let alone twice in one day. But I got a little nervous just now when I remembered that my HSG also known as a hysterosalpingogram (a special type of xray) is tomorrow. I have to be there at 10am for ANOTHER pregnancy test... which is stupid seeing as how I just had one a week ago and forced Aunt Flo back into my life. Seriously, how stupid is it that they do these between the 5th and 10th day of your cycle and you still have to have a pregnancy test? Why must I hear those dreaded words once again?! I already know I'm not pregnant!!! I just want people to STOP telling me I'm not pregnant. Worst of all.... I know exactly what this xray is going to show. I already know that both of my falopian tubes are blocked... again, why must this be told to me again? Why must I have to relive these two excruciating sentances over and over again?

I'm glad John isn't here right now to see this meltdown I'm having. I'm literally shaking as I type this. I just want the pain to end. : ( So much for staying positve. :'(

Today is the Day I Change My Life Forever

So today is Sunday... I am now considering this day the beginning of my week due to the fact that my supply of Dr. Pepper ran out yesterday which means my eating habits take a dramatic shift today. I am a Dr. Pepper addict. Cutting me from the delicious beverage is going to be quite difficult but it's something I must do to lose the 22 pounds I must lose before we start IVF in October. Currently my BMI is 32.8. My doctor requires it to be under 30 before she will put me on the countless medications before the egg retrival. Because most people can't believe that I weigh as much as I do, here is my proof...

Most of the people who see me can't believe that this number is really mine. They don't believe it because I'm fortunate enough to be 6'0" tall and have somehow managed to evenly distribute this alarming amount of weight. But, nevertheless, the weight is mine and I now own it. *I also apologize for the tiny hole forming in my sock. Ha!* Today my life style changes. I must start working out on a regular basis. I'm cutting out carbonated beverages completely, which includes the 24 cans of Coke Zero my husband has sitting in the fridge. No more sweets... this is going to be especially hard since I LOVE baking. What do I love more than baking? Eating what I've baked. Hahaha! One healthy way to get my fill of sweets is by eating more fruit. I love fruit but I hate cutting it up and preparing it unless I'm doing it for a purpose other than me. So, one of my very good friends was told by a nutritionist to buy fruit and veggie trays from your local grocery store. All of it is already prewashed and prepared, all you have to do it throw it into little seperate baggies and go. I LOVE this idea! My only problem with this will be only eating small portions. I think I can do it though. I've found myself putting smaller portions on my plate and not going back for more. Apparently, this little method has already begun working because the last time I weighed myself I was 248.8 pounds.

So, in a better, easier way to read, this is my goal:

• Work out or go for a walk everyday if possible. At least, every other day. 
• Eat more fruits and veggies but in correct portions.
• Eat smaller portions of food. If I'm still hungry after 20 minutes, eat a small, healthy snack.
• No more junk food. Think HEALTHY! Chicken, turkey, vegetables, fruits.
• No more carbonated beverages. I must kiss Dr. Pepper goodbye.
• Think more positive. I have to remember that all of this change is for an even greater change. This change is for my future child and I want to make sure that child is born healthy and has a healthy mom to keep up with him/her (maybe even them).

Now, I'm going to be realistic about this new transformation. I won't stick to it completely. I say this not trying to sound like I'm dooming myself but because I have now been living in England for a year. I fly back home to Texas in June.... There WILL be Mexican food digested into my body for the 3 weeks that I'm there. Thats all there is to it. I LOOOOOOOOOOOVVVVVEEEE Mexican food. My mom ate it the entire time she was pregnant with me and I started slurping salasa off the end of tortilla chips when I was only 4 months old. Mexican food is in my DNA. If there is one food I can pick to define me... it's mexican.

Now back to reality... I want to feel better about myself. I want to look in a mirror and not be discusted by what I see. I want to make love to my husband and not have that small voice in the back of my head wondering if he is actually seeing me instead of envisioning someone else. John has lost over 50 pounds since we got married. His weight was kind of like my security blanket for a while. I liked that he was heavier than me... granted it was only a couple of pounds but still. Now that he has lost the weight, I feel guilty for the way I felt. His father died of a massive heart attack when he was young and he lost that weight so that he could live longer than his father did. He wants to be there to watch his children graduate from high school, to graduate from college. He wants to be there when our daughter gets married and walks her down the aisle. He wants to see his grandchildren after they are born. For a long time after he lost the weight, I thought he did it to make me feel bad about myself. Shame on me! He did to be a better person. Now I want to be a better person. I want to make sure that I'm healthy enough to support our child/ren throughout the pregnancy. I want to make sure that my baby(ies) will be healthy when they are born. I want to make sure that I'm healthy enough to watch them grow up and thrive. I want to be here, to experience everything. I want to feel good and I want to look good and I just want to be a healthier me. I also want to make sure that I'm able to be here for John. I want him to still be attracted to me and I want him to WANT to be here and celebrate our 50th anniversary. (Now please don't get me wrong, I am not saying he doesn't want to be here and that he doesn't find me attactive... I'm just saying that I want to stop having that stupid little voice in my head tell me differently)

Today is the day I change my life forever. I've set my eye on the goal and I'm not stopping until I get there.... and even then I'll probably keep going.

Now there is one thing I will ask of my followers:
Please share with me any inspriational songs you may have or think of to put on my iPod during my work outs. Also, Rome wasn't built in a day so I also ask that you not only keep me in your prayers and ask God to shower me with strength. And last but not least, I'm the type of person who needs inspirational praise. Hearing that I'm doing a good job always adds fuel to my fire. Some people slow down once they have heard those two words.... not me. That just means I'm doing something right and I'm going to keep doing it until the deed is done. : )

Before I go, I've seen some bloggers who have posted before and after pictures of themselves before they changed their lifestyle.... I'm on the fence about doing this... I would hate to scare off all of you. Ha!

Everything Happens for a Reason

I read a blog yesterday about a woman who believes that everything happens for a reason. I'm sorry, but I can't remember which one it was. She was talking about how she couldn't understand why her miscarriage had happened. Later, she found out that her uncle had cancer and died shortly after. She now believes that her miscarriage had happened bc if it hadn't she wouldn't have been able to be there with her uncle and the rest of her family when he passed.

This post really touched me. Shame on me for being so negative! I have done nothing but whine and complain about John not getting to go on his deployment when in actuality, we will still be able to afford the IVF without him going.... and sooner! If John was still deploying in September, he wouldn't be back until March of next year... now, we will be able to try our first round (and I pray, our only round) at IVF in October! This would make the baby(ies) due in the same month as my grandfather. He is the only summer birthday in the family. Everyone, except one of my cousins, were all born in Spring or Fall. So, this brings me to conclude, that I think I may have found my answer for John's deployment getting pushed back to next year...

Maybe God is telling us that October will be our month. Maybe He is telling us that John is supposed to be here so that our IVF will work. Granted, if this does work, John will miss the birth of our child(ren) BUT he will be there for all of their firsts.... the first time they stand up, the first word they use, the first time they try to walk but fall down, the first step... all of it. And, even though John won't be here for the birth... my parents will be and that is one thing I have always wanted: to have my parents at the hospital when I bring a new life into the world.

To bring up worldly news, as everyone should know, my husband is in the USAF. With all of the budget crap going on, we were getting pretty nervous that our pay would be cut... I say "our" because I also work for the government so that means both of our paychecks would have been cut off. The whole time this was going on, I wasn't thinking about "how are we going to pay the rent? what are we going to do about food if they shut down the commissary? etc. etc" Nope! I was thinking "Oh shit, we are going to lose every penny we just saved for the IVF. The US government is going to cause me to lose my shot at getting pregnant in October. My parents won't be here, I'll be alone... and if I'm not alone, that means John will miss his kid's firsts." Yep... that's me. I didn't stop and think for a second about how was I going to feed myself, instead I was more worried about bringing a child into this world.... What does this say about me exactly? Does that make me selfish?

I don't know and I don't really care to be honest because right now, all I'm thinking about is that John's deployment got pushed back for a reason.... And I pray that it's for the reason that I'm thinking. At least I'm starting to build my hope back up. : )

Twins

I don't have a lot of time to make a long updated blog post but I wanted to post this real fast because it's probably one of the cutest things I've ever seen!

In my last post I talked about seeing twins in my dreams. I spoke with my grandmother last night and she told me she had a dream about holding twin infants and said she wasn't positive that they belonged to me but that they looked like me and had John's lips (every seems to identify my husband by his lips).

Today, one of my coworkers forwarded this link to me and I wanted to share it with the rest of the world. I hope it puts a smile on your face like it did mine. This video also seemed to relax me a little and as I giggled while watching it, I thought to myself "One more reason I'm going to pray for twins." : )

http://www.godtube.com/watch/?v=KL7KDPNX

Another Negative

So yesterday I went to our clinic on base and picked up my prescription for a medication that is going to induce my cycle. Before being allowed to take the medication though, I had to have a pregnancy test done since I haven't had a period since early February. I'm not surprised by this. I was supposed to get my next cycle the week after my surgery but I figured my body was just skipping it this month due to the interruptions within my body.

I went to the lab tech and due to them having some work done on the ladies bathroom at that exact moment, he decided to do a blood draw for the pregnancy test. He told me it would take 30 minutes to get the results. I didn't really have anywhere I had to be so I approved and went to wait in the lobby.

I sat there on my iPhone trying to pass the time. Then, I made the tragic mistake of beginning to think about the pregnancy test. I know it's going to be negative so what's the point? The longer I sit there, the more antsy I became. I don't know why I do this to myself. I started daydreaming about the day that I will be able to tell my parents that I'm pregnant. I want it to be done in a special way. Not just pick up the phone and yell "Mom, I'm pregnant!" Nope, I want to do something more fun. So, there I sit daydreaming away with a sappy smile on my face when suddenly I hear my favorite nurse, Samantha (She is my favorite bc she also happens to be named after a Bewitched character) call my name. I jolt back into reality, stand up and walk toward her. She takes me into one of the offices and tells me "I don't know if this is good news or bad..." then she says it..... "It's negative." I guess my facial expression gave it away because she instantly started rubbing my arm and told me she's sorry. Why do I do this to myself? Why do I get my hopes up when I already know the outcome? Why do I get upset?

Why? Why? Why?..... I found this book at our library called Unsung Lullabies. It's supposed to help women with infertility cope. It's supposed to help us understand what's happening. I checked it out but have yet to read it. Every time I look at it I think to myself "I don't want to cope... I just want my baby." That's all I want. Just a baby. Is that so wrong? Is it wrong for me to want to make a new life? To raise a child and have him or her call me Mommy? Is it so wrong for me to want to be able to dust off a scraped knee and kiss it to make it feel better? Is it wrong? IS IT?!?!

Some days I feel like I'm losing my mind. I feel numb a lot of times. Like I'm just sitting here waiting for my life to actually begin. I go blank a lot. It's like I just randomly check out. I have no clue what's going on around me during these blank moments. I don't know. Maybe it's because I'm just so tired all the time. I go to bed early but it's like sleep evades me. I never use to dream until all this infertility crap happened. Now all I dream about is seeing twins in the distance and I'm running for them but I can never catch them. I look at John once I stop running and see nothing but disappointment in his eyes.  Hell, sometimes I see that in reality. Or at least I think I am.... That brings me back to me feeling like I'm losing my mind. Am I delusional?

I know I created this blog to get answers and to help other people but this post and especially the last one are only meant for me. These are my only way of venting without seeing people shut down or lose interest in what I'm saying. This is the only place I can vent without having someone try to stop me from telling my story or having to hear someone tell me I need help. I know what I need and help isn't it.... I need support! Unconditional, unbiased support......

I also could use a hug. : (

Emotional Roller Coaster & Jealousy

It seems as though my emotional roller coaster is taking me through yet another dip. I was doing a lot better. The news about the IVF costing the full $4100 dropped my "happiness" a little but I was still relatively happy.

Today, something changed. I'm on that downward slope once again. I guess this drop took place as I was talking to my grandparents. We started talking about the infertility mess that is my life and suddenly it took a shift. They asked about a friend of mine. This friend just happens to be beautifully pregnant with her 4th child. She got married 2 months after me and is on beautiful, healthy, baby # 4. I love her to death and I'm extremely happy for her but part of me aches inside. I'm jealous. I would give anything to have what she has: fertility.

I was getting past the "seeing babies everywhere" phase and now suddenly they are all back. Everyone on facebook is posting pictures of sonograms, new born additions, nursery photos.... and here I sit, avoiding the closet that holds the crib, asking John to do the laundry just so I don't have to step foot in the garage where the box with the bassinet sits, trying my hardest to keep a smile on my face when I look at newborn clothes for my sister-in-law.

Work is getting harder as well. I had 3 students tell me they love me yesterday. Took every ounce of me not to cry at the thought of longing for those words to come out of my own child's mouth.

I'm supposed to be doing better.... and I was. I'm just ready for this roller coaster to stop so I can get off. Better yet, I'm ready to leave the theme park.

IVF News

Yesterday I found out that the hospital we will be receiving the IVF at requires the full $4100 up front on the day of our nurse consultation. They won't allow me to get an itemized bill and have my insurance cover their part. Instead, we must pay the full amount. There is a chance that after paying, we could possibly get a break down and then have our insurance company reimburse us. I'm not at all happy with this news but it is what it is and I can't argue since this is the place that could possibly make my dreams come true.


Now, John and I have a dilemma. We are trying to decide what is more important: John being here for the birth of our first child(ren) or him being here for all of their firsts (words, steps, crawling, etc.) Due to the fact that John will be deploying next year, how do we want to play this? We could wait for him to come back and him be there for all of it, but that puts us at only having 6 months to try the IVF and pray it works before moving. What if it doesn't work? I can't get the IVF done in Korea so that would mean John would either lose his dream of having biological children and us adopt, or have to wait another 3 years before going back to the States.


For all of you reading this who have children, tell me your opinion. Would you rather give birth without your husband? Or not see any of your kids' firsts?


Now, add this into the mix... If we wait until September or October to do the IVF and it works, then my parents could be here for the birth of the baby(ies). Does that change your opinion any?


I'm serious about getting your advice. I really want to know what you think. Tell me :-)

Full of Good News

For the first time in a very long time (probably 2 years to be exact), I am very, very happy!!!


A couple of weeks ago, I never would have thought saying that sentance above would have been possible. Things have been on a downward spiral ever since we moved to England. Things kept going wrong and then we were told that having children without the need of IVF was no longer an option. Mine and John's hearts both broke. I think we layed in the hospital bed together and cried for nearly an hour. I was furious with God. After leaving the hospital, I took a turn for the worst. Thoughts of death (not suicide.... I believe that's the single most selfish thing anyone could do) consumed me. I just wanted to die. I wanted God to take me from the world and end all my suffering. I couldn't take anymore negative things happening to me. I had two major break downs infront of John and I just knew he was thinking I should be locked in an institution.


Luckily, greatfully, I can finally say that things are looking up. Granted, they aren't working out the way I wanted them to but plans never do. God pushed me to my breaking point to show me exactly how strong I can be and now He is lifting me back up....


Wednesday, March 16th, we had an appointment with Dr. S. Before we went in, I sat in the waiting room preparing myself to hear the words that had brought me down so far all over again. Once we went in, she was very kind and gentle and avoided using any wording that made her say IVF is your only option. She went though all the photos with me again, John asked why my tubes can't be repaired and she answered. The whole time I was sitting there wondering why I hadn't started crying. Then, she delievered the news that made all the pain go away. IVF is only going to cost us $4100 instead of the $9000 we had originally thought. Wahoo!!!! $4100 is a number we can afford.... $9000, not so much. She gave us information booklets to read and a paper with the dates of the class we are required to attend before starting IVF. There was some concern that we wouldn't be able to start the IVF until I had my 3rd round of injections (for a totally different matter). This wait would put us back 6 months. I haven't had my cycle for this month which was likely disrupted by the surgery at the end of last month so she gave me a perscription to take in order to start.


Instead of just waiting for it, I'm going to take the medication because this will get our IVF process started. On the 5th day of my cycle, I have to go in for a special xray which will confirm the results of the surgery. After the xray, I will have a follow up appointment with Dr. S. Now, I'm not positive about what exactly is going to happen at this follow up appointment but i THINK that she will be giving me the perscriptions to start my medications and injections. After that I will have a nurse consaltation appointment which is when we are required to pay our fee. After this appointment we do the egg retrival and John's "donation", they will combine the two in a dish and let John's swimmers to their job. They watch the egss grow after fertilization, pick the best embryo and then will transfer it into my uterus a few days later. After the transfer, I will have to wait 2 weeks, then take a pregnancy test. This test will show us our future.


Okay, now that you know the IVF process, here is more good news we got. The $4100 we pay is for everything except medications. John wanted me to be positive that our insurance is willing to cover it so I called and had them check on it. I stopped into the office to see what they had found out before leaving base on Thursday and...... EVERYTHING is covered except the actual procedure..... which means.... We may not have to pay the full $4100!!! Even less money! Wahoo!!!!!


The insurance office just happens to be located inside the medical clinic, so before leaving, I was able to find out from one of the doctors that my set of injections will NOT interfere with the IFV!!! Yay!!!!


I have been in such a great mood ever since finding out. Friday and Saturday were both BEAUTIFUL days! I loved that the Yorkshire weather was finally matching my mood.... and in a GOOD way!!!


Sorry for all the exclamation marks but that just happens to be exactly how excited I am. I can't get over that in less than a month, I went from being at my lowest low ever to being so extremely high. I can't say my highest high because that hasn't happened yet.... it will happen the day I see a heartbeat inside my tummy on a little black and white screen. : )

The Great Pretender

I follow a PCOS support group on Facebook and someone had posted this fantastic poem on their wall. I wanted to share it with anyone else who suffers from infertility who may just happen to some day stumble upon my little blog.


Here it is:

The Great Pretender


Shopping around and having fun,
Little shoes and hats for the sun...
Wrapped in pink or baby blue,
...But none for me... All for you.

Tiny shoes, she'll be in style,
When I see them I give you a smile.
But it tears my heart in two...
Still none for me... all for you.

I rub your bellies when you come around,
Pretending all day that I'm not feeling down.
I'll never let you see the truth...
It hurts to know it's all for you.

I pray everyday up to Him,
"Please know I'm happy for them,
But there is no other lesson to learn.
When, dear God, will it be my turn?"

Should I or Shouldn't I?

Things have been pretty rough lately. I do believe my husband thinks I have lost my mind. I find myself choking back tears constantly. I've had two major break downs in front of John and I feel bad for him when he sees it because he literally has no clue what to do. I try to stay strong for him but sometimes it's just too much to handle. I've been getting better at holding it all in until the end of the day. Once I get in the shower I just let it all go..... Can't see the tears if my face is already wet, right? I'm usually a big fan of roller coasters but this is one that I wish I could jump off of.


Let me back up a minute and catch you up on some of the things that has happened since the surgery....


6 days after the surgery I went in to my GP and had a coloscopy done. My latest pap came back with abnormally shaped cells and they wanted to take a closer look. Being that I was still in shock from the news from the surgery, I wasn't really thinking about everything that was happening so I went in, they did the procedure and took a biopsy. It was after this (while they were still blotting up the blood) that I started thinking.... "Wait, what is it exactly that they are looking for?" So I asked... "Precancerous cells." I felt like someone kicked me in the gut. Not only was I stressed about how we were going to afford IVF but now I've got worrying about wether or not I'm going to end up with cervical cancer. I managed to get to my car before the sobbing began. Cried the whole way home. Once I pulled in the driveway I was able to suck it up and go upstairs. John took one look at me and I lost it. Cried to the point of gagging. I didn't want to throw up though so I started taking deep breaths to calm myself down. The whole time, John just stared at me with this worried look on his face like he knew I was going to pull a gun out at any minute and shoot myself. Even the dog was freaked out.  I was finally able to pull myself together and tell him why I was crying but then the depression kicked in over drive. Oh, did I mention that this little break down happened on his birthday? Happy 28th Birthday John!! :(


A few days went by and we had done enough talking to figure out that we were going to wait until he got back from his deployment and use the extra money from that to do the IVF. This meant we would have to wait a year but whats one more year? Now I say this not trying to sound sarcastic. I read other blogs and I know there are a lot of women out there who have waited a lot longer than the 3 years this would have been for us so literally, one more year wouldn't kill me to wait.


Like the saying goes, "We make plans and God laughs."


After we got it all figured out on how we were going to pay for the IVF, we get the news that John is no longer deploying in September. Why? Because (1) they are only sending 2 people instead of three and (2) they want him to have enough time to get all this infertility stuff straightened out. ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME?!?!?! (Excuse my language) Seriously? Please tell me this is all a joke! Where is Ashton Kutcher because this Punk is NOT funny?! The one thing we had to look forward to was this deployment because it meant we would get the extra money to pay for it and would mean we were that much closer to finally being able to have a family of our own. And now you're telling me that the one reason we WANT him to go is also the main reason for him not going?

Now we are in Limbo again. John and I can't figure out how we are going to pay for it now. He is in line to get the next deployment though (which means he would leave a year from now and that puts at a year a half of waiting) but the risks of waiting that long just don't make it seem worth it. If we wait until then, we risk (1) our doctor retiring or no longer taking patients, (2)having to start the whole process all over (3) PCSing before we have a successful IVF, (4) God forbid, something happening to John in the dessert, (5) our insurance deciding that they are no longer going to allow us to go to an off base doctor and (6) my referral WILL be closed by then and getting these military doctors to refer off base is like pulling teeth!


Ugh! I just dont know what to do!!!! We will have all of our debt paid off by September (cars included) but John and I both don't want to charge $9000 on a credit card, John also doens't want to take out a loan because if it doesnt work then we are stuck paying off a loan with absolutely nothing to show for it but another crack in our hearts.


But anyway, back to what this post is about.... Needless to say, after John told me about him getting knocked off this deployment, I had another break down in front of him. This time when I sucked up and stopped crying, he didn't ask me if I'm okay.... He told me I'm not okay. Told me to make an appointment with the doctors and get put on anti-depressants. Part of me wants to, but part of me doesn't. I've heard too many people telling me that they were on them and felt like zombies the whole time. I don't want that. But at the same time I don't want to keep crying in the shower everyday either. I also don't want to keep having students at work ask me why my eyes are puffy.


So now this is where I'm just stuck.... Should I? or Shouldn't I?


I have another appointment with Dr. S on the 16th. She is going to go over in more detail everything she found during my surgery. We are going to talk a lot about IVF, how much it is exactly and if they have payment plans. Maybe I'll ask her about the anti-depressants while I'm there.

Good Surgery - Bad Results

Friday was my surgery date. I went in for a laproscopy. Basically, this is an exploratory surgery. My doctor wanted to take a look around, make sure my tubes were open, check for endometriosis and if all that checked out good, she was going to do ovulation induction. Notice how I said she was?


After waking up from surgery and waiting around for what seemed like forever, she finally made her rounds into my room. She asked if it was okay to show me the pictures which I've always been okay with. Guess I'm just good at handling the sight of blood. She starts showing me the pictures and pointing out small little problems but saying, "That's not too bad, it's fixable." She showed probably 4 different pictures of "It's fixable"s and then flipped the page.


She pointed out my right Fallopian tube and showed me the opening and said "That's a good size opening" and then pointed to the next picture and said "This is where your left one should be." Yep, no opening for my left tube at all. Completely covered over. I instantly started thinking, "Okay, no big deal. My mom got pregnant with me with just one tube."


Next, she showed me the pictures of where she had inserted the dye into my right tube and told me that the dye never made it out through the other end. She then showed me a close up picture of where the dye had expanded my fallopian tube. Panic began to set in.


Then she showed me this big bulge. She pointed to the next picture and said this is your "Fimbriae". I had never heard of it before so I was like "Huh?" She showed me the other one and it looked just like the first one. She said, now this is where it gets tricky. "Both of these blobs are supposed to look like fingers sticking out. Because your's don't do that, there is no way I can repair your tubes since the semine won't be able to travel through the Fimbriae."


I was dumbfounded. My mouth dropped open and my eyes started welling up with tears. She placed her hand on my arm and apologized. I looked over at John who looked completely lost. I knew I had to say something using as little words as possible that would make him understand instantly. "So this means IVF is our only option?" The word "yes" rang in my ears. She apologized once again. Told us that we would discuss it further at my next follow up appointment and then left the room. I couldn't keep my tears in any longer. They instantly began running down my face. The nurse left the room then. I turned over, burried my face in my pillow and began to sob. John picked up my cell phone and called his supervisor (luckily his supervisor just happens to be a close friend) told him the news and then asked to take the rest of the night off so he could stay home with me. Before hanging up the phone, John's voice began to crack which made me cry even harder because I knew he was crying too. John climbed into the bed behind me and just held me for what seemed like hours.


I had and still have a million emotions running through me. Question after question ran through my head, "why me?" and "What did I do to deserve this?" were the main two that I kept repeating.


I'm still angry. I'm still confused. Part of me feels like this is all just a bad dream and any minute I'm going to wake up from surgery and the outcome is going to be completely different. I know it isn't though. I just have to deal with the cards I was delt. This is my life and there is no way to change that. No matter how jealous I become, how angry, how many times I ask why and no matter how many times I beg God to make it easier, this is just part of my life and I'll have to deal with it one way or another.


Everyone says, "God won't give you anything you can't handle." Well I've got news for God, He's going to have to stop pushing because one more push and I'm going over the edge. I'm at my breaking point. I can't take anymore bad news. I can't live with knowing that not only my dreams are being crushed but so are my husbands. I don't understand why He would allow this to happen to two people who want kids more than anything else in this world. I may appear strong and I know that I am, but inside I'm cracking.

I Will Be a Wonderful Mother

A friend of mine found this and sent it to me last night. Everything it says is exactly how I feel so I wanted to share it with everyone.

Here it is....


"There are women that become mothers without effort, without thought, without patience or loss and though they are good mothers and love their children, I know that I will be better.

I will be better not because of genetics, or money or that I have read more books, but because I have struggled and toiled for this child. I have longed and waited. I have cried and prayed. I have endured and planned over and over again. Like most things in life, the people who truly have appreciation are those who have struggled to attain their dreams.

I will notice everything about my child. I will take time to watch my child sleep, explore and discover. I will marvel at this miracle every day for the rest of my life. I will be happy when I wake in the middle of the night to the sound of my child, knowing that I can comfort, hold and feed him and that I am not waking to take another temperature, pop another pill, take another shot or cry tears of a broken dream. My dream will be crying for me.
I count myself lucky in this sense; that God has given me this insight, this special vision with which I will look upon my child that my friends will not see. Whether I parent a child I actually give birth to or a child that God leads me to, I will not be careless with my love. I will be a better mother for all that I have endured. I am a better wife, a better aunt, a better daughter, neighbor, friend and sister because I have known pain. I know disillusionment as I have been betrayed by my own body, I have been tried by fire and hell many never face, yet given time, I stood tall. I have prevailed. I have succeeded. I have won.

So now, when others hurt around me, I do not run from their pain in order to save myself discomfort. I see it, mourn it, and join them in theirs. I listen. And even though I cannot make it better, I can make it less lonely. I have learned the immense power of another hand holding tight to mine, of other eyes that moisten as they learn to accept the harsh truth and when life is beyond hard. I have learned a compassion that only comes with walking in those shoes.I have learned to appreciate life.Yes, I will be a wonderful mother." - Unknown

For all of us out there who have had trouble conceiving ... this is for us, written by one of us. We will be amazing moms.

I Feel Like...

one of those NASCAR drivers. I keep going in circles but it seems like the finish line is no where in sight. The yellow flag is out and now it's time for a pit stop on the infertility track. Don't ask me why I'm using NASCAR as an analogy because I really couldn't tell ya. It just happens to be the first thing that came to mind.


We had our appointment yesterday. I have been impatiently awaiting it all week. I thought 7:30 was never going to get here. But it did, and I was in shock at what we found out. Sitting in the waiting room I couldn't be still. I was bouncing my leg and rocking back and forth. I just had this feeling in the bottom of my stomach that we weren't going to get good news.


My gut is never wrong. The doctor went over the results to my sonogram again, this time a little more in depth. She went over what our next steps are and read off the results to my bloodwork. We talked about the fact that I have had an operation on my phelopean tubes before. When I was 14 I had a cyst wrapped around it that I had to have surgically removed. Because of this surgery, my doctor is afraid that I may have some scar tissue that could possibly be effecting my tubes currently. She didn't see any swelling on the sonogram but wants to go in and do an exploritory surgery to take a good look at them while also checking me for endometriosis. If the tubes need repairing or if she finds endometriosis then she is going to fix both while in there. The panic sets in when we see how much this surgery costs... Let me remind you I live in England where the currency exchange rate is currently $1.60 to every one British pound. The surgery costs over 3,000 pounds! That's over $4500!! What if Tricare doesn't cover it? We went ahead and scheduled my surgery. If Tricare doesn't cover it, we can just cancel the appointment.


To top off this lovely news of yet another surgery on my belt, I asked her for John's sample results. Apparently, her nurse forgot to include them in my file. Yay! This was the main thing I was worried about and instead of getting the results to something I was expecting, I got results to something I didn't even know was going to need to be done.


Needless to say, I didn't get any sleep last night. I layed awake all night long thinking. I reverted back to the beating myself up stage. Asking God what I did to deserve this. Asking Him why countless girls I have graduated with have gotten pregnant when they didn't even want kids while I'm sitting here prepared to pay thousands of dollars at the drop of a hat for something I've wanted so bad for so long. Why do they get to have a child that they can't take care of and don't want for free when I so desperately want to be a mother and can afford to give a child the life they deserve? I talked to God and prayed and prayed that He give me a small break. Just ease up on me just a little. I'm cracking. I'm giving into the pressure. I'm starting to lose it. Everything I hold dear to my heart is starting to slip away. I'm starting to give up on life all together.


Luckily, He answered my prayers and cut me some slack today. First by giving my a truely amazing friend who came in and gave me a hug just to lift my spirits. Then by giving me the perfect moment to call my insurance and find out that the surgery I need is covered 100%. Thank you Jesus! I breathed a big sigh of relief. Finally, by having my doctor call me and give me the news that John's tests came back normal. His swimmers can definitely do the job of fertilizing my eggs without the help of doctors and drugs.


Now we just have to get my tubes and eggs in working order and we are ready for the final lap!

And the waiting begins...

Today John went for his test. He complained ALL WEEK about it and once he finally got in there and did it, he admitted it wasn't as bad as he had previously thought. UGH! The things I have to put up with all in the name of Love! Hahaha!

I have my follow up appointment booked for the 26th. It's a late one. Not until after 7pm. That's one thing the British do that Americans don't... they work late hours without charging extra! Wahoo! Either way, I'm just happy that I'm going to be able to get in and see her so soon. The wait has begun but luckily it isn't a major wait.

I'm anxious to get the results. I feel like I've been waiting an eternity already and it's only been 8 hours. UGH! This is going to be a loooong weekend. At least I have something to look forward to though. Keeping my fingers, toes and whatever else I can cross, crossed and praying to God that things look good and we can start trying again soon. REAL SOON!

Getting off to a Great Start!

Yes, that we are. : ) Our last appointment went well. Dr. Sharma did the ultrasound and took a look at my ovaries and the lining of my cervix to make sure everything was okay. I have now been officially diagnosed with PCOS (Polycystic Ovary Syndrom). There are many many things that contribute to PCOS, some of which I have and some of which I don't have.


The first indicator is unusual menstrual patterns, which I have. Having a doctor ask me when I think my next period will be is always an embarrasment because I literally have no clue. It could be next week or 2 months from now for all I know. Plus, it's always hard when you want to have a child so bad and you miss a period and then instantly get excited thinking your pregnant just to have pregnancy test after pregnancy test come back negative.


The second indicator is obesity, which again I have. I'm not "obese" by much but nevertheless I'm still obese. They tell if you are obese or not based upon your BMI level. If your BMI level is 30 or above then that classifies you as obese. My BMI level is 31. Not cool!


The third indicator is family history of diabetes. I have this in my family tree. Directly linked to me infact because both my father and my grandfather have diabetes. Basically this just means that in my system somewhere my body is most likely not be dealing well with insulin. Doesn't mean I'm diabetic but it does mean I need to watch out for it because I'm definitely at risk.


The fourth indicator is androgenic (masculinizing) hormone levels. Luckily, my hormone levels are normal. Which means "I don't have to shave my face". This is a joke in which I will get to in a minute.


The fifth and sixth indicators are  found by ultrasound in which they are looking for small ovarian follicles... I found this next part on wikipedia because it describes it better than I could...  In normal menstrual cycle, one egg is released from a dominant follicle - essentially a cyst that bursts to release the egg. After ovulation the follicle remnant is transformed into a progesterone producing corpus luteum, which shrinks and disappears after approximately 12–14 days. In PCOS, there is a so called "follicular arrest", i.e., several follicles develop to a size of 5–7 mm, but not further. No single follicle reach the preovulatory size (16 mm or more). According to the Rotterdam criteria, 12 or more small follicles should be seen in an ovary on ultrasound examination. The follicles may be oriented in the periphery, giving the appearance of a 'string of pearls'. The numerous follicles contribute to the increased size of the ovaries, that is, 1.5 to 3 times larger than normal.


Basically what this is saying is that I have a lot more follicles than women with normal menstural cycles and they are smaller than they should be. It's also saying that my ovaries are slightly enlarged.... Both the 5th and 6th indicators I have. Below is a picture of an ultrasound (not mine but mine looked exactly like this but my follicles were a little smaller) of what the small follicles look like in which PCOS is instantly determined....

The last two indicators are thickening... thickening of the cervix and thickening of the walls around the ovaries. Both of which I do not have.






Now that you have had your biology lesson for the day, let me get to the fun stuff....


Above, I told you what I have and what I don't have. All of this was explained to me on Friday at my doctors appointment. When the doctor came out and told me what my diagnosis is, I laughed. I then explained to her that my last doctor had told me that PCOS wasn't something I could have simply because I don't shave my face. Get the joke now? My new doctor believes the old one should be kicked out of the medical field.......... I agree.


So now that I have an official diagnosis, we know where to go from here. There are a couple of medications I'm going to have to take... Clomid being the first which will induce ovulation and the second being Metformin which is given to people (such as my father) who have diabetes. In a few studies it has been shown that women with PCOS who were given Metformin with Clomid were able to concieve slightly faster. I am all about fast. I've been waiting 4 years to have a child, only 2 of which we have been actually trying but still. I'm ready to be a mother. It's all I have every wanted. Some people want fame and fortune but I would be perfectly happy being poor as long as I have a child that I can wrap my arms around and kiss goodnight. There is also a chance that I might have to have daily injections which will help my little follicles grow.


John still has to have his "wash & swim" swimmers test done which he will be going on the 20th for. Dr. Sharma said she will have his results that day. I have to schedule my follow up appointment for sometime after his appointment (I'm hoping for the day after) that way we can get this show on the road. I'm praying for good results from this. Once again, his appointment will be a make or break appointment. I think it'll be good enough regardless to still be able to try IUI or IVF but just incase, I'm praying anyway.


God has blessed us so far this new year... I hope He has big plans for us. After all, Dr. Sharma is "confident that we will concieve this year". : ) God, please shower us with blessings.

Praying 2011 is better than 2010

It's been a while since I have posted anything and I never gave the update about how my appointment went with the new Obgyn... 2011 is a new year, a new beginning, a new future. Before we can pray about our future, we have to know our past. Here's some of what has happened.


We had our appointment with Dr. Sharma back on December 9th. I was a little worried at first but after sitting and talking to her for OVER an hour, I have come to love her. Haha! I have never seen a doctor take so much time with a patient before. She is very thorough and had great things to say.


At our appointments with the last OBgyn, we were told that I do not have PCOS, my husband's swimmer count made it impossible to become pregnant naturally, that I'm way too overweight, IUI isn't at all an option and there is only one fertility clinic in all of England that can help us.... My new DOCTOR beggs to differ on every account. She went through my medical and family history way better than the last lady. She went through John's medical and family history which the last lady didn't at all. And then she made me breathe a big sigh of relief.


She told us that with my family history of diabetes and the lack of testing the last person did, I should definitely have PCOS. The last OB didn't do nearly enough to rule it out. Most would think that that is a bad thing... it's not. PCOS is treatable! Wahoo! The next amazing thing she told us is that the last person completely misinformed us of John's test scores. It is still possible for him to get me pregnant naturally, but it could take a while.... this isn't a bad thing though because of the fact that this now means that IUI is an option that we didn't have before. The next great thing she told me is that I'm not too overweight. Should I try to lose some weight? Absolutely. But, being overweight isn't going to stop her from helping us. And the last completely awesome thing she told us.... A fertility clinic 4 hours away isn't necessary. She can do IUI's and IVF at a nearby hospital. Wahoo!!! I was actually able to get through a doctor's appointment without crying. It was amazing. I had a huge smile on my face the rest of the day. She had me give a blood sample before I left so she could run a couple more tests. John has to have a more invasive swimmer analysis done and I have to go for a very unique type of ultrasound.






Now, here we are in the new year. It's 2011 and I'm ready for some BIG changes. Monday, I started my work outs. I'm going to lose weight for the benefit of my future child. 1 in 3 pregnancies already end in miscarriage, I don't want to double the odds by being "obese". My friends who have seen me often refuse to believe that I'm obese but I am infact, obese. It was extremely hard to admit that to myself for the longest time. But I am. I just happen to hide my weight well. But, I won't have to call myself obese for much longer. I'm changing my life for the better. Healthier food choices and exercise is my ticket to pregnancy. Plus, I'm going to have to cut out the DP's once I'm pregnant anyway, might as well start now. : ) I'm also going to try reallly hard to have a better relationship with God.


I go on Friday for my ultrasound. I'm hoping it gives us good results. I'll keep you updated on the results after I get them.


Happy New Year!!!!